Sunday, February 27, 2005

Closing Cycles.

I'd like to post here that Paolo Coelho did not write the original piece but only adapted it.

I came across this essay, as you may call it, in my email. I read through it once and knew that it was perfect. For me. I'm closing a cycle in my life. And I'm opening up a whole new chapter. A clean slate. Tabula Rasa.

I've come to realize long before that I have a life. And it is good.

Read on.

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end.

If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts - and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the "ideal moment." Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Click the link. Do it. Now.

C'mon. I know you want to.

Hell. Yes. I'm home on this Saturday night. I have a fever, now nearing 39. I am a little groggy... well, uhm... a tad bit more groggy than I want to be.

And I'm missing someone so bad. Argh. *praying that he does not see this...*

So here I am. Blogging away.

Dammit. I need a drink.

Oh, yeah. c'mon, click on the freaking link.

How To Dance Properly <--------

Friday, February 25, 2005

Black and White.

Honesty is something I owe myself.

Honesty implies a refusal to lie, steal, or deceive in any way.

Honesty is always a factor in any relationship I enter into. May it be friendship or something more deeper than that. I cannot tolerate people who shove lies at my face. No, I am not throwing stones at a glass house so to speak. I understand and I accept that I am not perfect, but I try to be honest when asked a question, when asked for an opinion on a certain issue. If I cannot utter the truth, I say so, then I state my reason. I've learned not to cover up lies with lies. It backfires. And believe me, it's gonna hurt when it hits you. Big time.

Being honest does not mean that you have to tell me everything. What I don't know will not hurt me, that's true. BUT, if I ask you to answer a question, I expect you to tell me the truth. You may sugar-coat it, you may sweet-talk your way through it, but, geez, please PLEASE tell me the truth. If you cannot tell me the truth, give me a good compelling reason why I should not hear it.

Why can't people understand that I can take it? I can handle the truth. Yes, I may falter, but I will survive.

Please. Be honest. Tell me the truth. If it will hurt me, if it will make me break down and cry, so be it.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Tama na.

How can I be so goddamn freaking stupid? I believed everything that was said to me. That was presented to me. And I fell for the whole shebang. Ano ako? Pam-practice for the real thing?

Ayoko ng masaktan. Ayoko ng mahulog. Sawang-sawa na ko bumangon. Tangina. Ilang beses ba kong kailangan masaktan para matapos natong kahirapan na to? Oo, naga-assume nako na meron pa rin siyang ibang mahal kasi gusto ko, pag-nalaman ko, handa ako. Oo, masama ang loob ko kasi hindi ko alam kung saan ako lulugar. Hindi ko alam ang gusto niya sa akin. Oo, umiiyak ako ngayon kasi nasasaktan ako, kasi sinungaling ka, tangina ka!

Sana maging bato na lang ang puso ko. Sana. Pero mukhang malapit na. Nararamdaman ko na ang paghigpit, ang pagtigas.

Simple lang naman ang gusto ko sa buhay eh. Mababaw lang ang kaligayahan ko.

Pagbigyan Mo naman ako.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Why on a Monday?

This was a really bad day. Sobrang frustrating. I had to see 2 friends cry because they were withdrawn from being QA's and then placing them back as agents. Imagine, being in a room full of your colleagues, and then your boss announces that some of you will have to go back on the floor to take calls. Pure tension and anxiety. He produces a piece of paper, and then says kung sino yung mga tatawagin niya pwede ng bumalik sa work nila and then the rest na maiiwan sa conference room, sila yung matatanggal. My name was the 3rd to be called. And when I heard it, hindi pako nakatayo agad. I had mixed emotions of relief and apprehension. Relief that I was being retained at my current position; apprehension because I wanted my whole team to be with me when I left the room.

I was sort of spaced-out (again) while waiting for my teammates to come out of the room. I went to the elevators to wait. When I saw Krissy crying, I knew already. Gracey and Karen's name were not called. I had to cry then and there. I just hugged Kris because I knew that she got scared and that we felt so lonely kasi nabawasan kami ng 2. When we got to the 14th floor, no one worked. I couldn't think straight myself. There was a ton of work to be done pero walang gumagalaw samin. We sort of dilly-dallied. I went to the lateral lockers to get something from my bag when I saw Grace come out of the elevator and she was crying. I ran to her and I just hugged her and cried with her. She kept on saying, 'Ma-miss ko kayo.' Nasaktan ako para sa kanya. I walked her to her station and everybody just started crying. She wasn't leaving us really because dun pa rin siya sa program pero agent nga lang. Pero kahit na. Sobrang na-demoralize kaming lahat with what happened to her. It was unfair. Karen naman, she just walked straight to her station, gathered up her things and then started clearing her table. We were just looking at her, not knowing what to say. She has just been with us for barely 3 weeks but she immediately blended right in. And now... I thought she was just going to leave us staring at her, but when she turned to me to say good-bye and for a beso, I knew she was hurting just as much as we were. All I could say was, 'I'm sorry.' Then she cried. Everybody started crying na naman. All of us were just hurt and bewildered with what has happened that 2pm.

