Friday, September 09, 2005

Am I Not Worthy?

Just earlier, I was re-reading my old entries. I was going through each and every post and the comments as well. Then I came upon my Stuck in a Moment entry and I was struck, again, as the first time I read it, by lei's comment.

"one woman's story is every woman's story talaga. half hoping he'd text, half wishing he'd stop and free you, knowing he's not for you, knowing there are other women, knowing he's not interested, thinking you can walk away unscathed because after all you know the game, you decide in the game, you make your own game, you get the game. but ninety-nine percent of the time, the game gets you." - lei

How true is that?!

I'm confused. Totally, utterly confused. My feelings are all mixed up now. Sometimes, my brain goes through this chaotic-theorising-and-analyzing-mode that by the time it finishes processing the data, it's more jumbled up than when it started.

Maybe I'm just disappointed. Maybe I just fell. Hard.

It hurts knowing I'm the only one who feels this way. If he doesn't see my worth now, kailan pa?

Dammit. I knew it. I fucking knew it.

Ayoko na ng laro. AYOKO. NA. NG. LARO.
Utang na loob.

Please, Lord, let there be light.
I don't want to be blind in the dark...
Anymore.

20 comments:

Quentin said...

teka lalayo muna ako. parang gusto mong mang-away e, hahaha

funny this game no? it's one of those where you lose if you don't play it.

if this all causes you some debilitating braind disease for all that thinking, you can always take a gentle step back, and realize that somewhere, somehow ... sa bukid may carabao ... este, that you still fare better than most in the same situation and it happens to the best of us.

heck, i'm still pestering one in her friendster right now ...

ok she's not answering, lol

siyerwin said...

hmm. tired of the game, eh? aren't we all? but take consolation in the fact that you're not the only one who's ever felt this way. heartbreaks, pain, depression has been replicated billions of times through the ages. most survive.

just keep on beaching yourself and you'll be fine :)

mell ditangco (this is my pseudonym) said...

:) hi rose, been so busy with the baby, after work I baby sit! So tough to blog when you baby sit! :)

thats the thing though, it should not be a game.

just keep still, allow yourself to feel disappointed, but don't wallow in it either.

all these situations and feelings is the spice of life.

take it in stride! :)

Mr Pogi said...

everyone has to play the game my dear...just be wise about it!...whatever the outcome is, you bet you'll learn from it....i think it's always a win-win situation...though we get hurt sometimes.

... beachfreak said...

@quentino: Yeah, I know my situation is still better than others because I'm still alive and kicking. =) And I know that this, too, shall pass. Like so many before it.

Maybe it's just frustration that's playing me right now.

And I've taken a step back and I've assessed the chaos. I've surmised that the 'step back' will remain a step away from him.

@siyerwin: The beach has always been my refuge. I find solace in just looking out to sea, dreaming. It soothes me like no other. Well, except for my mom ;) I know I'm not alone, but when it happens, you feel like the only being who's going through it...

Thank God for friends who never judge me and are always ready with sharp, insightful, sometimes hurtful (but true) words of wisdom.

@ahia mell: I know you've been busy with fatherhood and I'm happy for you and your wife and little Colin =)

Don't worry, I won't wallow in the disappointment and hurt. I know that this is something I have to go through. And go through it I will.

And I'll be a better person, a woman rather, because of this.

@mr pogi: Yeah, I agree it's a win-win situation...in time, not necessarily on the onset. And yes, everyone has to play the game; some people just suck at it. And I'm not talking about myself. Hehe.

red_door8 said...

that's how life goes
someone gets gamed
well.. just don't invest emotions if you think it's just a game. :)

aajao said...

the love GAME is indeed tiring. and it's frustrating.

Quentin said...

what was that song?

.. i fall too fast
i feel too much

baby you might have
some advice to give
on how to be
insensitive :}

... beachfreak said...

@red_door8: You know, Karla, that was my fault. But I didn't think it was wrong to care for him.

This is Karma. I was too much of a player when I was younger. *sigh*

@aajao: Too frustrating I tell you. Hehe. :p

@quentin: He's not insentive (or are we talking about me? Haha!). He just doesn't see me the way I need him to see me. But yes, sana naging insensitive na lang ako.

Anonymous said...

*hugs*

it IS frustrating, isn't it? you see all these people around you and falling in love seems to be so easy for them, whereas we have to go through all these weird situations.

'yaan mo, he'll come to his senses soon enough. OR maybe somebody better will come along.

- k with the sweet tooth (tamad maglog-in)

Quentin said...

should i sing some more angst/rant-inducing songs? lol

... beachfreak said...

@cupcake: Hehe, yeah, parang ako lang yung dumadaan sa ganito. weird. =) jason Brooks pala yung layout mo. Nice.

@quentino: More! More! hehe.

... beachfreak said...

Hmm... anybody else having issues with the comment box...

thess said...

i guess napapagod din ang puso (d lang isip) pag may halong laro...

hayy ang baduy ng intro ko :p

hope you'll have a good weekend, rose!

... beachfreak said...

@thess: Hehe. But, yeah, pareho na silang pagod. I'm still in the rut though, and I don't know if I should tell him what I feel and risk losing what little of him I already have, or just stay in it...

I hope I have good one too.

Thanks, thess! :D

barenaked said...

wahhhhh, ako din pagod na...yoko na ng laro...but then again, depende kung sino yung gustong makipaglaro, madali naman akong kausap eh, nyahaha! :P

... beachfreak said...

@jill: Bwahaha! Hayup ka talaga sa hirit! But it's true 'no. Hay. The Game. Freak.

eventuallypretty said...

you'll see the light sis! promise. dadala ako ng flashlight. :) and a cute guy. ;)

... beachfreak said...

@patty: Please, please. And, oh, don't forget the cute guy ;) Heh.

Anonymous said...

Let's keep it G RATED !!!!
Damnation is a real thing it's hell and eternal seperation form Christ!!!