Stuck in a Moment.

Had a really spaced-out week in the office. Going to work was just surreal. Everything was just a blur. Listening to 80 calls was just a breeze for me, but last week found me lagging behind in the quota. In the middle of the call I'm listening to, I'll have this pang of pain in my chest, so I stop it, and I just have to really, really concentrate not to let the tears fall. And it is so damn hard. Fuck.

Tuesday, the 18th. Woke up in a good mood. Had a really peaceful sleep because of the light load of sorting tasks the day before. Went online and checked stuff. Out of curiousity and, well, the need to torture myself (hehehe!), I checked his Friendster account. I've been checking it ever since we became friends. I know. It's pathetic. Pagbigyan niyo na ako. Tanga eh. So anyway, checked and, did I torture myself. He was In a Relationship, I knew that.

And now has a really long sweet testimonial from his supposed gf.

Did I just torture myself? Oh God.

I wasn't able to read the whole thing, though, because I just felt the tears clogging my vision. I just x-ed out of all the open windows, turned off the connection and shut down my laptop. I just sat there and felt all the bitterness again. At the end of the day, I was resolved that I will not reply to his texts. I will not heed his calls. IF he will text or call. With the way things were going, I wasn't hoping that he would, and the idea struck me just fine because I knew I had to end this, ignore everything, and move on.

Saturday came, and my resolve just dissolved when he texted. Anakanamanngpusa talaga o. Bad trip. And then wala na ulit. Mas bad trip. Punyeta. Iyak uli.

No, I am not in love. I can say that with all honesty. I'm thinking, I must be 'in-love' with the thought that I could be with someone else. Melo, upon finding out from me what happened, asked me straight-faced if I feel used. No, I don't, I quickly replied. The reason I'm crying and the reason why I'm bitter is of my own doing. I don't blame him. I blame myself for believing that I have what it takes to play the game right.

Rose, it's just a game. It's just a fucked-up, no rules game. Wake up and smell the odor of reality.

Ayoko na. Ayoko na. Ayoko na.

Lord, huwag Niyo na siyang ilapit sakin. Habang maaga pa. Please, bulungan Niyo na siya na huwag akong kausapin, hawag nakong kilalanin. Ayoko na eh. Please po.

Of Council Sessions.

A few Sunday nights ago, I had the opportunity to celebrate a post-Christmas and post-New Year get-together with my friends from the Sangguniang Kabataan. Just a simple pot-luck dinner with beers after. It was great seeing them and I found myself thinking how much we've changed and how much we haven't. Politics and money can really change people, even young minds as we had then. We were talking about how the new SK Federation was doing and the projects that were being implemented. Nostalgia.

1996. My dad and my kuya were joking that they wanted me to run as SK Chairman and then they'll get me the SK Federation presidency daw. I was like just smiling and joking na ayaw ko kasi baka makasira sa nightlife ko. You see, I was just in my sophomore year in college, having the time of my life. I wasn't really the political type, or so I thought. But I was always an achiever, a leader, a calculative risk-taker.

You have to understand my family has a political lineage. We were related to anyone who was tubong-Mandaluyong. 3 of my grandfathers were City Councilors during their time, another grandfather was an Ambassador to Japan and Australia, several cousins were also part of the SK, and so on and so forth. My dad was a familiar figure in Mandaluyong politics, knew everybody and was consultant and friend to several mayors and congressmen locally and in other localities. My brother is a Barangay Captain (he was 23 when he was elected). An uncle was a trusted right-hand man of the incumbent local administration.

In the end, I found out they, dad and kuya, weren't joking. I was really hesitant at first. Scared and terrified as well. They assured me that wala akong kailangan gawin. They'll campaign for me and stuff and all I had to do was to just be myself. In the end I agreed to run, not because I wanted it but because of the sheer love and trust I had for/in my dad and my kuya.

And so it began. A line-up was created for me. Campaign strategies were devised. Sorties were organized.

Whew.

