Thursday, November 11, 2004

Daddy.

Time does not heal wounds. It just lets you get used to the pain.

Dear Daddy,

I miss you so much. It's been 5 years since you died, pero I still can't get over the fact na wala ka na.

I wish you were in my graduation. You could have been so proud of me. Nung nag-march ako papasok ng PICC, I was thinking of you. I know that I am not the ideal daughter for you. But you still loved me and protected me. The thought that you won't be able to see me when I get married makes my heart constrict.

I'm so sorry for all the things na alam kong ika-gagalit mo, nung nabubuhay ka pa at ngayong wala ka na. I know and I felt your disappointment when things didn't work out with your dream for me. I was disappointed, too. And hurt. And I was so afraid during that time kasi wala ka para pagtanggol ako. Kuya did everything he could, but he wasn't you. Siguro dad, hindi talaga para sa akin yun. I hope you understand. I am so sorry.

I love you, daddy. I know that you are my guardian angel. And I understand that God called on you because he had other things for you to do. But, I miss you so much.

Don't worry daddy, we'll take good care of mama. I miss you.

I love you, daddy.
****************

^^^^The entry I posted in 2002 in one of the forums in PEx. The search function is already up so I was able to read my past posts. When I read this, it all came back to me.

My dad died April 11, 1997. It was his first and last heart attack. The night before he died, he was complaining of chest pains and he said he was having difficulty burping. Ako naman, walang pakialam. Nagno-nod lang ako. Ni hindi ko tinanong kung ano pang nararamdaman niya or sana sinamahan ko siya sa sala. Napakawalang kwenta ko talaga. Walang kwenta talaga. Tangina. I have never forgiven myself.

I'm missing my dad. I'll just let the tears flow. It has been 7 years. Tangina, ang hirap talaga. I was actually reading through my past posts in PEx when I came across posts that I had made about my dad and his death (one of which I poster above). Yan tuloy, iyak na lang ako ng iyak for the past few days. I just miss him so much. He was my everything. I was his girl. All I could think about is how I miss him so much. And how I love him so much but never had the chance to say it before he died. Just thinking about him, sumisikip na yung dibdib ko.

When my dad died, it was a shock. It didn't register immediately in my mind. All I could remember was looking through the glass panels of his closet, sliding it open. I just broke down when I opened his closet, smelling his polos, his barongs, his shirts. I just stood there, crying, holding on to his clothes. And I could smell him. Ang sakit, ang hirap. Oh God.

It was the hardest, saddest, and most painful day of my life.

5 comments:

eventuallypretty said...

i felt sad when i read your story. it was probably great having your dad as a father. well as they say things happen for a reason. and tama yung poster sa pex. he really is probably watching over you and your entire famile. cheer up :)

kat said...

Ei. Just read this. I can't really say that I know how you feel but I can relate. I was so against my lola moving to the US and I let her know about it. A year later she died of cancer there and I ofeten wonder if whe knew that I accepted the situation and love her so much. It may not be as sudden or less painful than what happened with your dad, and like you, I still have regrets. I just hope you're ok now.

day said...

hi mommy rose! musta na?...i accidentally came upon ur blog, tnx to kat...

anywayz, i just wana comment on this article...kaka-sad...reading it made me miss my mommy also...my mom passed away 3 1/2 yrs ago...pareho pala tayo ng sentiments...ang hirap ng kulang ng isang parent no? but i'm definitely sure that they're out there watching over us everyday...and khet hindi natin nasabi how much we loved them when they were still alive, i know they know that...hindi na natin kailangan, ramdam nila un :)

mell ditangco (this is my pseudonym) said...

I am deeply moved by your story...

I hope and pray you will feel better someday.

Kaya mo yan... :)

... beachfreak said...

@eventuallypretty: My dad was really one of a kind. He is my Angel.

@Kat: I'm okay now but still the pain remains. :) But you get used to it, I guess.

@day: That's so true when you said that they know that we love them kahit hindi natin nasabi sa kanila. It's just that, lam mo yun, yung initiative na sabihin mo na mahal mo sila... oh well.

@mell: ahia, kayang-kaya. =)