Friday, January 27, 2006


Been there. Done that.

If you can relate to this entry... isa lang masasabi ko.... adik!


I stumbled out of the cabana as fast as I could. I simply needed air. And space. Lots of it.

When I reached the porch, I held on to the banister as I tried to pull myself together.

Fuck! This was not a good idea!

Fuck! It wasn't supposed to feel this way!

My head was pounding and I felt my stomach lurch as the alcohol took its toll. I couldn't see straight.

It's not even an hour yet!

I closed my eyes, and I tried to relax. I took long deep breaths, trying to make sure I had enough air circulating in my lungs and in my veins.

After 2 minutes I could feel the tension dissipating from my arms, my back.

I was feeling better with every breath.

When I felt steady, I straightened myself and took stock of my surroundings. There was a steady wind, and I could taste the salt in the air. I gingerly took a few steps toward the stairs that led to the darkness and the beach in front of me. I took the first step.

Okay, still standing. 2 more.

Once I felt the sand underneath my feet, I was on steady ground.

I walked a few paces until I came to a coconut tree. I leaned onto it with my arm. Then I saw the full moon. I wondered why I didn't see it earlier when I was in the porch, and then I realized that the coconut tree was blocking the view and the light.

I saw a star... and another... and another... then another... each star I saw was brighter than the first one!

Woooow. 'stig.

Couldn't look down. All I saw were stars and lights.

It was a clear night. Good for peaking.

And that was what I was... peaked

Monday, January 23, 2006

Of lists.

January is ending in the next few days and I haven't posted this list, a thank-you list, I made in December.

I'm making time to remember and appreciate...

- for my nephews and niece: they are my 'joie de vivre.' They keep me on my toes every-freaking-day! They give me heart palpitations and menacing headaches but they never NEVER fail to make me smile with their antics and butterfly kisses; for making me laugh at the most opportune time and giving me the best hugs;

- for my mom, for making me feel loved and special any time of the day; my kuya and my ate, for always looking out for me even if I'm old enough to live on my own...

- for JM remote desktop... er, will not elaborate... hehe...

- Starbucks' Double White Chocolate Mocha for keeping me awake for my almost-a-year 12mn to 9am shift...

- for all those sushi days and nights...

- for my best friend Raffy (and the rest of our friends), for never judging me, for being there when I feel the pangs of loneliness creep under my bedroom door; for being my comfort zone and sumbungan when things don't go my way; for celebrating with me and gently patting me on the back when I succeed...

- for Meiji's Dark Chocolate bar

- for Yakisoba's Spicy Chicken

- for cute cats and kittens

- for birthdays and anniversaries

- for the thought I can still be loved and desired.

I have so many things to thank for and I'm sure this entry will not be enough to list them all down.

No -- no wishes, no resolutions. Whatever 2006 has to offer me...

I'm taking it all in.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Friday, January 13, 2006

Beyond Repair.

It's funny: I finally met a guy who exceeds all of my expectations and wants in a man. BUT he's not mine.

And I think he doesn't want to be.

It's funny.

And it's sick.