Friday, May 27, 2005

Be Healthy.

The past week saw me spending nights (as usual my 12mn to 9am shit, este, shift pala) in the office and then straight to the hospital for my 'bantay' duty while my mom was in the ICU.

We rushed her to the hospital Sunday at 1am because she was scared something was wrong with her because she has had trouble sleeping for the past few days. By Sunday 9am, she was transferred to the ICU because of complications brought about by her diabetic condition.

Sobrang kinabahan kami ng sister ko. Usually, in situations such as this, my brother would be in his take-charge mode. But since my kuya and his wife were in Europe, my atsi and I had to pull through for my mom. Good thing the hospital bills will be charged to my Maxicare card since my mom is my dependent and then the hospital room we are using to accommodate visitors (and ourselves) will be paid for by my Tito Pablo. He didn't want us staying in the waiting area.
Bless you, Tito Pabs.

The cardiologist said she suffered a mild heart attack, most probably 2 days before we brought her to the hospital. He also said aside from her heart, her kidneys are weak. That's what scary about diabetes, my mom did not feel a single thing. She didn't even know she had a heart attack or a heart ailment for that matter. And as far as I know she doesn't have any issues with urinating or with her bowel movement.
Nakakainis tuloy, not at my mom of course, but because of the fact that we were not in control of the situation, moreso, aware of what was happening.

This is all my fault.
She became diabetic when she gave birth to me. A gestational diabetes that turned to Type 1, if I understand it.

Yes, I am the freaking reason. And I hate myself for that. Sana sa akin nalang ibinigay yung sakit na yan. If I only I could claim her illness. I hate seeing my mom weak and confused. As much as possible, when she has a check-up or we rush her to the hospital because of her diabetes, I almost always don't go with her; it's either my ate or my kuya who accompany her.
No, I'm not being maldita. It's actually the guilt kicking in.

My atsi is also diabetic - Type 2 and has been very steadfast in making sure her diet and medication is correct and she gets enough exercise, always checking her blood sugar level and stuff.

Everybody has been asking me to get a test to see if I'm diabetic as well. And I will. Soon. I swear.

I've never been health-conscious. I smoke, I don't get enough sleep, I don't eat right, heck, sometimes I don't eat enough (I don't eat rice anymore), I don't engage in sports as much as I used to. I would love to take up Capoeira full-time but my work schedule prevents me from doing so. But I am resolved to go to classes soon. If not Capoeira, then I'd probably go back to gymnastics in Rizal.

Today, my mom will be getting out of the ICU, thank God. She's going back to her hospital room. Hopefully she goes home within the week.

To my friends who prayed for my mom, thank you thank you thank you sooooo much. You guys don't know how relieved I am that she's okay.

But... please please still say a short prayer for her if you may.

Anyway, go to this site for more information on

Hey, knowing is half the battle.

Take care everyone. Be healthy.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

To my everdearest friend to whom i've grown fonder each day, my sister and soulmate...

Sometimes, we ask questions when there are no answers...

When things go wrong, we look at pain as a reason to stop living...

Stop thinking. Listen to your heart. Listen to the voice inside there telling you not to be afraid. Face it. Speak your heart and mind. Then move on..

You will never grow if you will hide in the shadows.

There is always a reason for everything. We may never find the answers but we should not stop looking.

I have been there.

Learned from it.

I'm not saying i will not make the same mistakes.. in fact i have.. but i am still learning.. and treating each day as a new day. Keep hoping. Keep believing.

If you feel like crying. I will cry with you.

Jump and i will be there to catch you.

Keep believing. Dreams come true.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

In Pain But Never Broken.

It's over.

You have left and I am somber...yet I am thankful.

Somber because
you did not get to feel and experience my love and my passion, the taste of my kisses and the warmth of my touch. You passed up the opportunity to have my devotion and my loyalty.
Thankful because now I can heal in peace.

I genuinely cared for you and when you left, nights were spent thinking if you were thinking of me, of what had gone wrong. Days had me dazed and confused. Laughing and smiling began to be a chore rather than a reflex action. I ached for you.
You nearly had me and all you had to do was to extend your hand but a little further.
At one point I felt the need to confront you and the need to hear the truth from you. I wanted closure and I wanted it so bad that the pang of hurt in my chest, sometimes, would make me gasp. There were so many questions which only you can answer. I had faltered in my quest. I was in pain. I was in tears.

