I Have Game. Do You?

Waiting.

2012-02-12T19:15:00.001+08:00

I'm in SM Marikina waiting for the love of my life. But I don't think he's coming.

Biyernes.

2011-07-29T07:56:00.000+08:00

Minsan talaga mapapaisip ka kung yung mga naging desisyon mo sa buhay, sa pag-ibig, sa trabaho – ay tama. Minsan pa napapa-iling ka. Hindi ko pinagsisisihan ang desisyon ko, pero minsan talaga...

Hindi ko na alam kung ang nararamdaman ko ay galit o inis. Basta ang alam ko hindi ko gusto yung pakiramdam na nagugulo. Siguro kasi nuon, bawat salita na lumalabas sa bibig ko ay napagiisipan ko muna bago ko siya mabigkas. Itong mga nakaraang buwan, bigkas na lang ako ng bigkas kaya yung mga ayaw ko masabi nailalabas tuloy ng bibig ko.

Ang hirap magbago. Pero kailangan. Hindi maganda ang pakiramdam. Pero dapat.

Sa ikakasaya ng minamahal.

I miss you. I'm sorry.

2011-03-24T12:56:00.000+08:00

I’m supposed to be composing a write-up but all I can think about is how I ruin your day.

The letters are running all over the page. I feel hot tears trying to peek at the corners of my eyes. It is a pain to close them and not let them escape.

And it hurts that when I talk to you, you reply with pain and anger in your voice.

I want to tell you I miss you but I’m afraid I’d bawl and never stop. I know you told me that you can say hurtful words. But I never thought you’d say I ruin your day.

Now that’s all I can think about.

2010-11-06T13:55:00.002+08:00

I am sitting in front of my laptop. Yet I am not here. My mind is on overload. I haven't slept. And I can't eat, my appetite is gone.

My heart aches every 5 minutes. And the tears continue to peak, threatening o fall anytime.

I haven't been in this situation in a long while.

Curve Balls.

2010-06-12T21:06:00.002+08:00

Just when I thought things were going my way life's curve balls caught me off-guard. I was rudely awakened from my fairy tale. I am so frightened by the possibility of the knight on his white horse galloping away from me.

Lecheng YM yan.

Disillusioned.

2010-05-29T13:41:00.001+08:00

I’m beginning to dread the weekends.

Pathetic. I know.

I don’t get excited when the weekend is near anymore. Thursday is beginning to become like a bad omen.

And what’s even more pathetic is that I’d rather be in the office and occupy myself with the stress of my job than stay at home knowing I will never get the thing that I want anytime soon.

I want to cry. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to be this way.

Blogger, did you miss me?

2010-01-07T01:54:00.003+08:00

I haven't had the time to update this in such a long time. I've been busy with work, with playing around with Facebook, updating Pepato with all the apps I can get my hands on (well, from my sister, that is), watching all those wonderful 2PM videos in YT. Whew.

I just wanted to post that.

Kiyeme. Haha! Got that from Kaye and Bol.

*Oh, and the Pablo Neruda book of poems I've been wanting to buy is sold out. *sadness*

*My HTML powers have dwindled the past year, so I'm thinking of updating my layout and background and fonts.

*I just checked my bank account balance and it's so depressing. I need to save up for my trip to South Korea this September. I want to buy a few things for the 2PM boys and my sister has fixed our itinerary so that we have day to 'stalk' them in the JYP office. Well, I won't really stalk them. I am praying that Jay comes back from Seattle by that time. I think it's going to be a sad visit to the JYP office, with all the Hottests post-its on the walls. But if he's not, I'm bringing a ton of post-its and I might ask Pinoy Hottests to send me theirs so I can post it for them.

*I got the SS501 dvd from the multiply seller last month but I haven't had the chance to watch it. And I wasn't able to order from jkpoppy the 2PM phone charms *sigh*

Antok nako. Will post something more coherent tomorrow. Or maybe sa weekend.

Miss me, Blogger!

Aussie-land!

2009-10-05T20:59:00.004+08:00

I'm in Australia for a 2-week training. We're in Brisbane and I just have to say - Brisbane, I love your weather!

High School.

2009-09-02T14:13:00.003+08:00

Earlier today I went through my college yearbook in search of an address. After writing down what I needed, I was going to slip it back to its place on the shelf when I spied my high school yearbook tucked at the back of the shelf. I reached for it and gingerly took it out of its place, not wanting to get any of the dust on my face. I grabbed some tissue, sat on the floor of my room and started cleaning the 15-year old thing. When I was satisfied with its state of cleanliness, I started to go through 4 years of memories.

I can't explain the emotions that I have right now after looking at the pictures, the funny anecdotes and hirits captured forever in its pages. I'd feel regret that I wasn't able to get close to numerous people who I thought had the most interesting personalities and then immediately feel comforted that somehow I tried in my own little way. I laughed out loud at the 1st page that chronicled our freshman cheerdancing competition. Well, it was supposed to chronicle our freshman attempt but apparently, no one had bothered to bring a camera then. I spend my time looking at the dance pictures trying to get a glimpse of me (naturally!) and trying to remember the practices, the bruises, sweat and blood. I remember feeling really tired and annoyed at the end of one practice because we kept on repeating the ending (where the cheerdancers had to incorporate themselves back into the pep squad and the pep squad would lower themselves showing off the cheerdancers in individual poses) and when we eventually got it right I blurted out 'Ay, salamat!' at the exact moment everybody chose to keep their mouth shut. I still remember the laughter and relief that we were able to do it after so many tries.

I cringe at the memory wherein I wasn't allowed to be a cheerdancer in my senior year because of a failing grade. It was devastating and I cried so much then. Looking back, I felt I deserved not to dance because I failed to balance what I wanted to do and what I needed to do. This would become motivation for me not to fail any class in college so I could still do cheerleading and also get to receive a substantial discount in my tuition fee every trimester in CSB. For someone who was paying for her own tuition, it was a big help.

And who could ever forget the shooting star that made our hearts stop and rejuvenated our tired limbs? I could still feel the awe of being a witness to it. I have only seen 2 shooting stars until now, that time during practice, and on my birthday in Tagaytay last year.

I remember the PenPal project Mr. dela Vega pushed us to do. Que horror! A lot of us were so worried about it. However, I am grateful for that project because I gained a Latvian friend. (Read here and here.)

I am tempted to pull out the Rubik's cube (yep, I still have it) I have kept in a box up in my closet. Practice with it and show off my skills to my nephews.

I am also tempted, after writing this entry, to look for a video of Quest For Fire. Well - Er. For memories' sake, of course.

Feline Thought 1.

2009-08-21T17:03:00.002+08:00

An excerpt from Pablo Neruda's Cat's Dream

I should like to sleep like a cat, with all the fur of time,
with a tongue rough as flint, with the dry sex of fire;
and after speaking to no one, stretch myself over the world,
over roofs and landscapes, with a passionate desire
to hunt the rats in my dreams.

Tita Cory. In Memoriam.

2009-08-02T00:26:00.003+08:00

January 25, 1933 – August 1, 2009

Photo501.

2009-06-30T02:15:00.002+08:00

It has arrived! After weeks of waiting, the Photo501 we ordered from YesAsia has arrived! Woohoo!!

And this week my order for the 1st Story of SS501 DVD will arrive too!

I plan to buy the Super Show DVD but I'm still not sure. I've seen lots of footages in YouTube, and the The-Making DVD has no English subtitles.

Grr. Oh well. Let's see. =)

Happy!

happy Birthday to my dear Tito Pablo!

Horror Movie.

2009-06-23T03:52:00.002+08:00

It's 3:52am. Still jobless.

Yesterday marked my mom's 1st death anniversary. A year just flew by -time really does fly. I miss her every day. I miss my dad, too. Not a day passes that I do not think of and miss them. I still choke and get teary-eyed just thinking of my dad. Moreso with my mom. And I can not believe that I do not have them with me as I go through hell.

2009 started out pretty well for me, but the past few months have been difficult. I think my family does not know the extent of my pain and frustration the situation has created for me. I'm still trying to understand things and talking with friends who are going through the same thing greatly helps - but it's not enough. Everyday is just painful. Everyday is torture.

I can truly say that I do not know how things got out of hand. I was just in the middle of the crossfire, minding my own business, and I end up getting shot. Over and over again. And just when the last breath leaves your mouth, your whole life flashes before you.

It's like I'm starring in a horror movie with no end in sight. And I hate horror movies.

Mommy!

2009-06-06T04:03:00.004+08:00

Happy Birthday Mommy!

I love you. I miss you.

*Happy Birthday to Kim Hyun Joong, too.

Downpour.

2009-06-05T00:49:00.004+08:00

I should've posted this entry a week ago - but I forgot. Hehe.

**************

It has been raining in Manila for the past 2 or 3 days. The wind was strong, especially last night - our Balete tree fell. Can you imagine a Balete tree falling? Well, it wasn't that big but still. I'm glad the Langka tree is staying strong. Good for her =)

When I was in my grade school days, I'd be real happy when it rains because it means no classes! I wouldn't have to think up of an excuse not to go to school. Hahah! But I also remember my dad saying the rain also brings good luck - whenever we had a birthday in the family it would always rain and that's what he would say to us - swerte.

When I entered college and started to date seriously and have these tragic relationships I'd associate the downpour with the tears I have shed and have yet to shed. Ang cheesy! haha! But it would prompt me to put on sad music and think about my failures. Ka-dramahan talaga.

It's different now. When it rains I feel like grabbing a good book, situate myself on a cozy sofa and read the while away. I'd get a fleece blanket and a squishy pillow so if I fall asleep on the sofa I'd still be comfortable. Sometimes I'd go to my parent's room and look at old photos and reminisce about my childhood. I'd look at pictures and tell myself how lucky I was to have a great family. I'd look at the family trips to the beaches, Baguio, Hong Kong and feel good about myself and how I was brought up.

The downpour does bring memories but let it not bring sad memories.

Safely Home.

2009-05-27T16:58:00.003+08:00

On February 24, 2009 my nephew's schoolmate and former classmate Amiel Alcantara died in a tragic car accident. During his wake, they gave out Thank You bookmarks with his picture and a short prayer from St. Therese of the Child Jesus. At the back was a poem - Safely Home. When I first read the poem I had to go to the bathroom because I had to cry so much. I kept thinking of my mom. I kept the bookmark with me because I realized how I love the poem and its meaning - for me.

I'd like to share it now. This is for everyone who has lost someone in their life. Take comfort in these verses.

SAFELY HOME

I am safely home in Heaven, dear ones;
Oh, so happy and so bright!
There is perfect joy and beauty
In this everlasting light.

All the pain and grief is over,
Every restless tossing passed;
I am now at peace forever
Safely home in Heaven at last.

Did you wonder why I so calmly
Trod the valley of the shade?
Oh! But Jesus' love illimined
Every dark and fearful glade.

And He came himself to meet me
In that way so hard to tread;
And with Jesus' arm to lean on,
Could I have one doubt or dread?

Then you must not grieve so sorely,
For I love you dearly still
Try to look beyond earth's shadows
Pray to trust our Father's Will.

There is work still waiting for you
So you must not idly stand
Do it now, while life remaineth --
You shall rest in Jesus' land.

When that work is all completed,
He will call you Home
Oh, the rapture of that meeting
Oh, the joy to see you come!

Baguio weekend.

2009-05-23T22:25:00.002+08:00

Blogging from an internet cafe just outside of the Ina Mansion Hotel in Baguio. Still downloading SS501 videos as I type. Facebooked for a while but didn't really linger - just checked my messages.

