Resilience.

When will loving ever not hurt?

Stupid question, I know, because it always will... at one point.

Cheesy as it is, heartache can sometimes destroy a part of you, something that you've nurtured and protected - not necessarily your heart - it could be your ego, your pride, a belief, your confidence, worse of all - your spirit. But after the misadventure you'll be surprised at your own resiliency. You appraise your condition, and find out you may be bruised but never broken.

Thank God, no permanent damage anywhere.

Evidently, I'm better now, smiling and making the hirits I'm known for inside my 'circle.' The first week, friends were eyeing me cautiously, making comments and then seeing if remarks and jokes would irritate me or spin me into a frenzy.

Which, of course, did not. And it worried them to no end.

One Saturday night in Sake Lab dear friend Luigi, seeing me stone-faced and quiet, hugged me to him, and kissed me on my brow.

"Anything you need, Rose, anything," he whispered gently.

I almost cried when I heard those words. It took all of my self-control not to utter his name, not to say he was all I needed. The pain resurfaced with a vengeance and I nearly went limp.

Now after a month, it somehow amazes me I'm still in one piece and still alive.

I still miss him at times I must admit but sleep comes easily now. My dreams are now filled with stories and color, no more dreamless sleep and tired wakings. Instead of dreading the weekend and waiting for 'something', I find myself travelling and losing myself in new pursuits. A day may pass by without thinking about him which is good I reckon.

I'm thankful to have met him, thankful I was given the opportunity to be with him, no matter what circumstances or arrangements we had then. I did find a man who exceeded my wants [not really my expectations come to think about it now] and it just means that my wants (in a man) are attainable.

There is still hope.

He became a part of my life. Another closed cycle. Maybe I'll look back on this episode and find myself smiling.

Maybe =)

And so, I wait.

Yes, it's a Saturday night (well, officially it is Sunday) and, I am at home. My brother actually asked me if I wasn't going out... and he asked me this as if I was sick. Hehe.

It's one of those Saturday nights which I'd like to spend inside the confines of my room, reading a good book. I had to satiate my need for some quiet time.

While looking for a good book find in last year's Powerbooks Warehouse Sale, I chanced upon Eragon, Book One by Christopher Paolini. Oh, I've seen it before on one of my travails to NBS but my heart wasn't really set on purchasing it. I loved the cover though, and the dragon, well, all things mythological and legend hold a special place in my heart. But on those travails, I had other books I wanted to buy and read. So the Shopaholic series and The Life of Pi by Yann Martel had me pre-occupied.

So on that sweltering afternoon in the Powerbooks sale, when I stumbled upon Eragon and saw the blue dragon giving me a piercing look, I had it in the crook of my arm in a heartbeat.

Such, is my life.

Last week, I was on my way to the grocery, as my supply of junk food and what-nots has depleted. I passed 'a different bookstore' in Rustan's and I noticed they were having a sale! Bookworm that I am, I had to enter and revel in the magic of getting a book. When I left 15 minutes later I had The Devil Wears Prada and, yes, Eldest, Book Two .

Hey, at 30% less, it wasn't bad.

And now, after re-reading Eragon for the past 2 days, and finishing Eldest a few minutes ago, I have nothing to do.

I never knew it was a trilogy. I just had an inkling, that a Book Three was in the offing, a good 10 pages before I finished Book Two.

I read the books without any prior knowledge about the story, only what it has on the back cover. I even didn't want to search on the net. I did not want reviews, rants and raves to obscure or influence my mind as I started embarking on Eragon's quest. I tend to do that with books that catch my fancy. Nothing to influence the pleasure of my reading.

Now, nothing to do.

Ah, yes. Wait for Book Three, I fear.

Argh.

Panic Attack.

I had a chocolate-anxiety attack earlier. AS IN. I was trembling all over and sort of breaking into a sweat even though my air conditioner was turned on full blast.

I was doing some reports for work when I suddenly thought about chocolates.

CHOCOLATES.

I began to fantasize about those deep-dark-creamy ones with a melt-in-your-mouth sweetness; which when you pop one in your mouth, it just makes you want to lean back in your armchair and close your eyes, and just savor the velvety texture... damn.

