Sunday, November 27, 2005

No regrets.

Earlier today, a classmate of mine from Maestro Ryan Cayabyab's school of music and I met up. We haven't seen each other for awhile so we had a lot of things to catch up on. When she found out that my long-term relationship has gone kaput, I thought she was going to cry. She then asked - no -- she demanded how was I able to sustain a 6-year relationship? I was actually silent for, like, 10 seconds. She laughed out loud at my silence, cursing me that it was in bad taste I had to think. She and her man have just been together for 3 months and, like any new couple, would like to 'spend the rest of our lives together.'

Was it that easy for the both of us to just part ways and live individually? Hell, no. It's never easy. My nephews would always look for him, always asking if Tito will bring food or new games for the PS. My mom, during the first few weeks, would often slip and ask/tell me things: if he was still sleeping wake him up para mag-almusal; baka ma-late sa work; what time darating for dinner; pupunta ba for lunch...

Repeat after me: It's never easy.
Did we see it coming: to last this long only to break up? No. I've always thought that he would be the man I would marry. The man who would be the father of my children. I still remember a night, two or three years ago, before going to sleep, I told him I missed my period. He immediately had a big grin on his face then he asked me, 'When do we announce it? Nasaan yung phone ko...' His disappointment was evident when my period came 3 days later.

I loved him more after that.

She asked me, 'How can you let go of a 6-year old relationship?' Paano nga ba? Hehe. It was not easy. We tried really hard to make it work. But neither of us was growing. And growth in a relationship, well, you get the picture.

We grew apart. We talked about it, and he did accept his faults. I admitted my own faults as well. He cried. I cried. He wanted to hold on to what was left. I was torn between getting what I truly deserved and hanging on to what was left of a once-passion-laden, fiery-manic-driven 6-year love affair.
He took me for granted; I was tired of making him realize that.
He was contented with his life: laid-back and no worries. I am ambitious and I crave for challenges.
He wanted to stay behind me; I needed him to be beside me. It was my desire that if I was on my way up, so was he. With me.

But no regrets.

6 years was spent loving and caring for a wonderful man who devoted his whole being to loving me and caring for me. I was blessed to have met a man who was able to accept all of me. I consider myself lucky, until now, that I was loved completely by a man so gentle and kind. He took care of me when I found myself sick in my bed or ill at the hospital. He stood by and with me through the tougher times.

Cried with me, played with me, held my hand, made me smile.

Most importantly, he showed me a glimpse of what kind of woman I can become.

Eventhough we have parted ways, and have hurt each other without knowing it, 6 years is still 6 years. And was it some kind of ride.

I despise the circumstance of why we had to end it but there are things that you simply cannot change.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Ranting away...

It's 11:30 pm and I just arrived in the office.

And I'm... I don't know... tired.

Tired and frustrated.

Yeah, my ass is too lazy to do any kind of work. I haven't read any of my emails or opened any of my rating templates.

Shit. I just want to file a month-long vacation and leave this gudamn place.

Let me tell you why the fuck I'm ranting away:

1. The program which I've been in since I started here has been reduced to 30 reps. To think Nitro was the biggest program (in SBU) then with almost 300 agents. We were around, oh, 12-14 QAs then. And now Nitro OB has one. Nitro IB has me. My other team mates have been displaced to other BUs (business units). I've been missing them ever since.

2. Kit is resigning to help out in their family business. I know, I know. I'm not mad at her. Kit has been very patient with me, very understanding of my bitchy ways. Sobrang bait. I'm just feeling a little apprehensive because I'll be under a new team, a new team leader. I'll be starting all over. She's been turning over some papers and responsibilities to my soon-to-be TL, Chiqui, who I know to be very responsible and smart. I'm just... I have no idea what I feel. I don't like change too much... pathetic? I know, I thrive under pressure but change, I don't like.

3. Yesterday, everybody was excited because it was payday. I was, too. Anyway, on my way home, I passed by iBank to check on my account... and was I surprised? The hell, I was. I only received half of what I usually get! Puta talaga! Gusto ko talagang umiyak. And to think wala akong absence, wala akong late, because I've been working really hard for my promotion. Where is my night diff? Where is my transpo allowance?! Tangina. Putangina. Huwag nilang ipagmalaki sa akin na we are in the best company to work for... tigilan nila ako. Ayusin nila sweldo ko. Hayup talaga. Give me the fuckin' quarterly survey, please. I'm giving them a call later on in the morning. Umayos sila ah.