But I was never broken. My heart...somewhat, but my character still intact. My spirit stronger.

The pain reminded me of what I had believed then: I still have a life so I have to live it. And I will.

I have realized that I will be fine without you. It was a painful realization. But I knew it was a realization that I have to act out. I have to go through it.
I have to own it, come hell or high water.
No, I am not angry at fact I still care for you. And I don't blame you either for the pain. It was of my own doing. I let it upon myself. I permitted myself to succumb to the calling of my emotions and my needs as a woman.

Maybe, just maybe...someday, I can call you a friend. As of now, I have enough worthy friends to laugh with me through more heartaches and to be with me for 5 lifetimes. I don't need another friend.

I will now smile, everyday, even if I don't feel happy. And I hope that, one day, I will just find myself smiling because I am truly happy.

You will always be a memory and you played a role in my crazy life.
You have come and now you have gone. A closed cycle.

Now, your part in my life is over.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Of Quotas and Yosi.

Posted more pics in my Multiply account. Take a lookie-lookie.

Ack. I'm sooo full right now since Kerry and Grace had 2 Yellow Cab pizzas delivered to the office as 'pakain,' NY's Finest and Four Seasons. Both 18 inches. Yikes. Sarap.

Anyway, I know I haven't updated for the longest time but I've been limiting my time on the world wide web for the past couple of days. First off, the remote connection I use to browse slows down my PC so I don't browse anymore (Naks! Oi, it's true. I swear). Second, I have been given more quota for evaluations: 18 a day!!! During the first few days of committing to the quota, I wouldn't take my hour-long lunch break but I'd just take yosi breaks in-between 3 or 4 calls A sandwich or bread from Starbucks would suffice, eaten in my workstation.

And am now in the 12mn to 9am shift. The security guard shift as we call it. Not much of an adjustment, really. When I was in Sykes as part of the MSN 9 Beta team, 12mn to 9am din ang shift. The difference is that I work alone in the QA stations on the 14th floor. Again...alone. Kerry and Fats are on the same shift but they do S.O. in the 16th floor batcave. I try to go to work earlier, around 2 hours before my shift, so I can still get together with Melo and the others.

Hey, I'm not complaining. Really, am not. Being chosen as the sole Inbound QA was a surprise for me. I was flattered really because Kit and Cel were entrusting me 21 Inbound agents and letting me handle client calibrations with Greg and the IB TLs. And believe me, it is a challenge. And I'm up for it. I welcomed the added heavy responsibility with open arms, lighter held in my left hand and a pack of West Ice in my right

I've also been spending my yosi breaks with old officemates from Sykes who are on the night shift, my India batchmates and Beta mates. The first time we all met, they said they were all talking about my sign-in name in MSN Messenger sa floor, parang papatay daw ako ng tao! Mwahahha! Tawa daw sila ng tawa. Sabi pa ni Dheng wag daw ako pakita kay Jepoy and Sherwin at asar-talo ako dun sa dalawa. I saw Sonny, and the first thing he said was 'Hanep sa sign-in name ah! Bwahahaha!' Leche. Hehe.

Oh well. Slowly picking up the pieces of my heart. And again trying my damn best to be happy. Friends have been egging me to date again. But I think I'm getting tired of the game. I've turned down 2 invites already. Ewan. I know that I can be happy without a man in my life. I've been there, done that.

Oh shit. Did I just type that? Haha.

I'm still looking for a male pug. I've decided to push through with my plans of getting one, or, if all else fails (read as my Kuya says NO because of my neffies and niece), another cat, a Persian one.

I'm thinking: I have so much love to give and maybe, as of now, it's better to give my love to those sweet animals than waste my time hurting over and pining for someone so unworthy.

Oh. Excuse me while I bang my head against the wall again

As I texted to online twin Patty: 2 heartaches within 3 months is all that my heart can handle. I'm giving it a rest. It was all too much.

Men: Can't live without them. Can't kill them.