Been here since Friday 11am. Left Manila at 5:00am. Once we were settled in my 2 nephews played their PS2 while I took a nap. we had dinner in Mamawell's Korean Restaurant and then went to SM to get groceries for our breakfast for the duration of our stay. They also wanted play online that's why we went here too last night.

Earlier we went to Camp John Hay to have lunch and browse through the merchandise in the Mile Hi center. Took lots of pictures - well, my nephews took a lot of pictures. Hehe. We also went to the Teacher's Camp Museum and had lots of pics there too. We then went back to SM to get my brother's jeans which he had fixed. While waiting for them my sister and I went to Surplus Shop and we were able to buy a few shirts and I was able to get a black coat - not as nice as the one I wanted to get but it'll keep me warm and it will go well with jeans and with business attire.

The kids went to Quantum and then after an hour we went back to Camp JH for dinner with Tito Pablo and his family (Tito Pablo is the younger brother of my mom) at Dencio's.

It has been jampacked. Haha. If it were up to me I'd rather stay in the room - but I'd miss hanging out with my pamangkins too much :p

That's all for now. Manuod pa ko ng videos... the wholesome kind =)

Thank you, Randy Pausch.

2009-05-18T23:50:00.006+08:00

I am truly sad. I didn't know that Randy Pausch has died! I had to check several articles to check if it was true - and it was. I just can't believe it. I mean, how can I not know about this?! And then I remembered the date of his death - July 25, 2008; just 3 days after my mom died.

Have you watched his Last Lecture? Do so. You're probably going to hear stuff you've heard before, I have. But he's charimastic enough you'll want to do what he has shared. I'm definitely trying. It's hard, but I'm trying my best.

A few points from his lecture I'd like to share (in no paticular order) -

1. When we make a mistake, we say sorry. But what we forget to do is rather important - how you can make things right. It shows your sincerity.
2. Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.
3. Material things are just material things. When he got a new car he picked up his sister's kids for a trip. His sister then lectured the kids that they should not soil the new car. Behind her back and in full view of her kids - he poured soda into the seat. This was to show that he doesn't care if they get the car dirty - it's just a car. By the end of the trip, his nephew got sick and had to barf in the car. After he told the story he said he didn't really care if his nephew barfed, but what he cared about was his nephew not feeling bad about dirtying his car because he was sick.
4. Obstacles or Brick walls are there for a reason - it let's you realize how much you want to achieve something. They are there to test your dedication.
5. If someone doesn't impress you, you just have to give them enough time.
6. Have fun. Everyday.

After watching his 10-minute (i think) lecture in Oprah, I went to YouTube and watch the whole 70-minute lecture. I loved it.

*I'd like to thank you, Mr Pausch, for teaching me again. =)

SS501 U R Man. Ahlavem!

2009-05-16T00:34:00.016+08:00

This SS501 song was recorded when 2 of its members were busy with other endeavors - Kim Hyun Joong was doing Boys Before Flowers and then Park Jung Min was in a play (Grease). The 3 remaining members still recorded a song and this was it. I was going through YouTube looking at their videos and it was always the 3 members (Heo Young Saeng, Kim Hyung Joon, Kim Kyu Jong - hey, I'm getting better at this! :P) performing the song. NOW - I found a performance where ALL 5 of them were dancing, (but not singing).

KHJ is hot in this video. And the way he dances - ugh - my heart is just beating faster! I just found myself looking for him in every shot. He carries his clothes well - mejo mukha siyang gigolo dito but I don't care - he's still so absofuckinglutely sexy. *sigh*

I love how they dance - they dance as hard as the back-up dancers - no slacking at all!

This is it. It is official. Mahal ko na siya.

I got this here. All credit goes to hl821.

Hooked.

2009-05-15T18:41:00.004+08:00

I'm crazy over SS501.

There, I said it. Haha! *sigh* Mga peste 'tong mga boys na 'to. My high-school-girly self is emerging - again. I'm not really fond of Korean dramas except for Princess Hours. Then I had the chance to watch an episode of Boys Before Flowers in YouTube - and I was hooked. :) Crush ko si Kim Hyun Joong *kilig* and so I did my research and found out he's part of a Korean boy group.
How adorable. Shiyet.

Hindi lang ako marunong mag-Korean. Leche.

Blank.

2009-05-10T00:46:00.002+08:00

A week has passed.

I still hurt from the experience. It still brings tears to my eyes when I think of the circumstance which made me leave. I miss my team, my leader, sitting in Row 4 and making Wi asar :p

My team also gave me a card. And I read the card while I was having my nails done. I almost cried.

I miss my team. I miss my friends. I miss the people I have worked with for almost 5 years.

*cries*

Clean Up day.

2009-05-05T10:14:00.005+08:00

So I went to the Scholastic Book Fiesta Sale yesterday at around 4pm. And I was disappointed because most of the books I wanted were not available. last time I was there I got HP books, Hardy Boys and Totally Spies, 39 clues too. I was looking forward to purchasing more HP books (boxed sets) and Narnia books and Inkheart but wala na nga daw. Oh, sadness. Hehe.

Went home after 30 minutes of just going around the place and passed by Pioneer Centre to buy my Cranberry juice and parmesan for the pasta I'll cook today.

Our house is a mess because of the installation on the laminated floor boards. I tried to clean as much as I can but I really can't do anything unless everything is finished. My sister and I thought of sorting everything into boxes - for selling, for giving away, for throwing out.

I was able to go through my mom's elephant figurines and they were extensive. Maybe 60-70 pieces my mom collected and received over the years. Our kasambahay, Ate Judith, packed them in the plastic container I bought a few weeks ago and in a basket that used to carry my dirty clothes. I also removed pictures from the miniature picture frames my mom placed all over the house. I was thinking of making a collage using the pics and then just getting nice frames for solo but 'informal' picture we can place alongside the bigger frames in the hall. I also am crushing on one of the cabinets we had in the family hall, and make it into a bookshelf for my room. I feel so bad for my books which are now contained in paper bags and some of the books stashed in the cabinet where I used to keep my shoes. Kawawa naman sila.

My study table is still in disarray. Ugh.

So many things to do.

And I have to get my nails done.

*sigh*

Jampacked.

2009-05-04T12:23:00.004+08:00

Before i went to sleep last night, I told myself I'd update this space as much as I can... since i have all the time now. Haha.

SO... lemme see.. Thursday, April 30 was my last official day at work. Passed my resignation the night before. The day reminded me why I hate good-byes so much. My team has taught me so much in the past 4 months. And I hope I was able to teach them a thing or two. It's hard to suddenly have your life changed by a circumstance you never thought would occur. I hated the thought I made them cry :(

Met up with Fats, Jehan, Ann - waited for Kizzy to log out and then went to Shang for dinner and coffee. I love my friends. Note: I've always wanted to leave, and the only reason I stayed after all were because of the people I worked with. Went home at around 10pm, I think. I already miss Kizzy and my team. *cries*

The next day, Labor day - prepped for the Pansol retreat with my barkada. Met Mayet at Petro C5. Villa Delicia weekend - videoke, poker, swimming, kwentos, no sleep at all. My barkada are my comfort friends - it doesn't matter how sad, depressed I am. They always manage to make me smile and make me feel loved. They are family after all.

Went home the next day and slept for 11 hours methinks. Or 13. Heck. Haha. Wooke up early had my coffee and read the newspaper. Had breakfast with my sister and Dominic. Went online for a few hours and then all of us attended the 330pm Children's Mass at San Roque :) Regeena, kept the 20 peso I bill I gave for the tithe. Hehe. *sigh* Went to McDonald's Tiendesitas for a children's party until 7:30pm. Watched the Pacquiao fight from a guy's MacBook Air in the next table. Teehee. My brother was aching for a new Adidas so we went to GB3. Shoes had to be pre-ordered. Stopped by Starbucks. Stayed for 30 minutes. Saw Jpeg with his sisters. Went home 11pm.

Slept at 4am. Woke up at 745am earlier.

ganun lang. haha. Oh oh! I want to go to Scholastic in Pasig for their Summer Sale. their 2nd for the year. Yipeee!!! More books!

Musings. 042109.

2009-04-22T15:01:00.001+08:00

How can you hide from what never goes away?

=(

Help!

2009-03-19T12:16:00.002+08:00

Posting an announcement - a family friend needs blood type AB+, please read on and help if you can:
-------------
Hi!

Thank you for responding to my post. Have you ever donated platelets?

My bro-in-law has myoloma (blood cancer), getting a stem cell transplant in Mkt Med now and the blood type he needs is rare. We need about 8 people. If you are AB+, am sure you know how rare it is.

Screening will be anytime starting now, transfusion to patient starts March 23 and your platelet will be needed after March 23, in Makati Medical.

Here is a list that the med. tech will ask you if you go for screening. As not to waste your time, pls see if you are qualified. Your vein in your inner elbow should be considered HUGE.

1. 18 - 60 yrs old
2. At least 110 lbs
3. No history of hepatitis
4. Not high blood
5. No teeth extraction for at least 1 year
6. No tatoo or earpiercing for at least 1 year
7. No major or minor surgery for at least 1 year
8. Have not gone to Palawan or Africa for at least 1 year
9. No history of malaria
10. No menstruation or upcoming menstruation
11. No antibiotics or any medication for at least 1 week
12. No maintenance drugs
13. No coughs, colds or any infection at least 3 weeks from recovery
14. Not pregnant
15. Have not donated blood for the past 2 months.
16. No possibilty of having aids
17. Not an illegal drug user

Procedure for donating Platelet Apheresis takes about 3 hours.

Thank you for your time. Please let me know. Take care!

Jeleen :) (09178319759)

Movies in 2009.

2009-02-23T11:23:00.004+08:00

I got excited watching the X-Men Origins movie trailer. It was great. I had to watch the Watchmen trailer all over - this was awesome. I also grew up watching Star trek so I'm pretty hyped up about the Star Trek movie! Harry Potter is also up this year. Astroboy, too. And of course, Transformers 2.

My neffie, Raymund, is really itching to see Dragonball Evolution.

Ang dami!

Grateful.

2009-02-12T15:05:00.004+08:00

I've been wearing my glasses for 2 days now. I had to stop wearing contacts because my eyes were tearing up. *sigh*

I lool like a geek. =)

I'm having issues wearing them since I want to puke every five minutes. Ugh. My headache is killing me. I have to stop working every 10 minutes and remove my glasses, close my eyes for a while. I wanted to cry sometimes.

Oh well. I didn't wear my glasses while I was walking to the bus stop in Ayala and, not being able to see clearly, it had me thinking that I should notice people more: their features, movements, mannerisms.

Earlier I found myself looking at my team mates, maybe staring at them even! I was noticing A's dimples, W's nervous blinking, J's shiny bald head, P's nice complexion, AA's darker skin, K's highlights. These were nothing new to me but I felt compelled to commit them to memory. I also noticed myself: how my pinky would twitch when I tie my hair at the top of my head or when I write in my planner how my pen would write the l's and t's.

I don't know what's going on. Haha! But I'm just grateful I'm not blind yet.

=)

*********************************

Missing my sister who is on a Singapore-Malaysia trip. She texted me earlier that the Dave laptop table we wanted to get was out-of-stock in the IKEA store in both KL and SN. The IKEA reseller we found here in Manila sells the laptop table for Php3000, more than double the price if we get it from KL. *sad face* Will just sit on the idea of buying for a maybe a month - if I still want it then I'll get it.

Twisted Sunshine. Square One.

2009-01-23T13:43:00.003+08:00

Back to square one.

After years of restraint, of repressing the pleasure and satisfaction I know I will gain. All of it - a waste of my effort.

I'm unsteady on my feet. My head spins. My stomach full of butterflies.

