Stupid question, I know, because it always will... at one point.
Cheesy as it is, heartache can sometimes destroy a part of you, something that you've nurtured and protected - not necessarily your heart - it could be your ego, your pride, a belief, your confidence, worse of all - your spirit. But after the misadventure you'll be surprised at your own resiliency. You appraise your condition, and find out you may be bruised but never broken.
Thank God, no permanent damage anywhere.
Evidently, I'm better now, smiling and making the hirits I'm known for inside my 'circle.' The first week, friends were eyeing me cautiously, making comments and then seeing if remarks and jokes would irritate me or spin me into a frenzy.
Which, of course, did not. And it worried them to no end.
One Saturday night in Sake Lab dear friend Luigi, seeing me stone-faced and quiet, hugged me to him, and kissed me on my brow.
"Anything you need, Rose, anything," he whispered gently.
I almost cried when I heard those words. It took all of my self-control not to utter his name, not to say he was all I needed. The pain resurfaced with a vengeance and I nearly went limp.
Now after a month, it somehow amazes me I'm still in one piece and still alive.
I still miss him at times I must admit but sleep comes easily now. My dreams are now filled with stories and color, no more dreamless sleep and tired wakings. Instead of dreading the weekend and waiting for 'something', I find myself travelling and losing myself in new pursuits. A day may pass by without thinking about him which is good I reckon.
I'm thankful to have met him, thankful I was given the opportunity to be with him, no matter what circumstances or arrangements we had then. I did find a man who exceeded my wants [not really my expectations come to think about it now] and it just means that my wants (in a man) are attainable.
There is still hope.
He became a part of my life. Another closed cycle. Maybe I'll look back on this episode and find myself smiling.