Damn.

I changed my tag board last night because I wanted the tagboard to contain the link to the blog of the person who leaves a message. So I deleted the code in my template and placed a new one which I liked. Simple.

When I checked just this morning ------holy fuck! ------ my hit counter was gone! Grrrr. Aw, man. And I had 540 hits already! Argh.

So now, I have a new counter.

Lesson learned. Ugh.

Anyway, will be going to Alabang for Flip and Dino's bday inuman and pakain. Wow, can't wait to see little Joaquin again. Better ease up on the perfume if I want to carry him. Kulitan na naman to. Alvin also texted that we will be watching Alexander, last full show daw. Okay. Buong araw na naman akong wala rito sa bahay. Oh well.

Was in Greenhills earlier with my sister and I bought some things. Useless things, I may add. Grr. I was really looking for an 'Ocean's Eleven' dvd but wala akong mahanap. I'd really like to watch it because 'Ocean's Twelve' will be released this december. And it's on my must-watch list. Sabi siguro ni Lord, original na lang bilhin ko. Hehehe.

O siya. Makaalis na nga.

Cancel Galera...

'Unwind trip' to Galera didn't push through because of the typhoon. It was signal #3 in Batangas. Mayette and some friends still stayed in Anilao, but the rest of us who were still in Manila decided not to go. Oh well. I was so, so ready to get a tan, to get my skin color straightened out. Argh.

Can't be idle this weekend, God forbid. So I had to think of things to do to keep my hands and my mind busy. Teehee!

Well, Tin-Tin gave birth last Thursday, so Joaquin Albert Abdon was born November 18, 2004. Matt, Alvin, Chee, and I, then Carlo and his lovely wife, Jhan, were in Alabang last night to visit the baby. He was so beautiful; he had cute eyes, a button nose, and a lovely, thick mop for hair. Little Flip ito. Yesterday was also Flip's birthday. We stayed until 2 am this morning just talking and drinking. They all kept reminding me that I was the only female left in our circle of friends who does not have a child yet. Nina has 3 already, Cheloy has 2; then Chee, Gen, Ces, and now Tin, one each. I just kept on replying, 'Ang tagal nga eh!' :P

Well, I'm not in a hurry. I mean, I'd love to have a family of my own someday, I'm sure about that, but I'm enjoying my life as it is right now. I'm just not ready yet, and there are so many things I'd like to do and experience first before I finally settle down. I know, I know. I'm not getting any younger. But, hell, so what? I have come to a realization that I want something more from this life. I want to be uninhibited and, for lack of a better word, liberated. I'm in this stage in my life that I don't really care what people think of me. I don't try to conform with the norm, and as long as I don't hurt anybody, I will continue to do things my way.

Someone once asked me, 'Isn't there something you wanted to try out without being judged?' And I answered, 'Yes.' But what was it that I wanted to try? What was it that I wanted to explore? I'm still trying to answer that question until now. It haunts me. And it makes me think.

I really, really, really need to unwind. Asap.

Daddy.

Time does not heal wounds. It just lets you get used to the pain.

Dear Daddy,

I miss you so much. It's been 5 years since you died, pero I still can't get over the fact na wala ka na.

I wish you were in my graduation. You could have been so proud of me. Nung nag-march ako papasok ng PICC, I was thinking of you. I know that I am not the ideal daughter for you. But you still loved me and protected me. The thought that you won't be able to see me when I get married makes my heart constrict.

I'm so sorry for all the things na alam kong ika-gagalit mo, nung nabubuhay ka pa at ngayong wala ka na. I know and I felt your disappointment when things didn't work out with your dream for me. I was disappointed, too. And hurt. And I was so afraid during that time kasi wala ka para pagtanggol ako. Kuya did everything he could, but he wasn't you. Siguro dad, hindi talaga para sa akin yun. I hope you understand. I am so sorry.

I love you, daddy. I know that you are my guardian angel. And I understand that God called on you because he had other things for you to do. But, I miss you so much.

Don't worry daddy, we'll take good care of mama. I miss you.

I love you, daddy.
****************

^^^^The entry I posted in 2002 in one of the forums in PEx. The search function is already up so I was able to read my past posts. When I read this, it all came back to me.

My dad died April 11, 1997. It was his first and last heart attack. The night before he died, he was complaining of chest pains and he said he was having difficulty burping. Ako naman, walang pakialam. Nagno-nod lang ako. Ni hindi ko tinanong kung ano pang nararamdaman niya or sana sinamahan ko siya sa sala. Napakawalang kwenta ko talaga. Walang kwenta talaga. Tangina. I have never forgiven myself.

I'm missing my dad. I'll just let the tears flow. It has been 7 years. Tangina, ang hirap talaga. I was actually reading through my past posts in PEx when I came across posts that I had made about my dad and his death (one of which I poster above). Yan tuloy, iyak na lang ako ng iyak for the past few days. I just miss him so much. He was my everything. I was his girl. All I could think about is how I miss him so much. And how I love him so much but never had the chance to say it before he died. Just thinking about him, sumisikip na yung dibdib ko.

When my dad died, it was a shock. It didn't register immediately in my mind. All I could remember was looking through the glass panels of his closet, sliding it open. I just broke down when I opened his closet, smelling his polos, his barongs, his shirts. I just stood there, crying, holding on to his clothes. And I could smell him. Ang sakit, ang hirap. Oh God.

It was the hardest, saddest, and most painful day of my life.