It's all coming back to me now.

Of Plans.

2009-01-22T14:28:00.004+08:00

Someone just asked me what's new with me. I wasn't able to reply. Then he asked if me if I had, at least, plans. I was dumbfounded. I immediately realized - I had no plans.

Yuck.

Points to ponder for the next few days.

*sigh*

Splurge.

2009-01-19T15:05:00.003+08:00

I splurged. Now I'm broke. Haha. My hard-earned money spent on a new laptop!

Sanay naman ako ng nagtitipid eh. I'm just thankful that I have the things I have. And I have the people who really matter close to me, healthy and nourished.

Matagal ko nang alam na materialistic akong tao, but c'mon who isn't? I crave for the newest gadget and the trendy shoes. I covet new leather bags and wish I could buy every book I've wanted. Yet I know I won't be able to bring those to my grave. I crave and I covet but I don't steal and lie.

I'm not fond of scammers and I know quite a few. And it pains me to see people who lie and cheat get ahead of people who do a clean job. Unfair diba? But yes, life is unfair - but it doesn't have to be.

****

I miss my mom and my dad. Wish I was a kid again. No worries, no issues. The years are again passing me by. *sigh*

111608. Rihanna. Taguig.

2008-10-17T13:23:00.000+08:00

Philippine All Stars - World Hip Hop Champions

2008-08-14T14:46:00.002+08:00

You have to watch this. You have to.

I have never been so damn impressed in my life.

Visit their story at http://hisstorythemovie.multiply.com - let their story inspire you.

Spread the word!

Philippine All Stars - I am a believer.

Lomo's a go!

2008-07-27T20:01:00.002+08:00

Bought a Lomolitos with red flash.

Will tinker. Have shots.

Ciao.

2008-06-22T15:51:00.001+08:00

My mother passed away this morning - 4:23am.

Please pray for her soul.

I love you mommy. I'm sorry. I love you mommy.

What's your favorite time of day?

2008-05-04T08:42:00.008+08:00

Woke up at 5am today. After watching an episode of House on AXN. I decided to go down to the kitchen and hitch myself up with breakfast since the helpers weren't due in the house until 8am. My usual breakfast partner, my older sister Rhea, was at the beach with her officemates and wouldn't be home by evening. I always remember my sister when it's time for breakfast since it is her favorite meal of the day.

I took a quick peek at the family room where my mom and pamangkins were sleeping, grabbed the honey from the upstairs fridge and down the stairs I went.

I tuned in to 96.3 for some old tunes and proceeded to clean the coffeemaker. When I was satisfied with the result, I put in some coffee in the maker by the dining table and dashed to the kitchen to cook up my favorite JJ food - Ma-Ling! [To the unfamiliar JJ stands for Jolly Jeep which to the Makati worker na nagtitipid is fine dining ;)] I fried an egg, and whipped up some honey mustard sauce for my Ma-Ling. I then chopped up some garlic, mashed the night-before rice and fried them. Didn't put in too much salt since the meat was salty enough. I fixed the table and sat down for a hearty breakfast.

As I was reading the paper, I realized how quiet the house was at this time. It was nearly 7:00 am but the road was clear, the sun just making its presence felt, weather was still a a little cold. Many people think I'm this party animal always looking for a great night out and I sort of believed I was just that. However when I was at our dining table this morning, gazing at the glass doors out to the veranda - I realized I love mornings.

I just wanted to share the realization with everyone - I love mornings!

PS1 on my PSP

2008-04-07T08:14:00.003+08:00

Finally! Finally! I've converted my PS1 games to play on my PSP! I'm so happy! I missed Crash Bandicoot, IQ, Bust-A-Groove! OMG. Hehe.

I searched and searched and I saw a great tutorial in YouTube. Excellent! Now I'm converting PS2 games! Woohoo!

This particular tutorial is in 3 parts - I like it better than the other videos because 'jonny' shows you what happens after and what happens during downloading stuff. There are other videos about it. To each his own, I guess.

But go on, convert everything! Enjoy!

ABSURD: ridiculously unreasonable, unsound, or incongruous

2008-02-28T11:19:00.006+08:00

2 months into the year... and I'm already tired. I'm worn out and I want to pack up and leave. I can. But I'm trying to be logical and practical. At this point it's the wisest thing to do.

I've been in the call center industry for almost 5 years now- a year and a half with Operations and the past 3 years with Quality. I've gained skills, experiences, and competencies I know I may not have learned were I employed elsewhere. I'm proud of the nature of my work and, sometimes when I feel like handing over my resignation, I think of how lucky I am to have a job which I like.

I'm paid well, you see. If you compare it with the common folk, it's fine. But if you put the paycheck beside the list of tasks we are given - tasks that should be done by Operations, you'll see where my gripe comes from.

Ang Quality hindi sekretarya ng Operations. Hindi kami utusan.

I do not see the point of me accomplishing a task which is deemed necessary by Operations and the Client - yet they do not own the result of my work.

Pag hindi sumusunod - kulang ang ginawa ng QA. Pag sumunod - ang galing Operations.

We do not have to sanction reps if they are required to follow something which is part of their scorecard. Sanctioning will not curb the intent/action - it's the same as giving negative criticism - it doesn't work.

What works is Positive reinforcement by giving them a reason to follow - what's in it for them, how it will benefit them. Put whatever it is in the damn scorecard!

I'm so frustrated. Grabe yung effort ng team ko which is hardly recognized by the people who are too blinded by their narrow-mindedness.

Kulang ang mga mura sa bokabularyo ko mura para mailabas ko ang sama ng loob ko.

It has come to a point where everything is too absurd for tears.

Hancock.

2008-02-04T10:12:00.000+08:00

Nuod tayo!!!

I so love Will Smith. Were you guys able to watch 'I Am Legend'?

Start 2008 With A Bang.

2008-01-12T10:30:00.000+08:00

Do you know how it feels to be gossiped about?
Do you know how it feels to be mocked?

Well I do. And it makes me regret that I was honest and bold enough to do what I did. But I also know that I can not control what another person feels or what he will do with the knowledge handed to him. You just hope he is responsible enough, sensitive enough to know what a man should do in cases like, er, this... mine... whatever.

I know I shouldn't feel this way. I feel tricked.

I'm being vague. Let's just say I came out into the open. The acknowledgment was there. I just have this feeling he couldn't keep his mouth shut.

Gustong-gusto ko pa naman siya.

What a way to start my 2008.

Thank you, Nickelback, for making me laugh.

Of Tables and Books.

2007-12-01T03:33:00.000+08:00

I'm going on my 2nd trip to Boradise for this year. Heehee. It's funny -- I've been to Boracay many times but I still get all excited before I go. Weird.

I'm going to the island with my officemates (Ryan, Amabs, Leah, & Myles) -- first-timers to Boracay! I will serve as their tour guide. *bow sabay hintay ng bayad*
--------------------------

So I just got my Purploony (my psp slim named after a PSXer admin at lavander kasi kulay ng psp ko), and ahlavet!!! I just added new games and bought all kinds of accessories for it: a silicon case, a travel bag, a polycarbonate case which can also serve as a stand. I stopped myself from buying the earphones because I just bought 2 in-ear earphones for my iPod which go great with the psp and the tv-out cables since I had no use for it really.

What I also wanted to get were speakers for purploony but the stores I visited still do not have slim-compatible speakers so I guess I'll just have to wait for those.
--------------------------

I need to have new shelves installed. My books are piled on the floor. I wrapped my books in plastic covers and it took me quite a while to accomplish these because of the number but now that I've done it, I realized that my existing shelves can't hold all of the books we have. Kawawa naman sila.

I should get a new study table. Well, er, not a study table but more of like a work station. The table I currently have has outgrown my needs and I think I should include the pc and laptop I have to fit the picture. *sigh* I browsed through online office furniture stores and found 2 samples which I liked.

These are the nicest I can find, and since baka ipagawa ko na lang siya, I can make my own modifications -- like extending the bookshelves on both sides and extending them to high heavens to accomodate some of the books. Kaya ko kayang gawin 'to? May power tools naman sa bahay and I can just ask the hardware store to cut the wood sa size na gusto ko.

Shet. Baka 10 million years before I finish. So, yeah, ipagawa na lang.

I knew you'd say that.

Ass.

Yey!! It's Lavander!

2007-11-18T03:49:00.000+08:00

Shameless Plugging 101.

2007-11-15T09:18:00.000+08:00

I just wanted to advertise a few things: *ahem*

Bargain Corner - my friend, Bianca, is selling authentic Nine West bags at very low, low prices! I bought one already. Hihi. Bili na kayo!

UR Guilty Pleasures - another friend, Mishee, is selling bags (Nine West & XOXO) as well as perfumes, and other stuff!

Bananatrix - another friend, Will, (ang dami kong business-minded friends 'noh? Hehe) - is into baking these to-die for banana cakes ala cup cakes and more! I'm addicted, and I'm sure you'll love it. *rose gets hungry*

Last - my brilliant 14-year old nephew, David Ples, has just released his book The Talisman Unsealed. Please get a copy ;) Excellent work, David!

Yun lang. =)

Ciao!

Of Changes And Sensibility.

2007-10-29T01:50:00.000+08:00

I fell in love with Boracay the first time I set foot on its shore 10 years ago.

My uncle brought me to the island, along with his staff and the champion team of the just-concluded City-wide basketball tournament (a trip to Boracay was their prize! Lucky chaps!). We landed first in Kalibo and then took a 2-hour road trip on rough terrain to Caticlan. Believe me when I say my arse was truly sore after that. When we got to the (what we know now as) Caticlan jetty port -- well, actually there was no port, just a cottage where tourists had to pay for their boat ride, we had to wait a few minutes for Willy's (resort) boat to take us to the island. Midway through the boat trip, I looked down at the water and I couldn't believe that it was so clear! I could see the stones at the bottom! I remember calling out to people and telling them to look out and down, and hearing all the wows, the oohs, the aahs. Once we were all standing in front of Willy's Resort, nobody really wanted to go their rooms yet and we stayed in the beach for a while to get a good look of the water, the sand, the sky. I think we went directly to Willy's Rock before going to our rooms! We stayed there for 6 days... 6 blissful days. I was infatuated. And before I knew it, I was in love. I nearly cried when I realized we had to come home.

I've been coming back to its cozy embrace almost every year since then and I see the gradual changes in the things I do during my stay - drinking and dancing until the wee hours of the morning to snorkeling, jet skiing, windsailing to just relaxing and taking in the great scenery lying before me.

I get it now -- I don't necessarily fancy the water sports nor the nightlife as much as other people, nor the thrill of land adventure it offers -- it appeals to me, yes, but I don't crave for it nor want it. I've tried almost everything once. And I think that's enough.

My beach trip to Panglao was a key to this realization. I now know that a beach trip doesn't have to be a 'gimmick' with booze and hip-hop or house music. It's what's sensible which really matters.

I'm now more into the sights, the people I'm with, the sounds, the feel of things, the smiles, the taste of its food. I'm into the anecdotes from a book a friend will share while she's reading it. I'm into the 'kwentos' friends will suddenly share with me while we're sunbathing, the hirits which come while drinking strawberry wine in the beach, the life-changing realizations which are shared during long walks from station to station, I'm into waking early to get a wonderful view of the empty beach. I'm into the kids who bathe naked in the crystal clear water without a care in the world. I'm into the words of wisdom a true friend will utter at the most opportune time.

These are the beach experiences which I'm after.

Boradise-bound.

2007-10-21T11:39:00.000+08:00

I'm off to Bora.

Beaching myself! Yihi!

Ciao!

Of Fairy Tales and Art.