It was just too much for me. I'm a very emotional person, and I guess I'm too sensitive; but nobody, nobody deserves to be treated that way. By 6pm, everybody was tired. Kitang-kita mo na sobrang naapektuhan kaming lahat sa nangyari na yun.

I was feeling extra bad pa because I'm confused with what I have gotten myself into. No, it's not about work. Just one those things that you have to got to go through. Hindi ko alam kung ako yung mali or I did or said something wrong. Bad trip na nga ko, mas lalo pakong na bad trip. Just when I thought everything was just smooth sailing. Punyeta.

I hate Mondays.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Of Stoplights and Passion.

These pics were taken during the Stoplight party in Eastwood a couple of Saturdays ago, err, I think January 29. Say and Matt are 2 of the hosts of the show which is being shown in Channel 23, 3:30pm every Sundays [*ahem* *ahem* plugging...plugging].

I know, hindi kami mahilig sa pictures. Haha! Mga sabik talaga. We were also, hmm, sort of interviewed for the show but I wasn't able to watch last Sunday because Mayette and I were in La Union for our surfing bonding weekend. Yikes, must've looked awful. Hehehehe. Oh, which reminds me, I'll be posting pics of that La Union weekend soon, just have to upload pics from my cam.

Anyway, I missed dancing with the pep girls. Graduate na kasi kami lahat so the only time we get to dance together is when we go to Dusk or any club. And the girls are great dancers so you can just imagine the chaos we bring to the dancefloor when we converge.

I don't really go out to drink, contrary to what people think (I've been moderately drinking for the past few years and I think the last time I got drunk was 2 years ago. But let's not go there. :) ) The truth is: I go out because I need to dance. I need to move.

Well, dancing has always been a refuge for me. As I say it's my salvation. I dance when I feel sad. I dance when I feel bad about something. I dance when I can't vent out my frustration over a feeling or an issue. I dance when I feel like crying. It clears my mind. It frees me of my inhibitions and I become my true self. The way I move and my choreography (if you've seen my routines) shows people who I really am: spontaneous, physical, assertive, passionate, self-assured, upbeat.

Yes, even when I'm alone, I dance. Most especially when I'm alone. And when I feel alone. When I'm dancing, that's the time I feel...natural. I am so in control.

Definitely, I'm at my best when I dance. I'm in my element.

I love dancing in front of a crowd. Always in my performance-level cheerleader smile, even when it's just practice. I remember the first NCAA halftime performance the CSB pep squad did. It was in Araneta Coliseum. Full-packed. Oh gawd. The sweat beads were growing bigger. But I absolutely loved it. Loved it. That's why when I was given the chance to perform again with the squad during my trainor days, I grabbed it. It was a DLSU vs CSB UAAP-NCAA Bantay Bato Champions game. Since both schools would perform same cheers, we held a meeting with the DLSU squad and then decided to just have a merged halftime performance. A first ever in the DLSU system. Awesome. Astig sobra. We performed Powerbeat, Rekti, Buma, Zama, and Who's to... Rizal was also packed during that game. Mayhem, I tell you. Absolute mayhem. One of my most memorable performances ever.

I've been through a handful of life-changing experiences, and my passion for dancing has helped me get through each and every one of them: happy moments, heartaches, deaths, depression, disappointments, family issues, even academic issues. I've always believed that my dancing has kept me in school. I mean, siguro kung hindi ako cheerleader nun, I'd always be absent or I'd always cut class. My mom and dad used to tease me na I just studied so I can dance. I was in school for like 8-11 hours Monday to Saturday. Whew. But my family has always been supportive of this passion and they recognize it as a gift. They would always watch the NCAA games sa TV just so they could catch a glimpse of me dancing. My nephew, Dominic, was able to watch the DLSU vs CSB game halftime on TV, and now when we go out, he would always say to anybody who'll listen 'Tita ko yan, magaling magsayaw yan!' Never fails to make me smile.

Oh well. In this world of long-gone morals and values (I have some left, thank you very much!); deep-backstabbing-heartbreaking-bullshit-laden life, dancing is my outlet, my salvation. Dancing keeps me sane.

I'm a dancer for life. That's what I'll always be.