I immediately stood up from my work and did my wild search. I rummaged through my bags, I checked our family room fridge, I checked our kitchen fridge, I checked the pantry, I checked my brother's fridge,

AND NO CHOCOLATE.

NO. GUDAM. CHOCOLATE.

Dammit.

I wanted a chocoloate so bad I wanted to cry.

I know I'm not making any sense. At all.

Yeah. I'm crazy like that.

Tagged. Part II.

So I was tagged by j a and anne. Geez, took me a long time to actually do it.

*sigh*

TEN men you find sexy:

* Harrison Ford
* Eric Cruz (oh my gawd...)
* Joseph Laping (putcha... garapalan na 'to - haha!)
* Phil Abenoja *himatay* (haha! Talagang nilagay yung pangalan niya! Kerry, alam kong tumatawa ka ngayon!)
* Will Smith
* George Clooney
* Eric Bana
* Orlando Bloom (i'ma make him wear those elven ears and his blonde wig... damn. ulam na ulam... ang sarap siguro nun. *peste*)
* John Hall
* and this other guy who shall forever be nameless...

NINE people you would invite to a special party:

* Jason Mraz
* Alicia Keys
* Bono
* Professor Dumbledore
* Fred and George Weasly
* Pol Medina Jr.
* F. Sionil Jose
* Jessica Zafra

EIGHT sure fire ways to get your attention (positive and negative):

* kids and babies
* puppies and kittens
* good writing
* a meaningful *ahem* smile
* good grooves
* good music
* nice broad shoulders
* witty remarks

SEVEN pet peeves

* liars
* boys who pretend they have turned into men
* toothaches
* egotistic people who can't handle flattery well
* people who are childish (not child-like ah, there's a difference...)
* user-friendly people
* overbearing and overconfident attitude
* having my monthly ovulation when I'm at the beach or when I want some (yun ang bad trip sobra...)

SIX women you look up to

* my Mom
* my Lola Necy
* Che Che Lazaro
* Sister Nicole, spc
* my atsi
* Susan Sarandon

FIVE random things about you

* pug-wanter
* cook-er
* wavecatcher
* all-nighter
* groove-maker

FOUR most romantic songs (music)

* I Didnt Know I Was Looking... by EBTG
* Baby Can I Hold You by Tracy Chapman
* Now That I've Found You by Allison Krauss
* The Way You Look Tonight by Michael Bublé

THREE places you want to take a vacation in

* Brazil
* Italy
* The Carribean

TWO turn ons

* intellectually-stimulating yet funny
* good with his hands

ONE unforgettable moment

* Aw, hell. The night before my daddy passed away. Yun.

Hmm. Am i tagging anyone? Has to be 5, eh?

Krissy
Kerry
Aiah
Sherwin
jean_grey

Twisted Sunshine. No more.

I'm lost in a sea of familiar emotions and pent-up feelings. Once again, Fate saw it fit to bring me to pain. Offering me a delicious platter of satisfying viand, only to snatch it away once my fingers were in reach for the taking.

I keep on walking with no destination in mind.

Blurred faces. Slow-motion world.

My mind races with images of skin against skin, lips against skin, my long hair tickling every inch of his chest.

I cringe. I stumble.

I stop and sit on the pavement with my palms up on my lap. My head bows, heavy with the memories of lust, of want, of longing. In the dark recesses of my mind I hear conversations and see typed words.

Oh, how memories and moments resurface with the pain.

My cheeks twitch, my lips tremble, my eyes begin to burn. Then I start to cry. I let the first tear fall. I do not attempt to wipe it away. I let it trickle down my cheek, down to my neck to my breast. The second tear comes, then a third... then comes the torrent of hurt and love and loss. I do not stop. I feel comfort in my damp face.

It has begun, the cleansing ritual I yearn.

I then feel cold drops of water on my open palm, and then another. My bare shoulders feel the dampness in the wind.

It begins to drizzle. I accept it by turning my face up to the sky.

I feel cold drops from heaven mingle with the hot tears my eyes has released.

It's raining now.

And I realize, this is how we started, in a middle of a storm.

And so this is how it also ends.