2007-10-13T13:48:00.000+08:00

I used to believe in fairy tales. I was fascinated with the thought of living in a castle with servants waiting for my every command, catering to my whim and fancy. I dreamt endlessly of my knight in shining armor sweeping me off my feet. I was excited at the thought that I could have an army ready to march to battle in my honor.

The wonders of childhood.

At one point in my life, I thought I had stumbled into a fairy tale. I couldn't believe my luck. But I should've known better and should've armed myself with the knowledge that nothing is ever perfect, nothing and no one is constant. And it took me quite a few relationships to realize fairy tales do not exist for me. No Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet. No Knight in Shining Armor to save me from witches and dragons. No army to fight my battles.

Fairy tales are exactly what they're called: non-existent and fictional.

------------------

My good friend and neighbor, Ces, sent me new books to read: The Secret Life Of Bees and The Secret Life Of Husbands. Unfortunately, haven't started reading any of the two, but I've read some good reviews.

She also sent me a cd of the Avenue Q Musical Sountrack, and I have to say, I love it! The songs were right on the money. It was never boring, it played the characters of the play to the hilt! It was funny and entertaining that I was actually laughing out loud when I was listening to it on my iPod on the bus going home (now, that was embarrasing). *sigh* I wish I can watch it though.

Some songs of note:
There's A Fine, Fine Line performed by Kate/Stephanie D'Abruzzo
The Internet Is For Porn performed by Kate/Stephanie D'Abruzzo, Trekkie Monster/Rick Lyon & the Guys
What Do You Do with a B.A. in English?/It Sucks To Be Me performed by The Cast

Read all about Avenue Q by clicking on the banner above. And get your own copy of the CD. It's worth it.

Of Movies and Books.

2007-07-25T17:54:00.001+08:00

I'm back.

No, I wasn't on vacation. I couldn't even go on a vacation if I wanted to anyway so NO, I wasn't on vacation.

But I have to admit, I have neglected this site for far too long. I've been lazy to put it simply.

I loved 'Transformers' by the way. Watched it twice on the big screen. I suddenly missed watching Transformers on Channel 9 and then Channel 13 when I was kid. It was nice seeing Bumblebee be a Camaro instead of a Volkswagen. Now, that was cool.

I also watched Harry Potter twice. Having read the book several times, I'd say the movie/ story line was predictable, but the acting was definitely good. That Radcliffe boy is hot. Hmm.

Finsihed the 7th book too. Of the HP series, I mean. And I have to say, I cried many times while reading it. Waiting for Harry Potter books has become a yearly treat for me (and I'm sure for a lot of people), and now, it's done. No more HP books. *sigh* I sort of have to say that once in a while... to get used to it.

Speaking of books, I'm waiting for the release of the 3rd book in the Inheritance series by Christopher Paolini. And because of the end og HP, I've been going to the bookstore more often than usual.

Oh well. For now, this will do.

Ciao.

Screwed.

2007-04-10T22:21:00.000+08:00

Yup, I'm screwed.

My external hard drive went kaput.

EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING IS GONE.

MUSIC. PICTURES. MOVIES. DOCUMENTS. MUSIC. PICTURES. MOVIES.

ALL GONE.

Did I just say I'm screwed?

Fuckin' screwed.

Of Pen and Paper. Part II.

2007-03-14T23:49:00.000+08:00

She wrote back! Rita wrote back!!!!

It just arrived this afternoon and when I got home from work at around 9pm it was displayed prominently on our mail table. I opened it immediately and started reading.

I mailed my letter the day after I wrote my Of Pen and Paper entry. The date on her letter said March 5, 2007, so it took my letter more than a month to reach her. She said 'it has been a long time since I last wrote you. But it doesn't mean that I forgot you. I'm very joyful about your letter.'

Parang gusto kong umiyak nung pagkabasa ko 'yun.

She also sent a picture. Sorry, it's blurry because my scanner is busted so I had to use my phone to take the pic. The little boy beside Argo, her dog (who is 7 dog-years old now), is Karlis (her son! Ang gwapo!) who just turned 4 last January 11. Her mom and dad have retired enjoying their 4 grandchildren. Rita passed her medical exam and she's now working as a nurse in P. Stradiva Hospital in their Neurovasculary and Neuroncology department. She's now a Ph. D. student and will defend her doctoral thesis in engineering sciences 2-3 years from now. She says she doesn't have internet yet but will send an email my way once she has it in their home.

Wow. I can't wipe away the silly smile on my lips. I am truly happy for her and relieved she's doing sooooo well, and her family, too.

Thanks everyone for hoping with me! It was well worth the wait really.

I'm glad that I took the time to write her and, well, sort of renew our friendship.This is definitely a bond worth keeping.

A year after saying goodbye...

2007-02-25T15:33:00.000+08:00

Yes, I'm still in love.

Demmet. *drives a stake through heart*

*sigh*

Gusto ko nang dumating yung araw na iisipin ko na lang ----

"What the fuck was I thinking?!"

That'll be the day.

For now, I still love him. And it's killing me.

Of Pen and Paper.

2007-01-29T10:16:00.000+08:00

I had free time over the weekend so I decided to clean up my desk drawers. As I was sorting through the countless receipts, meaningless post-it notes, and funny-smelling stationaries I've collected since I was in grade school, I came upon Rita's last letter which I haven't been able to reply to.

Just to make things clear: Rita was, well, is my Latvian pen pal. Yes, PEN PAL. Haha.

It all began during my last year in high school. On our first week of classes Mr dela Vega, our beloved World History professor, told us we had to write to someone from another country and have them give us first-hand information about their culture, history and traditions. No relatives: Canada and the US were not included. Filipinos in any country do not count. [This was a time e-mail was not option, the internet available to businesses and was altogether unheard of at that time]. You could just imagine our horror at was he was asking us to do. But our grade depended on this, so a week into the announcement it was a common thing to see the seniors of St. Paul Pasig batch 94 to have a copy of Buy and Sell, scanning through the pen pal section, looking for a prospect pen pal.

I wrote to at least 10 people who appeared wholesome in their ads. Only 2 wrote back. The first was a German, who wrote in his reply to my candid letter of friendship that he was 'looking for Filipina wife and you seem to be perfect.' I tore the letter into pieces and burned them.

The second letter I received was from Rita. Her English was bad but she got her message across, her penmanship neat and clear. She was 17 (at that time) and planning to enter medical school the next year, and has 3 sisters. They are not rich but they get by, she says. Her dad is a driver and her mom a housewife. She didn't know anything about the Philippines but she'd very much like to know everything about it and would I care to correspond with her? Would I care? I wrote a reply and sent it the next day.

We continued to correspond over the next 5 years, sending each other tokens, pictures, postcards, books, pamphlets, and even food. We've shared deaths, birthdays, holidays, and births even. She would write me stories of her dog, Argo, and I would entertain her with stories of my cat, Long. She invited me to visit her and I said if she found herself in Asia someday she can definitely stay with me.

Now, I have in front of me a letter she sent in 2000. I feel bad for not finding the time to write back. I feel so ashamed of not taking care of the friendship we've formed. I've grown accustomed to just typing the words and sending it through email that I don't know if I'll be able to write something eligible and meaningful.

I realize that I will write back and I will write beautifully. It will be long and I will send pictures of me and my 3 pesky pamangkins. I will tell her how sorry I am for not corresponding with her the past 6 years and that I have no excuse to offer her. I am still her friend and I hope that she feels the same way.

And maybe I'll also ask her if she has an email address now... you know, just to make things easier for the both of us.

Trip.

2006-12-31T23:38:00.000+08:00

Dec 29 '06. Friday, 2:19pm. Tired from harassing myself to finish my quota for the week, I gratefully sat on a vacant bench on the bus and proceeded to listen to my pod. I go to my Chill Out playlist and once the music starts I close my eyes and take myself on a ride I'm all too familiar with.

My mind processes the events which made me cry and left me with no sleep. I cringe at my feeble and cowardly attempt to profess my affection and a sigh escapes from my lips at the thought of getting no reaction whatsoever. Regret tries to enter with its ugly lengthy horns, but I close my mind to regret. If it hurt, it was probably worth it.

Flashes of Nitro IB pics, okrayan with Markie and Jamie, coaching session with my agents, 45-minute yosi breaks in Starbucks Valero, counseling sessions with Cha Ems, Astoria drinking nights.

My mind then scans through the QA room nightshift quartet (Vince, Jenny, Fats, Me): I remember the night when Fats went on leave. In an attempt to have Fats bring us some Julie baked goodies the next shift, Vince staged a hostage-taking photo-shoot of Fats' stuffed toy (using my crazy Nido pen and a plastic fork). The QA room conference table was laden with ensaymada, hotdog rolls, and sweet cakes the next night. I then remember the small gifts and thoughts everyone gave me when I had to leave the program to start a new one: the Jollibee cheeseburger, the Goldilocks pinipig, the sweet cards, the ref magnet...

And then the beach trips. La Union, Batangas, Bohol, Boracay. I begin to miss the waves of La Union and the awesome morning breeze in Batangas. I try hard to recall the feel of the ebbing tide around my ankles as I walk on the beach in Boradise. I long to lie in the hammock I slept in on a lazy morning in Panglao.

Faces of the people I love parade before me and I thank the heavens for my good fortune in spite of the hell-ish 12 months. I then tell myself: It's been a crazy year. I have no idea how I survived it.

I open my eyes and see the Pasig River, reminding me I have to be ready to get off the next stop. I stop my pod and stuff it deep in my bag.

I don't listen to music as I climb to the MRT and cross EDSA to ride a trike for home, but I still see the faces, the places and events. I regret nothing. I still hurt. I am not happy.

I am fortunate to have lived through it.

An 11-minute orgasm.

2006-12-24T17:15:00.000+08:00

Nobody does it better than Jason Mraz.

Merry Christmas!

Empty Room.

2006-12-07T23:14:00.000+08:00

Share with you this passage which made me teary-eyed unexpectedly.

"Passion, it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us, guides us, passion rules us all and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments: the joy of love, the clarity of hatred, and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace, but we would be hollow--empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead."

Will be leaving for Baguio in a few hours.

May this short respite rekindle any passion left within.

Choice.

2006-11-13T01:14:00.000+08:00

I attended a seminar the office was conducting called Quest for Personal Mastery (QPM). The seminar discussed how well you know yourself (personal mastery nga eh!); how well you know your goals and objectives; when to tag tasks as important and urgent or important but not urgent; when to take a break from the chaos; and, what are the standards by which you live by.

The seminar did not disappoint and we ended the day feeling good about what we've discovered and shared with the other participants. I was particularly happy because for the longest time I've wanted to compose a Mission Statement and much to my delight QPM helped me compose one. I was so proud of having written it I immediately saved a draft of it here so I can share it thereby ensuring I would have a follow through.

This was a good 2 months ago.

I haven't published it as you may have noticed.

Honestly, I'm scared to publish it. Scared like a wet cat under a car with nowhere to go.

It hurts to admit this: I'm afraid I won't be able to live up to that Mission Statement. I think I'm afraid that by having (and publicizing) this Mission Statement my actions will be restricted and guarded.

Isn't it that when you have a Mission Statement it's supposed to strengthen your resolve to make the right decisions, to do the right things? Now, I find myself asking for justification for having one at all. If I do live this Mission Statement of mine, will it actually prove that I am mature enough, that I have learned enough?

I'm tempted sometimes to throw the piece of paper away or just throw caution to the wind as what I've always done.

Funny, I've done something I've wanted to do for such a long time yet here I am unsure of what to do next: to abide by it or to just throw it away.

I know it is a choice I will have to make... on my own.

I need a vacation.

