Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Perspective.

So, the day of reckoning has come. Hehe.

I am, as of today, officially 29.

Anyway, amusingly, more than one friend texted me, 'How does it feel to be almost 30?' I replied: Age ain't nuthin' but a numbah.

And then ---- it hit me. I am almost 30.

Well, how does it feel to be 'almost' 30, you say?

Oh, it doesn't feel any different when I was 28... or 27... or 26. Hmm. The way I feel hasn't changed. The adding of 1 year to my age hasn't added any burden to my chaotic, dramatic, unconventional life. Physically, no difference. Emotionally, hmm, quite (oh shoot, no details muna). Spiritually... hey, I’m getting there.

I say: It's all about perspective and attitude.

I think my perspective all changed when I turned 25. That was when my real life began.

In my early 20's, I knew some people viewed me as unorthodox and rebellious, always turning up their nose when I pass them by. I used to care what they think. I used to make sure I behaved properly when they were around, and just let my hair down after they've gone. In this manner, I pleased them, and I got my way, albeit only after and just for short a time. I used to believe that in order for me to be happy I should strive to please as many people as I can. I felt restricted and chained to a list of rules that didn't agree with my perverted behavior and go-getting ways. I was confined to a seat I didn't feel comfortable in.

Ooooh, the agony.

But once I passed the quarter (of a century) mark, I discovered my dexterity to break free from the pressures of society and the norms they have hammered into my heart. I wanted to be undaunted. I felt the unsettling need to throw back my head and laugh like a woman who has seen it all, been through it all. I sought to throw my inhibitions out the window and be a woman of the world: who worked smart and hard then partied harder.

I realized my life was too short to be bothered by individuals who do not see beyond the money, beyond the clothes, beyond the title people carry.

I held, in my own hands, the power to direct my life as I see fit.

I knew there were risks. Frankly, I was terrified of where I would take myself. Knowing my brain and my heart, they were going to lead me into many painful and melancholic paths littered with insensitive men (who think they're God's gift to women), user-friendly friends (who will leave as soon as they see another cow to milk), and masterful servants of wishful thinking (who live in a kaleidoscope world of their perfection at the same time swim in doubt).

Yet I also knew that however dark and bleak the path I choose to tread on, I will have my family and some proven life-long friends (they may be few, but they are treasures) to lean on; I have my father who never fails to keep watch over me from the gates of Heaven, whose death made me realize that if I wish to love - I should, and ask nothing in return.

Again: It's all about perspective and attitude. Be my age and sulk in a corner regretting every damn mistake you made.

Or be my age and just live, hurt, heal, be happy.

Footnote: Thanks to everyone who texted me, called me on my cell or home phone, messaged me in Friendster and Multiply to greet me today. I have everyone listed, yes, and I’m going to reply to every single text and email and message. Thank you for 'being with me' on my day. Thank you. I was touched and some of the messages made me cry. Leche kayo. Hehe. Pag-gising ko tuloy kanina namamaga mata ko. But, hey, thank you for the sweet and tear-jerking messages.

14 comments:

Quentin said...

hmm, i think i'd like to do something like this by the time my own bungday comes around.

in other news, stay groovin' yo :}

... beachfreak said...

@quentino: bungday? what's that mean? hehe

barenaked said...

oh! belated happy bday! :D

tama. just do your thing, wag magpaapekto sa mga alang kuwentang tao, hehe! ;)

... beachfreak said...

@barenaked aka jill: thanks! Aba, walang mura yung comment mo ah. haha. joke joke joke! Ingat girl!

cupcake said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! you know what they say, life begins at...near 30, haha.

i liked this post a lot (aside from the fact that it's about your day, that is). so true, if we spend every second trying to fit in the mold that everyone else set for us, then we might as well let them live our life for us.

... beachfreak said...

@cupcake: thanks! I've learned a lot, and I've adjusted quite a few times. I'm still doing that y'know. I believe there's nothign wrong with 'fitting the mold' it just doesn't have to be permanent... diba?

Owell. Confused lang ako. Hehe. Thanks again! =)

raven said...

Happy birthday!!! :-D I know you've lived an exciting life, but here's wishing this year's going to top all the previous years! ;-)

More power!

... beachfreak said...

@raven: Thank you, thank you, raven! What a year it has been. Whew. The adventure never ceases. =) Thanks again! Have a good one!

teena said...

happy birthday! its been over a year ata that we've known each other but we have yet to see each other. :)

hope you had a great one. here's to another blessed year ahead. :)

Mr Pogi said...

well happy birthday dear...mwah~!

yeah, it's just a number...you look as beautiful as ever...di bola yan!

toodles!

cyberpunk said...

wow, i wish a lot of women (esp me) were like you, believing that "age is just a number"...

as for really being yourself by age 25, strangely, that happened to me too :) 25 must be a magic number...you hit that # of birthdays and you get this wisdom na "if others don't like me as i am, then screw them, i don't care" :P

... beachfreak said...

@teena: Surreal diba. Hehe. I think, I saw you once in Shangri-la, I knew it was you bit I was too shy to call you. :*) Hehe. Soon though. Thanks teena!

@mr pogi: I'll link you ah. Thanks for that compliment :*) I really appreciate it =)

@cyberpunk: Haha! It is a magic number. 25 was like the gateway to all of these realizations and more. hehe. In time, you'll realize that age is indeed just a number, it's how you feel that really counts. ;)

Eric said...

Happy birthday! :)

... beachfreak said...

@don enrico!: thank you! Musta Tate? =)