Now, I'm just browsing, and it's almost an hour into my shift. Nakakawalang-gana magtrabaho. Pumasok ka ng tama, hindi ka naman binayaran ng tama.

This has got to be a milestone if I get through this day without biting someone's head off.

******Update on Rant #3: It's already 2:14 pm and I just got home some 30 mins ago fixing my salary issue...

I was able to speak with Joycie from our Comp and Ben dept. There were discrepancies in my uploaded schedule (in the attendance software we use) and so - the deductions. She was very helpful and kind enough to listen to me rant away. She responded appropriately and in a timely manner. I really didn't appreciate the long hold time when she was checking something out, but I understand that she better had answers when she came back on the phone. She viewed her record of my payslip which said I had 7 absences *himatay* when in fact I had none and just had 2 VLs. She was genuinely baffled. She asked me to file some online form and send to her another form in hard copy so she would handle the case herself.

The TL of the Comp and Ben team, Ms. Joyce, was also in CC2 and I was able to speak with her as well. She really didn't say/explain anything which I haven't heard from Joyie. But she was very helpful and answered all of my questions. She even went out of her way to check my uploaded schedule in the software for the next payday, making sure my time-in and time-out were in the correct places.

Now, all I have to do is wait for the pay-out. I have bills to pay, y'know.

Whew. Whatta day.

Harry Potter, please save my day.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Group Hug.

Group Hug!

Yahoo! and MSN Messenger are going to be working together!

I cannot wait for this one.

I'm an MSN groupie, I must admit for the 2nd time in my blog. I wasn't really using my YM up until a good 2 years ago when friends noted I never went online through YM, and if I was I'd just be online for an hour then log-off. I had to explain I was working as a rep for an MSN account and I had to be very familiar with MSN Messenger so I could handle technical calls concerning the damn thing. AND since it was MSN-IATS, MSN Messenger was the only chatware we were allowed to install in our PC. MSN Messenger just grew on me.

Now I use MSN and Windows Messenger and YM.

Hay. Wala lang. Natuwa lang ako sobra. Hehe.

Will post something worthwhile soon... maybe later...


Thursday, November 03, 2005

Of Shots and Lost Causes.

J: (swallows the tequila with a grimace) You made a mistake. You made a wrong choice. Live with it. Masyado ka kasing passionate eh. Tsk. (pours me a shot) I-shot mo na yan.

Me: Ang dali ah. (looks at the tequila shot with disdain) You know, gusto ko lang i-share sa'yo; I read somewhere that anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of time. And that there are too many mediocre things in life to deal with BUT love shouldn't be one of them. How true is that, 'no? And I believe that, I do. That's what I've been doing: when I fall in love, I make sure it's mad, it's passionate, and it's extraordinary. (shoots the tequila and looks for a chaser that doesn't have scotch in it) Hindi naman mali yun, diba?

J: (Takes the shot I hand him and looks me in the eyes) No, it's not wrong. You just have to know when to stop loving, when to stop being passionate. (lick, shoots and sucks) And you don't have to explain yourself to me - kilala kita. And yes, that's how you are. (looks at empty Pareng Jose Cuervo) Pero naman, tangina, tigilan mo na yan. He doesn't see you the way you want him to see you. (peers down then reaches under the table and his hand pulls out an Asti Martini) It's a lost cause.

Me: ... lost cause... shoot, I think I'm gonna be sick... (gazes tentatively at the slammer J is conjuring)

J: And can I be brutal again --

Me: Oh, don't stop...

J: -- you don't live up to what he wants in a woman. (slams the drink hard, twice, and hands me the frothy concoction)

Me: Salamat ah. Kaibigan ka talaga... (shoots the gadem drink in a gulp)

J: (looks more serious than when he admitted to smoking weed in my car) Simulan mo. Say goodbye. The sooner, the better.

Me: Give me another shot. And don't skimp on the Asti.

J: (conjures another slammer, and before he slams the shot, he hesitates then looks at me straight in the eyes) And if you think another romp in bed will make him stay then you aren't the smart friend I used to have.


He slams the glass. But I don't hear it.

I drink the slammer but I don't taste it.

It's a lost cause.

That's all I hear. That's all I taste.

It's a lost cause.