2006-11-02T00:48:00.000+08:00

Finally bought meself a spanking 160GB external hard drive.

Oh yeah.

I'm currently moving all of my files right now. And I am mighty pleased. My sister has been complaining that her 'space' has dramatically gone down. And she's blaming me.

Er well, you see, we just share 40GB of space so ubos agad yung kalahati - and most of hers too - because of my files. You have to understand... I have my needs for crying out loud!

Another good thing about having this good-looking gadget is that I can now access all my files (movies, music, pictures, documents) using the PC or my laptop. I also love its security feature: this baby is password protected.

Hah! My porn files are safe!!!

Ah, er, well, I mean, y'know what I mean...

*********

My best friend Mayette has just returned from her 3-week Asian backpacking romp and I can't wait to see her and hear all her stories. I would've loved to travel with her to Asia's exotic places but going on-leave for 3 weeks from work would find me unemployed upon my return. *sigh*

But I've booked a trip to Siam early next year. Alone. Wala lang. Maybe Mayette or Mishel would come with me but I've decided to go kahit walang kasama.

It would be an adventure, I bet.

*********

TGIF. Been working 12-hour shifts for the past week. We were doing a month's worth of evaluations in a week. Yet we were able to do our entry for the Spook-Up-Your-Station contest in the office!

Pretty neat, eh?

Oh well. I'm just taking it day-by-day-by-day...

As the song goes: I can't wait for the weekend to begin.

Still solving riddles at...

2006-10-18T23:42:00.000+08:00

Riddle of the Scale.

2006-10-18T02:34:00.000+08:00

Libra is the seventh sign of the Zodiac and associated with justice. Individuals born under this sign are thought to have a pleasant, charming, fair, perceptive, idealistic, refined, and diplomatic character, but one which is also prone to frivolity, flirtatiousness, indecision, deceitfulness, and insecurity.

To truly understand Libra, you must understand the riddle of the scales; one side heaped high with vivid, golden leaves, suggesting brisk, autumn weather- the other side holding sky blue bunches of shy violets, drenched in the fresh scent rain. When the scales dip, bright optimism turns into silent panic, weighed down with lonely depression. When they balance, they produce a perfect harmony between her rich, crackling intellect and her affectionate, sympathetic heart. - Mizian, Wikipedia

Yep, that's me alright. No freaking doubt.

Hoo-rah!

2006-10-15T11:37:00.000+08:00

I always wanted Apple to either release a red iPod or a red iBook/iMac.

Just as I was getting an 80GB iPod, this beauty comes along.

And it's in fiery vava-voom red.

How can I resist?

Help.

2006-10-07T11:13:00.000+08:00

Good friend Chris is getting married in May next year and a few days ago we met after my shift so she can accompany me to for my fitting with Mr. Farales. She got me as one of her secondary sponsors, and another free formal wear for my collection. Haha.

Anyway we had lunch in Via Mare in Powerplant, where we met another gymnast friend, Nina. We all met in Club Gymnastica a good 14 years ago. We actually disliked each other. Chris' cousin became my first boyfriend and she hated me even more after that. Nina thought I was this bitch who was trying to impress the coach with my 'round-off backhandspring and then landing with a flair' attitude. Haha. Eventually we ironed out our differences and became friends. When Chris' cousin and I broke up a year and few months after she took me and pareng Jose Cuervo in, in her home with open arms and lots of lemon. Nina followed and wisely kept the knives and sharp tools away from me.

That was our bonding moment.

They know I'm not fond of unpleasant surprises.

It came out of nowhere: Could you sing during my bridal walk...

I thought Chris was asking Nina, but when I looked up from my salad she was looking at me; and Nina, with this anong-isasagot-mo look.

Hell no.

It's an easy piece, she says, Panunumpa... acapella.

Easy? Panunumpa? Is she kidding?

Hell NO.

I have sung Panunumpa in another friend's wedding and it is a freaking difficult piece. It's a beautiful and moving song when done in acapella. I've heard Carol Banawa do it and it was awesome. Hindi ko kaya yun. =(

10 years of smoking at least 4 sticks a day has deteriorated my once-okay singing voice. I can still hit the high notes but the strain is too hard for me to sustain. Hindi ko na kaya.

Not many people know this but back in grade/high school I used to join singing contests or sing intermission numbers. Haha. I know. Ayos noh? Hehe. Chris and I both studied in Maestro Ryan Cayabyab's music school in Mile Long in Makati for 2 summers. Actually I persuaded her to join me. Sabi nga niya, kung pwede lang siya na rin ang kakanta, but as it is... she wanted me to sing.

Oh God. She trusts me that much. And I so love her.

Will bargain for another song.

Any suggestions?

Every second counts.

2006-09-24T23:12:00.000+08:00

Were you able to watch Game 1 of the UAAP Finals?!

With a second left in the game who would've thought ADMU would win?!

Tangina talaga. Wala. Wala nakong nasabi.

Peste.

Remembering my Long.

2006-09-11T09:51:00.000+08:00

I still remember that September day when Long, my first Siamese cat, died.

I remember because I had my air conditioner turned off because of the rain so it was cold in my room. I distinctly heard Aling Conching's shrill voice asking my nephew Dominic to leave the kitchen. It was uncharacteristic of Aling Conching to raise her voice at my nephews, only when they were harassing my beloved Siamese cats and kittens. I really didn't think it had anything to do with my cats so I hurriedly got up and proceeded downstairs. At the last step, I saw the maids through the open kitchen door looking in the direction of the dirty kitchen. My nephew Dominic was with them, clutching Ate Icha's arm and looking forlorn. I saw Ate Icha look at me with these sad eyes, and Aling Conching, blocking the way to the dirty kitchen with the same dark eyes as Icha's.

I knew something was terribly wrong.

They were all quiet. Nobody dared tell me the truth when I asked what was going on. Just Dominic's eyes darting to the dirty kitchen made me inspect what was outside. Aling Conching immediately got out of my way. Big Foot and Buster, my sweet full-grown Siamese males were sitting near a plywood propped against a wall and as I stepped nearer, they both started wailing this deep, throaty growl. I kneeled down to rub the area underneath their chin to calm them down when I saw Long's beautiful tail from the back of the plywood.

And I knew.

I stared and I knew. And it broke my heart.

I blinked back the tears that were threatening to fall. I stroked Big Foot and Buster and then turned to go inside the house. I asked the maids not to touch her until I say so, then I went upstairs. I went to my parent's dressing room with the intent of going to the bathroom, but I couldn't hold back my tears. I didn't even bother to turn on the lights.

I cried because I lost not just a pet but a family member. I cried because I lost something I treasured and loved. I cried because I lost a best friend. I cried because I didn't get to spend much time with her when I started working again. I cried because she was, aside from my mother, so atuned to my every feeling and emotion.

Here's Long trying to hide. My mom was going to give her a bath kasi. Hehe.

I had her for 11 years.

For most of those years, she slept in my room. She was my constant companion at home. If I went out on a gimmick, she'll wait for me at the top of the stairs, or I'll find her sleeping in front of my bedroom door, waiting for me.

I fed her, bathed her, cleaned after her, groomed her, clipped her nails, cleaned her nose, un-waxed her ears, took her to the vet, took her to the mall, took her to the park, kept vigil when she was sick, cried when she went missing once.

Her devotion to my dad is legendary: My dad loved Long, tolerated her scratches on his chest with just a hearty laugh, wouldn't move an inch when he finds Long sleeping beside him or on top of him, even if her butt was in his nose. My dad would sit in the sofa to watch TV if Long was in his favorite lounge chair. If it was me or my kuya we would definitely be asked to remove our ass off it. It was Long he looked for when he arrived from work. If I was my daddy's girl then she was definitely my dad's cat. During my father's wake which we held in our home, Long took it upon herself to guard him by staying underneath his casket the whole 4 days.

I miss having my cats around. Buster and Big Foot have died of old age too.

My mom once said having cats was good training ground for us because it was no different now that we have 3 rowdy kids running around the place.

I couldn't agree more.

**********

It's four days late but happy birthday to you. You know who you are.

Better than yesterday.

2006-08-28T15:22:00.000+08:00

Alas, internet connection!

Using my old yet trusty laptop again. Five years old and counting. Seems like I'd be using this beauty for a longer time. My monitor is still busted but, now that I have dsl in my laptop, having it fixed or buying a new LCD monitor is not really a priority.

Dang. I forgot to upload my comments regardign that rabbi and breasts thingie. Will do that tomorrow or before the week ends.

********

My head hurts. Hangover sucks. Grr.

Watched the championship game last night between Teletech and eTel at the Metro Gym. Sadly, we lost. But it was a good game, kulang lang talaga. After the game I did some errands. While having some jewelry fixed at Shang some guys from the basketball team texted me they were in Pier 1 in the Fort area 'celebrating.' When I arrived at Pier 1 the closed area was full of eTel people, upper management and operations people. Mejo overwhelmed ako. Haha. Ang daming tao kaya ang saya! The beer was overflowing and so was the food. Went home at around 1am and the place was still packed.

Now, a hangover. Peste. Hehe.

*********

A good friend of mine will be leaving soon for Australia on September 16. His girfriend, also our good friend, is already in Aus and I know how much he's missed her. And I'm certainly happy they'll be together again after 6 months of being separated from each other.

He hasn't left yet but I miss him already. He's given me a lot of great advices and a lot of pep talks. Though he's two years younger, his views and way of thinking go beyond minds of men his age. He's been a dependable companion for some time now and I'm having a hard time accepting the fact he'll be leaving soon.

Aaawwww. Pak.

What I need to do now is save some more so I can attend their wedding in Australia.

Dino!!! I know you'll be able to read this. Sobrang miss na kita, bro. :'(

*********

I need to beach myself soon. A lot of changes, all at the same time. It's quite confusing. Hmm. Well, kailan ba umayos ang buhay ko?!

Couldn't stop myself from viewing the Panglao pictures. I can't wait to go back and just relax. My trip to Panglao was truly a hassle-free experience: no fuss, no hang-ups, no pressure, no stress. Just what a vacation should be.

*********

Handling 'depression' well. Might be out of it, really. With 3 pamangkins in tow every Saturday and having them in my room for play/video/nap time everyday, there isn't any time to be depressed! Too busy hugging, cajoling, reading, cursing under my breath, getting milk, pinching cheeks/butts, changing videos, cursing under my breath, kissing, hugging again, reprimanding... oh, you get the picture.

I've been contemplating of getting a place of my own, but the thought of being away from those kids just breaks my heart. So for now, I'm staying.

Oh my pamangkins, my saviors.

Literally.

Of Rabbis and Breasts.

2006-08-22T05:44:00.000+08:00

Fascinated with this argument.

Just to give you a heads up - it's about breast-feeding.

The 'controversial' article which started all this brouhaha.

This is a father's rebuttal to the said article.

This is a blog-for-mothers point of view.

My sentiments I will post tomorrow. Too upset and too much stress.

And monitor still not working. Bwiset.

Update. Not.

2006-08-02T22:53:00.000+08:00

My monitor at home is busted so I haven't been able to go online for a week now. I've asked to have my dsl installed on my laptop since I had to reinstall its original OS when XP slowed it down too much.

Oh well. Hassle.

I'm now only online when in the office.

Swing away.

2006-07-24T08:53:00.000+08:00

T: You already know what happened to him? Did your kuya tell you?

Me: Yeah, I know. I'm going, later, to his wake. I'm just waiting for my cousin.

T: Nakakagulat 'di ba? We even talked before he died. He's my ninong, you know. Text me when you're there na. Daan din ako. Your cousin the only one with you?

Me: He's with Doc J daw eh.

