Friday, February 17, 2006

Down and out.

When I got home from work today I went straight to my room, locked the door and laid on my bed, not bothering to change clothes or take off my thick boot socks. I laid there, staring at the ceiling, my room full of light from the window.

I felt tired. I felt... lost.

I felt cold, too. Dazed, I looked up at my air conditioner and found it be on. Weird. I don't remember turning it on.

My head hurt.

I sat up and grabbed my fleece blanket from the end of the bed and curled myself up underneath it. I snatched my teddy bears from their pedestal at the top of my bed and hugged them to me.

Usually hugging them bears would comfort me, lull me to sleep, or better yet help me vent whatever frustration I had. But it was different this morning.

There were no tears. None at all. It worries me because I used to cry a lot. Crying gives me the release I need. Somehow it lessens the pain and clears my head. A cleansing ritual if you may.

And now, the tears don't come at all.

It's scary because all I feel is the pain but I can't let it out. My throat tightens when I feel the urge to spill the beans to people I trust.

Numb, I am.

Lost, too.

And tired.

So tired of waiting for you. Of wanting you.
Of missing you.

To borrow a line from AJ, you are my favorite mistake.

21 comments:

k said...

oh, believe me, i know what you're going through.

i don't know who he is or what happened, and i don't know if he's worth waiting for or not. but believe me when i say things will get better soon, one way or another. i'm living proof of that, after all.

... beachfreak said...

@cupcake: I've had the displeasure of loving someone who doesn't think much of me. It's depressing, I know. Makes you wnat to get a noose and just jump. But, I have more strength in me, and I will live.

I am so lost, k. But 'carry' lang. =)

chel said...

hi girl! i love that- "you are my favorite mistake"

as i'm having favorite mine too, it's so tiring already:(

... beachfreak said...

@chel: Sobrang tiring, noh? *sigh*

Nakakatawa minsan, nakakainis palagi. Hehe.

Yeah, crazy diba? Owell.

Darating din ang tama, chel. Baka naliligaw lang. Sana naligaw lang ;)

BernicE said...

favorite mistake... dangit... madami nga nyan... too many to UNremember.

someday malalagay mo yan sa iyong box of "pleasurable sins"

kawalan nya yun

... beachfreak said...

@j a: UNremember... pleasurable sins... ooohhh...

hehehe.

pie said...

remain strong girl! :)

... beachfreak said...

@pie: I'll live. Frustrated lang ang lola mo. Hehe.

BernicE said...

hahaha one of my friends read behind my back and said "poocha... you guys sound so kinky you should be lesbos on video"

hello?!!! cant women be smart, beautiful, irresistable and ughhh neurotic?

pleasurable sins... erroneous desires...improper yet blissful...hehehe hay... dangit dangit.

Quentin said...

hey, i haven't used my tear glands for the longest time. but tequila helped me cry the last time *tee hee*

btw, I couldn't figure out how to download from your multiply. was meaning to catch you online

... beachfreak said...

@j a: What's kinky? *with innocent look* Hehe.

Mas masarap talaga pag bawal. Haha.

@quentino: Ayaw tequila. Blech.

Pakasasa na lang ako sa rhum and coke. - Pero matutuwa pa ata ako nun. Bahala na. =)

Oh, multiply? Just click on download sa right side of the song you want to download...

k said...

*hugs hugs hugs*

it's his loss.

to quote my friend, "there's no use fighting for someone who clearly is not worthy of you."

... beachfreak said...

@cupcake: Oh, how many times have I said that =( I'm beginning to see myself as pathetic...

He was online (in YM) the other day, as I was. And it's been a long time I haven't logged in to my YM account. And he NEVER messaged me. *waaah*

Tangina. Tangina talaga.

Ugh.

Quentin said...

ay nako, kung gusto mo siyang mawala in a shallow way, i-highlight mo yung panget sa kanya. kunwari, meron pala siyang eczema sa paa.

oi, nagbibiro lang.

... beachfreak said...

@quentino: I've been trying to do that. Gusto ko ngang magalit na lang eh.

=)

AJ said...

Ha.. I have another line for you: Self-immersion.

When one of my friends had or needed to wallow without the tears, I just told her to immerse herself with the images, smells and memory of that one person she misses the most. The rationale behind that is that when you've done all the wallowing, you'll tire yourself out from missing, longing and needing him, or them.

It works really. that's how I survive the months that my "favorite mistake" is elsewhere.

I allow myself to miss him when I do; the longer I deny myself of him, the more that he would burrow deep in me. *wink, wink*

... beachfreak said...

@aj: Hehe. Kaw talaga... I'm in too deep, I think.

*sigh*

Inuman na!!!!

BernicE said...

pupusta ako... masmahirap bago matulog di ba? yung... naaalala mo kung bakit at bakit hindi?

shootymybooty... nakakainis hahaha iinom mo na lang yan... masaya pa

raven said...

Be strong girl. You've always been tough, you can be tough now. Let the feelings fill you, and let time heal you. I know it's hard, but things will get better after, I promise. Just be strong and let him go.

mr pogi said...

what's up girl? stop bitching err..."beachin'" ;-)

it's me...your one and only mr pogi....alive & kickin'..hehehe

cheers :-)

... beachfreak said...

@jaliscious: Totoo! Yunm talaga yung pamatay. Leche. And correct, mas masaya uminom. Hehe.

@raven I am going to let him go soon. I just need to talk to him siguro, but yes, you are right. And I will. And I'll never look back after that. =)

@mr pogi: yeah, i'm still bitching and beaching. Haha. =)