Monday, July 03, 2006

Of Age and Wisdom.

I'm turning 30 this October. And sometimes I can't quite believe it. At times I feel some years of my life just passed me by and it sucks when I waste time thinking long and hard what I did with those years. It also hurts I can't seem to remember what good those wasted years did me.

There are so many things I'd love to accomplish, adventures I'd love to devour, experiences I'd want to gush about, deadlines I'd be challenged to meet. Yet here I am in my darkened room thinking about wasted years, nothing to show for my bravery and eloquence.

I am envious and I am still blind.

I see the horns of depression pushing its way out. I feel the bumps of helplessness struggling to take over. I'm thinking it's futile to stop them. But I still suppress them with what's left of my diminishing sanity.

I'd like to think I'm in control of my life. I'd like to think I'm an adult who has learned from her mistakes. I'd like to believe I'm veering my life in the direction I want it to go. I'd like to believe I'm actually making a difference.

I'd like to. That tells me everything is an illusion.

I'm living the life of a 25-year old with nothing to lose but time.


Quentin said...

"nothing to lose but time"

im a bit struck because i had the same sentiments when this year came in. it's that sinking feeling that you'll letting a day pass by and before you know it, it's been a year.

early in my posts, i said that this year could be the last year of my life. it doesn't mean to sound morbid or anything. it's more like a weak attempt to make me do something. live for something.

i think that was it. i wanted to renew the fact that i am living for something .

what was it again? o_O

... beachfreak said...

@quentino: I understand your point and I feel the same way.

There was this training I attended a week ago and I learned a lot of things about me that a retreat or counsel session wasn't able to give me.

I already booked a trip to Thailand in November. If I hve to go by myself, so be it. My adventure starts then.

I'm gathering the courage and the resources to push through with it.

I'm excited. Hey, it's something to live for, right? At least until November.

mitch said...

I believe anyone who goes through their birthdays and those who have to admit that they're not getting any younger always have a tendency to reflect on the life they've led and the life they want to have.

it's just a phase. eventually, you'll know where the direction of your life points to. but for now, I think you need a diversion. :)

Best of luck on your trip to Thailand. :)

... beachfreak said...

@mitch: A diversion indeed. Hehe. I found one but I'm not banking on it to get me out of this slump. But, as I always say, I'll live.

Thanks, mitch! =)

nonoy said...

ahh.. mid-life crisis. strikes me, too. ;)

... beachfreak said...

@aajao: Yeah, maybe that's what I'm going through.. weird. =)

gillboard said...

going through the same thing... mine i think you call a quarter-life crisis... crap gets the best of me... im a 25 year-old living a 40 year-old guy's life... kinda sucks actually... makes me look like one too... i need to take stresstabs...

... beachfreak said...

@gillboard: You're not the only one. ;)

cyberpunk said...

you're turning 30? di halata!

para ka lang...40...joke! you look young for your age so cheer up...

seriously, i can relate to your post, i get depressed too thinking of the lost opportunities, but to me, you seem like a woman who tries her best to live a full life. don't despair, i have a feeling that you're doing better than most people :)

... beachfreak said...

@cyberounk: Thanks, really. =) It's futile to have regrets but sometimes it's hard NOT to think about it. Hay naku.

You take care :)