T: Really? Okay lang yun. Magkwentuhan lang naman tayo eh. Wala namang masama dun, right?

Me: Er, yeah. Nothing.

*****

Sometimes life throws you these amazing fastballs. I don't like spending time analyzing how to catch it the easiest way I can.

I just grab a bat and swing away.

I just swing away.

Litany.

2006-07-11T01:50:00.000+08:00

I miss you.

Fuck it.

I miss you so much. I miss running my fingers through your hair.

Fuck it.

I miss your lips.

I miss you.

I miss being with you. I miss the way you make me laugh.

I miss you.

I miss everything about you.

I miss you.

Of Age and Wisdom.

2006-07-03T05:11:00.000+08:00

I'm turning 30 this October. And sometimes I can't quite believe it. At times I feel some years of my life just passed me by and it sucks when I waste time thinking long and hard what I did with those years. It also hurts I can't seem to remember what good those wasted years did me.

There are so many things I'd love to accomplish, adventures I'd love to devour, experiences I'd want to gush about, deadlines I'd be challenged to meet. Yet here I am in my darkened room thinking about wasted years, nothing to show for my bravery and eloquence.

I am envious and I am still blind.

I see the horns of depression pushing its way out. I feel the bumps of helplessness struggling to take over. I'm thinking it's futile to stop them. But I still suppress them with what's left of my diminishing sanity.

I'd like to think I'm in control of my life. I'd like to think I'm an adult who has learned from her mistakes. I'd like to believe I'm veering my life in the direction I want it to go. I'd like to believe I'm actually making a difference.

I'd like to. That tells me everything is an illusion.

I'm living the life of a 25-year old with nothing to lose but time.

Of Popcorn and Men In Tights.

2006-06-28T14:00:00.000+08:00

Watched Superman Returns this morning.

Yep, you read that right: THIS MORNING. 8:30 am to be exact. Haha.

The office sponsored a Movie Day and for Site PBCom: it was SUPERMAN RETURNS in Greenbelt 3.

With popcorn and drinks.

Talk about pre-premiere showing. And I didn't have to pay. Hah.

Picker-upper.

2006-06-20T14:25:00.000+08:00

This is currently my picker-upper.

Oh, just watch it. You'll see and hear why.

I soooo love Bubble Gang.

Song in my head.

2006-06-15T15:30:00.000+08:00

Discovered I haven't recovered fully, but hey, getting there.
I'm getting there.

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me

I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart, and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no, you won't
And I can't make you love me
If you don't

I'll close my eyes and then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

And I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
And here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no, you won't
And I can't make you love me if you don't

Ain't no use in you trying
It's no good for me without love
All my tears, all these years, everything I believed in

Someone's gonna love me...

It glitters but it's not gold.

2006-06-09T11:54:00.000+08:00

I know that it's standard procedure not to have too much expectations. Maybe I was overwhelmed. Maybe he gave me the impression he was smart.

Peste.

I feel so disillusioned actually. I don't know much about him. What I know about him are menial things. When I try to get to know him, all I get are simple answers and no follow through! The thing is he emailed me first. He initiated this.

Men.

Grrr.

Yeah, I am old enough to walk away from this; to walk away before disappointment gets the better of me. My mind says 'be patient,' but it also says 'bail out before it's too late.'

Gademit.

Audioscrobbling.

2006-05-30T16:15:00.000+08:00

I started Audioscrobbling a year ago. Discovered it while I was going through a thread in ipodlounge.com and they were talking about this great plug-in for iTunes which then creates charts for you: top overall artist, top weekly tracks, top artists, top albums, and so on and so forth. They then compared playlists and new artists: who listened to what and what songs to watch out for.

Music junkie that I am, I immediately launched a new browser, typed in the then-URL and I was hooked.

I discovered The Trash Can Sinatras who dish out this rock/alternative/new wave kind of music. They remind me of The Smiths. I love Hayfever and Only Tongue Can Tell. Ahlaykem!

Pretty cool, yes?

I get a few private messages now and then regarding the music I listen to, where I get my music and all that. People then started adding me up, sharing their music - which was fantastic! And now some PEx people are in on the fun even. Astig.

The coolest thing is this: they are currently experiencing this sort of lag in the uploading of the charts because of server changes, and because of this, they upgraded some, ahem, lucky members to subscriber status!

"The new profile system should be in place within 2 weeks - unfortunately, meanwhile you may continue to experience slow chart-updates. We're really sorry about this, it does suck mightily. All your scrobbling is being logged though, so your charts will return in all their glory once we're over this hurdle.

To sweeten the deal we're upgrading your account with a free 1 month subscription. (or extending it if you already subscribe). Along with the usual subscriber perks, you'll have access to the beta test of the new site update (in early June). This will give you a chance to try out the new charts system before everyone else, and tell us what you think before it's launched.

Regards,
The Last.fm Team"
Never mind if it's just a month?! Really. And beta-testing?! Astig 'to.
C'mon. Join the fun and add me up.

Take a tour now.

Way Of Life.

2006-05-21T15:05:00.000+08:00

Dancing is a way of life for me, just as writing is to some people, or basketball.

Dance should come naturally with or without music. It's in the swing in your hips when you walk. It's in the way your shoulders move when you wave goodbye. It's in the way your fingers grip the wheel and in how you turn it. It's how you flip your hair without using your hands.

It's innate. It's never learned. It's either you have it or you don't.

They say all you need is rhythm. I say all you need is passion.

P.S.
This post came about because a friend still can't get over the fact that I can dance to Wolfgang's Center Of The Sun. Hehe. Wolfgang rules!

Boradise in pictures.

2006-05-15T18:52:00.000+08:00

Of Shots and Lost Causes. Part II.

2006-05-08T03:10:00.000+08:00

***click here for Part I.

J: You drunk na? (takes a swig of his beer then adjusts his Ray-Bans)

Me: Soon-to-be. (clinks my vodka ice bottle with his sweaty beer can) Why?

J: Oh nothing. (stares at me then sneers) So... you said good-bye...

Me: *groans* I did. Do we have to talk about it?

J: Bakit ayaw mong pag-usapan? (no response from me as I finish off the vodka ice) Sige, pagtawanan na lang natin.

(laughter)

Me: Gago ka talaga. (silence) Sometimes, naiisip ko sana hindi ko na lang ginawa. But most of the time, all I can think about is how free I feel. No burden, no hidden agenda. No more waiting for him to see my real worth. No more waiting for the texts which I know will never be sent. (grabs another vodka ice from the cooler) And, alam mo, tama yung sinabi niya: He's God's gift to women... blind ones. I hate to admit it, I am blind, J. Blind as a fucking bat. (leans back on the recliner and takes a deep breath) Yep, I'm totally jaded now.

J: (sits up and takes off his sunglasses) Tanga. He's the lost cause. Not you. Tandaan mo yun. You tried to change things between the two of you pero siya yung may ayaw. That doesn't make you less of a woman than you really are. Saying good-bye to him just proves you are the woman because you know you deserve something more and you deserve more from him. (silence) Oi, kahit naka-shades ka alam kong naiiyak ka na. (looks away for a moment then turns to me) I know your pain. Pero tandaan mo, once you find the right one you'll realize why it never worked with anyone else.

*kampai*

And yes, I'm still in beach mode.

Back to reality.

2006-05-05T09:53:00.000+08:00

First day of work.

First day back to reality.

Went to work at 6:30 am, got my White Chocolate Mocha and my Chicken Clubhouse.

Just got my AOL screen name. And of course since I had to be familiar with the software I immediately started trying out its features and everything else... hence, my AOL journal.

Haha.

Need... to... fix... life...

Argh.

Still in beach mode,

rose

And I'm off... again.

2006-04-28T13:56:00.000+08:00

I'm off to Boradise.

Will start being stressed when I come back Thursday.

Ciao.

Beach me in Panglao.

2006-04-26T22:39:00.000+08:00

The plane ride from Manila to Tagbilaran took 45 minutes. For us, it was more like 10 minutes. Haha. Puro asaran ang naganap sa eroplano. If only the stewardess knew we were talking about them.

During the low tide, Bryan and Philip searched for some sea urchins, while Kayla, Ces and I went off and searched for more starfish, crabs, and eels. It was inevitable that we join the search for sea urchins so we grabbed a lot. Suffice to say, our search was not in vain. All viands were gone after dinnertime. Haha.

The moonrise. It was breathtaking. You know that time na parang hapon na magga-gabi na? It was dark but bright as well... alam mo yun? Ganun yung hitsura. It's hard to explain and I know I'm blustering for the correct words but it was simply beautiful.

We played around with the digicam settings so we could get some pretty cool pics. Laugh trip.

We tried to wake up at 530am each day to catch the sunrise in spite of the hang-over.

And I'm sure glad we did.

***All pictures were taken by me, well, except for the one where Philip was kissing the fish - taken by Ces, and the last one, taken by Bry or Dino.

Drop and Fly.

2006-04-21T17:05:00.000+08:00

Taken at 8:13pm. 04/15/06. Panglao, Bohol.

Yep, I'm just dropping by and then flying away for now. Have too much to do. Will post something coherent tomorrow, er, maybe Saturday... er...

Anyway, our Bohol get-away was amazing.

I was again reminded of how truly beautiful our country is.

I sincerely hope it stays that way.

And I'm off...

2006-04-15T00:49:00.000+08:00

Will be back to harassing people Wednesday night. Hehe.

Ciao.

Pardon me. Again.

2006-04-06T14:32:00.000+08:00

As I was checking my e-mail this hot Thursday afternoon, an unknown e-mail address sent me a short message:

***** Do you have to broadcast your feelings on the net? Why not settle the score with the person who you feel so strongly about? You have game right? Prove it. *****

Oh. My. Dear. Goodness. Not another freaking know-it-all shithole who thinks he/she's better than everybody else. Why-oh-why do I always get reactions from insufferable creatures?! *heavy sigh*

I have no idea who you are. I have no idea what I could have done to illicit some bad vibes from you. But I will answer you because I feel compelled to educate your not-so-brilliant mind, if you have one that is, which I think you don't. But I digress.

Point 1. I have every right to broadcast my feelings on the net. It's a free world, ain't it? Really, you don't have to read my entries. Hell, don't read it at all and save me from your ka-chakahan. Puh-leez.

Point 2. Why not settle the score? WHAT fucking score are you talking about?! Oh, there's no score to settle with anyone. So let me ask you again, what freaking score is there to settle?

Point 3. Oh, I have game alright. Try me. I'll take you on anytime.

Resilience.

2006-03-30T14:13:00.000+08:00

When will loving ever not hurt?

Stupid question, I know, because it always will... at one point.

Cheesy as it is, heartache can sometimes destroy a part of you, something that you've nurtured and protected - not necessarily your heart - it could be your ego, your pride, a belief, your confidence, worse of all - your spirit. But after the misadventure you'll be surprised at your own resiliency. You appraise your condition, and find out you may be bruised but never broken.

Thank God, no permanent damage anywhere.

Evidently, I'm better now, smiling and making the hirits I'm known for inside my 'circle.' The first week, friends were eyeing me cautiously, making comments and then seeing if remarks and jokes would irritate me or spin me into a frenzy.

Which, of course, did not. And it worried them to no end.

One Saturday night in Sake Lab dear friend Luigi, seeing me stone-faced and quiet, hugged me to him, and kissed me on my brow.

"Anything you need, Rose, anything," he whispered gently.

I almost cried when I heard those words. It took all of my self-control not to utter his name, not to say he was all I needed. The pain resurfaced with a vengeance and I nearly went limp.

Now after a month, it somehow amazes me I'm still in one piece and still alive.

I still miss him at times I must admit but sleep comes easily now. My dreams are now filled with stories and color, no more dreamless sleep and tired wakings. Instead of dreading the weekend and waiting for 'something', I find myself travelling and losing myself in new pursuits. A day may pass by without thinking about him which is good I reckon.

I'm thankful to have met him, thankful I was given the opportunity to be with him, no matter what circumstances or arrangements we had then. I did find a man who exceeded my wants [not really my expectations come to think about it now] and it just means that my wants (in a man) are attainable.

There is still hope.

He became a part of my life. Another closed cycle. Maybe I'll look back on this episode and find myself smiling.

Maybe =)

And so, I wait.

2006-03-26T00:20:00.000+08:00

Yes, it's a Saturday night (well, officially it is Sunday) and, I am at home. My brother actually asked me if I wasn't going out... and he asked me this as if I was sick. Hehe.

It's one of those Saturday nights which I'd like to spend inside the confines of my room, reading a good book. I had to satiate my need for some quiet time.

While looking for a good book find in last year's Powerbooks Warehouse Sale, I chanced upon Eragon, Book One by Christopher Paolini. Oh, I've seen it before on one of my travails to NBS but my heart wasn't really set on purchasing it. I loved the cover though, and the dragon, well, all things mythological and legend hold a special place in my heart. But on those travails, I had other books I wanted to buy and read. So the Shopaholic series and The Life of Pi by Yann Martel had me pre-occupied.

So on that sweltering afternoon in the Powerbooks sale, when I stumbled upon Eragon and saw the blue dragon giving me a piercing look, I had it in the crook of my arm in a heartbeat.

Such, is my life.

Last week, I was on my way to the grocery, as my supply of junk food and what-nots has depleted. I passed 'a different bookstore' in Rustan's and I noticed they were having a sale! Bookworm that I am, I had to enter and revel in the magic of getting a book. When I left 15 minutes later I had The Devil Wears Prada and, yes, Eldest, Book Two .

Hey, at 30% less, it wasn't bad.

And now, after re-reading Eragon for the past 2 days, and finishing Eldest a few minutes ago, I have nothing to do.

I never knew it was a trilogy. I just had an inkling, that a Book Three was in the offing, a good 10 pages before I finished Book Two.

I read the books without any prior knowledge about the story, only what it has on the back cover. I even didn't want to search on the net. I did not want reviews, rants and raves to obscure or influence my mind as I started embarking on Eragon's quest. I tend to do that with books that catch my fancy. Nothing to influence the pleasure of my reading.

Now, nothing to do.

Ah, yes. Wait for Book Three, I fear.

Argh.

Panic Attack.

2006-03-18T11:25:00.000+08:00

I had a chocolate-anxiety attack earlier. AS IN. I was trembling all over and sort of breaking into a sweat even though my air conditioner was turned on full blast.

I was doing some reports for work when I suddenly thought about chocolates.

CHOCOLATES.

I began to fantasize about those deep-dark-creamy ones with a melt-in-your-mouth sweetness; which when you pop one in your mouth, it just makes you want to lean back in your armchair and close your eyes, and just savor the velvety texture... damn.

I immediately stood up from my work and did my wild search. I rummaged through my bags, I checked our family room fridge, I checked our kitchen fridge, I checked the pantry, I checked my brother's fridge,

AND NO CHOCOLATE.

NO. GUDAM. CHOCOLATE.

Dammit.

I wanted a chocoloate so bad I wanted to cry.

I know I'm not making any sense. At all.

Yeah. I'm crazy like that.

Tagged. Part II.

2006-03-10T10:59:00.000+08:00

So I was tagged by j a and anne. Geez, took me a long time to actually do it.

*sigh*

TEN men you find sexy:

* Harrison Ford
* Eric Cruz (oh my gawd...)
* Joseph Laping (putcha... garapalan na 'to - haha!)
* Phil Abenoja *himatay* (haha! Talagang nilagay yung pangalan niya! Kerry, alam kong tumatawa ka ngayon!)
* Will Smith
* George Clooney
* Eric Bana
* Orlando Bloom (i'ma make him wear those elven ears and his blonde wig... damn. ulam na ulam... ang sarap siguro nun. *peste*)
* John Hall
* and this other guy who shall forever be nameless...

NINE people you would invite to a special party:

* Jason Mraz
* Alicia Keys
* Bono
* Professor Dumbledore
* Fred and George Weasly
* Pol Medina Jr.
* F. Sionil Jose
* Jessica Zafra

EIGHT sure fire ways to get your attention (positive and negative):

* kids and babies
* puppies and kittens
* good writing
* a meaningful *ahem* smile
* good grooves
* good music
* nice broad shoulders
* witty remarks

SEVEN pet peeves

* liars
* boys who pretend they have turned into men
* toothaches
* egotistic people who can't handle flattery well
* people who are childish (not child-like ah, there's a difference...)
* user-friendly people
* overbearing and overconfident attitude
* having my monthly ovulation when I'm at the beach or when I want some (yun ang bad trip sobra...)

SIX women you look up to

* my Mom
* my Lola Necy
* Che Che Lazaro
* Sister Nicole, spc
* my atsi
* Susan Sarandon

FIVE random things about you

* pug-wanter
* cook-er
* wavecatcher
* all-nighter
* groove-maker

FOUR most romantic songs (music)

* I Didnt Know I Was Looking... by EBTG
* Baby Can I Hold You by Tracy Chapman
* Now That I've Found You by Allison Krauss
* The Way You Look Tonight by Michael Bublé

THREE places you want to take a vacation in

* Brazil
* Italy
* The Carribean

TWO turn ons

* intellectually-stimulating yet funny
* good with his hands

ONE unforgettable moment

* Aw, hell. The night before my daddy passed away. Yun.

Hmm. Am i tagging anyone? Has to be 5, eh?

Krissy
Kerry
Aiah
Sherwin
jean_grey

Twisted Sunshine. No more.

2006-03-04T11:57:00.000+08:00

I'm lost in a sea of familiar emotions and pent-up feelings. Once again, Fate saw it fit to bring me to pain. Offering me a delicious platter of satisfying viand, only to snatch it away once my fingers were in reach for the taking.

I keep on walking with no destination in mind.

Blurred faces. Slow-motion world.

My mind races with images of skin against skin, lips against skin, my long hair tickling every inch of his chest.

I cringe. I stumble.

I stop and sit on the pavement with my palms up on my lap. My head bows, heavy with the memories of lust, of want, of longing. In the dark recesses of my mind I hear conversations and see typed words.

Oh, how memories and moments resurface with the pain.

My cheeks twitch, my lips tremble, my eyes begin to burn. Then I start to cry. I let the first tear fall. I do not attempt to wipe it away. I let it trickle down my cheek, down to my neck to my breast. The second tear comes, then a third... then comes the torrent of hurt and love and loss. I do not stop. I feel comfort in my damp face.

It has begun, the cleansing ritual I yearn.

I then feel cold drops of water on my open palm, and then another. My bare shoulders feel the dampness in the wind.

It begins to drizzle. I accept it by turning my face up to the sky.

I feel cold drops from heaven mingle with the hot tears my eyes has released.

It's raining now.

And I realize, this is how we started, in a middle of a storm.

And so this is how it also ends.

It's done.

2006-02-26T14:25:00.000+08:00

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

Down and out.

2006-02-17T11:30:00.000+08:00

When I got home from work today I went straight to my room, locked the door and laid on my bed, not bothering to change clothes or take off my thick boot socks. I laid there, staring at the ceiling, my room full of light from the window.

I felt tired. I felt... lost.

I felt cold, too. Dazed, I looked up at my air conditioner and found it be on. Weird. I don't remember turning it on.

My head hurt.

I sat up and grabbed my fleece blanket from the end of the bed and curled myself up underneath it. I snatched my teddy bears from their pedestal at the top of my bed and hugged them to me.

Usually hugging them bears would comfort me, lull me to sleep, or better yet help me vent whatever frustration I had. But it was different this morning.

There were no tears. None at all. It worries me because I used to cry a lot. Crying gives me the release I need. Somehow it lessens the pain and clears my head. A cleansing ritual if you may.

And now, the tears don't come at all.

It's scary because all I feel is the pain but I can't let it out. My throat tightens when I feel the urge to spill the beans to people I trust.

Numb, I am.

Lost, too.

And tired.

So tired of waiting for you. Of wanting you.

Of missing you.

To borrow a line from AJ, you are my favorite mistake.

Raggedy.

2006-02-07T23:23:00.000+08:00

I could've sworn I set my phone to alarm at 8:30pm.

But as luck would have it, when I woke up at 9:59pm, it seems that I set my phone to alarm at paking 8:30 AM.

And my shift starts at 11pm.

Go figure.

*sigh*

Peaked.

2006-01-27T12:42:00.000+08:00

Been there. Done that.

If you can relate to this entry... isa lang masasabi ko.... adik!

*******************

I stumbled out of the cabana as fast as I could. I simply needed air. And space. Lots of it.

When I reached the porch, I held on to the banister as I tried to pull myself together.

Fuck! This was not a good idea!

Fuck! It wasn't supposed to feel this way!

My head was pounding and I felt my stomach lurch as the alcohol took its toll. I couldn't see straight.

It's not even an hour yet!

I closed my eyes, and I tried to relax. I took long deep breaths, trying to make sure I had enough air circulating in my lungs and in my veins.

After 2 minutes I could feel the tension dissipating from my arms, my back.

I was feeling better with every breath.

When I felt steady, I straightened myself and took stock of my surroundings. There was a steady wind, and I could taste the salt in the air. I gingerly took a few steps toward the stairs that led to the darkness and the beach in front of me. I took the first step.

Okay, still standing. 2 more.

Once I felt the sand underneath my feet, I was on steady ground.

I walked a few paces until I came to a coconut tree. I leaned onto it with my arm. Then I saw the full moon. I wondered why I didn't see it earlier when I was in the porch, and then I realized that the coconut tree was blocking the view and the light.

I saw a star... and another... and another... then another... each star I saw was brighter than the first one!

Woooow. 'stig.

Couldn't look down. All I saw were stars and lights.

It was a clear night. Good for peaking.

And that was what I was... peaked.

Of lists.

2006-01-23T13:30:00.000+08:00

January is ending in the next few days and I haven't posted this list, a thank-you list, I made in December.

I'm making time to remember and appreciate...

- for my nephews and niece: they are my 'joie de vivre.' They keep me on my toes every-freaking-day! They give me heart palpitations and menacing headaches but they never NEVER fail to make me smile with their antics and butterfly kisses; for making me laugh at the most opportune time and giving me the best hugs;

- for my mom, for making me feel loved and special any time of the day; my kuya and my ate, for always looking out for me even if I'm old enough to live on my own...

- for JM remote desktop... er, will not elaborate... hehe...

- Starbucks' Double White Chocolate Mocha for keeping me awake for my almost-a-year 12mn to 9am shift...

- for all those sushi days and nights...

- for my best friend Raffy (and the rest of our friends), for never judging me, for being there when I feel the pangs of loneliness creep under my bedroom door; for being my comfort zone and sumbungan when things don't go my way; for celebrating with me and gently patting me on the back when I succeed...

- for Meiji's Dark Chocolate bar

- for Yakisoba's Spicy Chicken

- for cute cats and kittens

- for birthdays and anniversaries

- for the thought I can still be loved and desired.

I have so many things to thank for and I'm sure this entry will not be enough to list them all down.

No -- no wishes, no resolutions. Whatever 2006 has to offer me...

I'm taking it all in.

Manny... wins!

2006-01-22T13:58:00.000+08:00

Mabuhay ka, Manny Pacquiao!

Awesome 10 rounds, Pacman!

Woohoo!

Beyond Repair.

2006-01-13T14:16:00.000+08:00

It's funny: I finally met a guy who exceeds all of my expectations and wants in a man. BUT he's not mine.

And I think he doesn't want to be.

It's funny.

And it's sick.

AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME.

Ugh.

Twisted Sunshine. Part III.

2005-12-31T02:58:00.000+08:00

I just had to give in only to be left disappointed. Again.

Taaaaangina.

Somebody... anybody, please, hit me hard.

Tanginaaaaaa.

Tsong, nagkamali ka ng panahon para bitinin ako.

Tangina talaga.

Ayaw mo pa kasi ako diretsuhin eh. Napahiya pa ako.

Leche.

I'm so pissed with you that I wish you never get laid this 2006. No, I take that back. I hope you do get laid but you never get an abso-fucking-lutely good one.

I suggest you handle your ego with care and then shove it up your farking arse.

Grrrrr.

I still love you but I sooo hate you right now, you SOB.

Yeah, I said I won't write about you in my blog.

I lied.

And I'm sure, I am so damn sure, na you have no friggin' idea that I'm talking about you.

Flagged.

2005-12-28T02:28:00.000+08:00

Once a month, I turn into this 2-eyed bitchy-as-hell monster who tries to bite everyone's head off for turning the tv volume too loud, or for waking me up too early,

It's the time of month when I wish I was born a man.

Do not mess with me for the next 3 days.

I'm irritable.

I am fury herself.

So keep your mouth shut and your nasty opinions to yourself.

What I need are hugs. Lots of it.

Late.

2005-12-26T14:17:00.000+08:00

I know, late greeting. But what the fuck?

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

Tagged.

2005-12-15T13:23:00.000+08:00

I was tagged by patty. Haha. Pathetic that I have been so remiss in going through my usual blog-rounds. I've been making myself real busy I've forgotten to visit my usual reads.

Anyway...

10 years ago

I was in my sophomore year in DLSU-CSB. Having the time of my life.

Completed the mandatory 'Community Service Program' with Gen, RJ, Tess, and Chee at 'Kuya Drop-In' Center. Rewarding experience.

5 years ago

Around this date, 5 years ago, I received a call from the DLSU-Graduate School of Business office informing that I have until February 2001 to enroll for my MBA. If I don't enroll, then I'd have to take the exam again if I wish to pursue my MBA. Issues from my gov't work got in the way. Sad.

A year ago

Just broke up with someone THEN met someone who would eventually break my heart.

Yesterday

I promised Kizzy I would fill her Starbucks card for her (for the Starbucks planner). I'm done with mine, and I've helped Leslie get hers, so I offered to help Kizzy out. By the end of the year the whole SBU QA Team will have each a Starbucks planner. Haha.

Went to Rustan's to buy godson Basti a gift. Planning to get the stroller but since I had no car yesterday, it wasn't meant to be. Hehe. Will pick up stroller in Shang Rustan's instead this Saturday when I bring my nephews to Kumon.

Tomorrow

Was supposed to be on-leave to go surfing with sis Mayette in La Union, but I have Training tomorrow, as luck would have it, and I need that training. Argh.

Going to the 14th floor Bazaar to buy gift stuffs and my lotion and fragrance instead of buying it in Greenhills.

Will order the chocolate giveaways from Cha Ems.

Today

I'm sick. I'm tired.

Did my reports. How I love Excel *gigil*

Not tagging anyone. But you can try to reminisce....

Hehe.

Invisible.

2005-12-05T16:51:00.000+08:00

As the weekend passed, I made a bargain with myself and it has now come to this:

I miss you so much but I don't think you miss me too.

I want to be with you. What hurts is the thought [that] you don't want to be with me.

I hate it when you ignore me and act as if I don't exist.

I'm invisible to you.

I think I'm finally realizing how much I really do like you *gulp* and I think it's too late for me to do anything about it.

I believe this is the best time to say good-bye to you, my twisted sunshine.

You will be always be someone special to me and I hope you find that perfect woman you're looking for.

I hope she'll love you as much as I'm doing now.

And if you do find her, I only wish you'll love her in return.

*********************

Yes, my dramatic-life-mode has been on again for quite some time. *sigh* Throwing myself at work with a passion people have difficulty understanding.

Steady lang.

I've bought my new phone, the Samsung e530. I was craving for the green one to match my iPod but I only had a choice of blue, pink, and orange. Girl as I am, I got the pink. Hah! Also, I've been promoted from QAA3 to QA01 [which gives me the opportunity to handle my own team in the next couple of months]. 6 months worth of hard dirty work. Alvin told me the stress was showing in my shoulders. And in the way I hold my stare. Oh dear, it's that obvious, huh? And I thought I was handling things just fine.

Crap.

Saturday afternoon was spent catching up on much-needed sleep. Got home from a post-shift meeting around 1pm, slept at 5pm and consequently woke up at 7am Sunday. I loved it! Hehe. I only got up once, around 4am, when Mayette called to say Say has been evicted from the PBB house and that they were on their way to Rembrandt Hotel to see her.

Happy and excited that I was for Say, I had to decline. I called Say just to catch up on things and to make her promise to go out with us soon. She sounded dazed somewhat, most probably with everything. Also got a text from Bianca asking where I was and that they were already in Jaipur.

Crap, crap.

Anyway, I woke up feeling energized. Cleaned my room, ran my errands. By 4pm I was bored. It was my barkada's Sunday night movie date but Alvin texted me the plan was just to chill in Bryan's house and watch some of his newly-bought dvds, and I should just come over anytime.

Went to mass first then went to Kamagong after. I brought some junk food with me so we had things to munch on during the 'dibidi' marathon. Hehe. Had some pizza delivered. Watched 40-Year Old Virgin, Deuce Bigalow 2, The Island.

As always, had an awesome time laughing my ass off with their hirits.

Went home at around 5am, smiling.

Thank God for friends who know the truth.

No regrets.

2005-11-27T15:20:00.000+08:00

Earlier today, a classmate of mine from Maestro Ryan Cayabyab's school of music and I met up. We haven't seen each other for awhile so we had a lot of things to catch up on. When she found out that my long-term relationship has gone kaput, I thought she was going to cry. She then asked - no -- she demanded how was I able to sustain a 6-year relationship? I was actually silent for, like, 10 seconds. She laughed out loud at my silence, cursing me that it was in bad taste I had to think. She and her man have just been together for 3 months and, like any new couple, would like to 'spend the rest of our lives together.'

Was it that easy for the both of us to just part ways and live individually? Hell, no. It's never easy. My nephews would always look for him, always asking if Tito will bring food or new games for the PS. My mom, during the first few weeks, would often slip and ask/tell me things: if he was still sleeping wake him up para mag-almusal; baka ma-late sa work; what time darating for dinner; pupunta ba for lunch...

Repeat after me: It's never easy.

Did we see it coming: to last this long only to break up? No. I've always thought that he would be the man I would marry. The man who would be the father of my children. I still remember a night, two or three years ago, before going to sleep, I told him I missed my period. He immediately had a big grin on his face then he asked me, 'When do we announce it? Nasaan yung phone ko...' His disappointment was evident when my period came 3 days later.

I loved him more after that.

She asked me, 'How can you let go of a 6-year old relationship?' Paano nga ba? Hehe. It was not easy. We tried really hard to make it work. But neither of us was growing. And growth in a relationship, well, you get the picture.

We grew apart. We talked about it, and he did accept his faults. I admitted my own faults as well. He cried. I cried. He wanted to hold on to what was left. I was torn between getting what I truly deserved and hanging on to what was left of a once-passion-laden, fiery-manic-driven 6-year love affair.

He took me for granted; I was tired of making him realize that.
He was contented with his life: laid-back and no worries. I am ambitious and I crave for challenges.
He wanted to stay behind me; I needed him to be beside me. It was my desire that if I was on my way up, so was he. With me.

But no regrets.

6 years was spent loving and caring for a wonderful man who devoted his whole being to loving me and caring for me. I was blessed to have met a man who was able to accept all of me. I consider myself lucky, until now, that I was loved completely by a man so gentle and kind. He took care of me when I found myself sick in my bed or ill at the hospital. He stood by and with me through the tougher times.

Cried with me, played with me, held my hand, made me smile.

Most importantly, he showed me a glimpse of what kind of woman I can become.

Eventhough we have parted ways, and have hurt each other without knowing it, 6 years is still 6 years. And was it some kind of ride.

I despise the circumstance of why we had to end it but there are things that you simply cannot change.

Ranting away...

2005-11-16T00:42:00.000+08:00

It's 11:30 pm and I just arrived in the office.

And I'm... I don't know... tired.

Tired and frustrated.

Yeah, my ass is too lazy to do any kind of work. I haven't read any of my emails or opened any of my rating templates.

Shit. I just want to file a month-long vacation and leave this gudamn place.

Let me tell you why the fuck I'm ranting away:

1. The program which I've been in since I started here has been reduced to 30 reps. To think Nitro was the biggest program (in SBU) then with almost 300 agents. We were around, oh, 12-14 QAs then. And now Nitro OB has one. Nitro IB has me. My other team mates have been displaced to other BUs (business units). I've been missing them ever since.

2. Kit is resigning to help out in their family business. I know, I know. I'm not mad at her. Kit has been very patient with me, very understanding of my bitchy ways. Sobrang bait. I'm just feeling a little apprehensive because I'll be under a new team, a new team leader. I'll be starting all over. She's been turning over some papers and responsibilities to my soon-to-be TL, Chiqui, who I know to be very responsible and smart. I'm just... I have no idea what I feel. I don't like change too much... pathetic? I know, I thrive under pressure but change, I don't like.

3. Yesterday, everybody was excited because it was payday. I was, too. Anyway, on my way home, I passed by iBank to check on my account... and was I surprised? The hell, I was. I only received half of what I usually get! Puta talaga! Gusto ko talagang umiyak. And to think wala akong absence, wala akong late, because I've been working really hard for my promotion. Where is my night diff? Where is my transpo allowance?! Tangina. Putangina. Huwag nilang ipagmalaki sa akin na we are in the best company to work for... tigilan nila ako. Ayusin nila sweldo ko. Hayup talaga. Give me the fuckin' quarterly survey, please. I'm giving them a call later on in the morning. Umayos sila ah.

Leche.

Now, I'm just browsing, and it's almost an hour into my shift. Nakakawalang-gana magtrabaho. Pumasok ka ng tama, hindi ka naman binayaran ng tama.

This has got to be a milestone if I get through this day without biting someone's head off.

******Update on Rant #3: It's already 2:14 pm and I just got home some 30 mins ago fixing my salary issue...

I was able to speak with Joycie from our Comp and Ben dept. There were discrepancies in my uploaded schedule (in the attendance software we use) and so - the deductions. She was very helpful and kind enough to listen to me rant away. She responded appropriately and in a timely manner. I really didn't appreciate the long hold time when she was checking something out, but I understand that she better had answers when she came back on the phone. She viewed her record of my payslip which said I had 7 absences *himatay* when in fact I had none and just had 2 VLs. She was genuinely baffled. She asked me to file some online form and send to her another form in hard copy so she would handle the case herself.

The TL of the Comp and Ben team, Ms. Joyce, was also in CC2 and I was able to speak with her as well. She really didn't say/explain anything which I haven't heard from Joyie. But she was very helpful and answered all of my questions. She even went out of her way to check my uploaded schedule in the software for the next payday, making sure my time-in and time-out were in the correct places.

Now, all I have to do is wait for the pay-out. I have bills to pay, y'know.

Whew. Whatta day.

Harry Potter, please save my day.