I think the campaign period lasted for like 2 weeks. I found myself enjoying the attention and I, genuinely, was beginning to be optimistic and idealistic about the whole political affair. Thankfully, I won. Barely 2 weeks after the election, I was prepped with what was to happen in the next few weeks. I would campaign for the SK Federation Presidency. If I won, I would be part of the City Council. There are 27 barangays. I had to get 14 votes to win. Oh God. What did I get myself into?! I still remember lying in my bed with a list of the 27 SK Chairmen. I memorized their names and from what Barangay they were from. I was christened as the local administration's bet in the SK Fed'n election. After 2 months of campaigning, courting the Barangay Captain and then the SK Chairman, their parents, their friends, I won. I got 15 votes. Not bad. I was also the first woman city councilor.

And so that started my career as a politician. I had my own staff, my own office, and the best part, a salary and allowances! :lol: Oh yes! There were a lot of perks. I was privy to going-ons behind the 'red curtain.' Was pampered by the City Councilors since I was the only female, I always had the privileged seat, the nicest polo barong, the best position for photo ops. Hahahaha! From that point on, I didn't have to ask money from my parents because I was earning enough. I also paid for my own expenses like gas and car maintenance, clothes, some groceries, food for my pets, even my tuition. They would still leave me my weekly allowance on top of the Marantz (where our allowances since grade school would always be left in the morning) but I'd always not take it.

But it wasn't all fun. I had my share of tears, problems, and talks of discontentment from my peers. Rivals would always loom over my head like a dark cloud, looking for a mistake or a mishap to happen. I was juggling a 24-hour workload with school and my cheerleading and dancing. Of course, my priority was always the SK. There were hearings to attend in the morning, meetings to head every other day at 10am, Council sessions to attend to at 3pm, speeches to be delivered, events that I had to grace in the evening. I had to drop a few subjects here and there, and so I had to accept the fact that I wasn't going to graduate on time. But, hell, I wasn't going to let my work get in the way of my passion for dancing. Hell, no. I was captain of the pep then, and I was damn keen on performing my duties as always. But, that's another entry. Hehehehe!

I had the opportunity to work, mingle and talk with several great minds and politicians. Bongbong and Imee Marcos, Richard Gordon, Mar Roxas, Robert Pagdanganan, Raul Roco. Of course, Sen. Neptali Gonzales was always a favorite of mine. On Monday Morning Breakfast after the Flag Ceremony, he would regale me with stories about other pulitikos and his experiences, his poems and anecdotes from people he has worked with. Never did he snub my questions about current events and would always give me an insight on what he feels went wrong or what law has to be passed. Always was a pleasure to be seated beside him and he would always single me out in an assembly and would never forget to ask about my mom after my dad died. His family was one of the first to be at our side when my dad passed away, and for that I am forever thankful.

I realized that the Philippines is a truly beautiful country in spite of the political scenario. Seminars and projects have found me in Occidental Mindoro, Iloilo, Ilocos Norte/Sur and Pagudpud, Boracay, Cebu, Guimaras, Banawe, numerous times. I would really love to go back to these places and more.

In ending, being part of the SK gave me an opportunity to help other people in need. It was such a lovely feeling when people come up to you to thank you for helping them get somewhere, for giving them a hand to finish something, or for giving them an opportunity that they truly deserve, that no one would give them. All the hardships, pain and tears I went through are thrown out of the window when I recall the numerous heart-warming messages I have received when I had to leave the SK behind after 6 long years.

I just wish that I could have done more.

Kung Fu Hustle and Mirages.

KUNG FU HUSTLE

It's 3am. I'm not sleepy. And to think I have to go to work, OT and 6th day, later at 10am. Hay. But it has to be done. Oh well, no sense in bitching about it, right? Right.

I watched Kung Fu Hustle in G4 with Alvin, Bry, Carlo, Jhan, Dino, Nye, Ady, and Marco. Laugh trip sobra. Stephen Chow was hilarious and I loved the story. Will not tell, but it was funny but had sense. Kakaiba talaga. I've always been fascinated by kung fu movies, even as a child. I'd always watch those Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan movies, either with my dad or kahit ako lang. I have a small collection of those videos but I don't get to watch them as much as I'd like to. Some of them are even in VHS formats pa! :D

Anyway, after the movie we played sa arcade, actually yung boys lang, kaming 3 girls nanuod lang, and then after we just proceeded to North Park in Makati Ave. The plan was to go to Kamagong and drink a few beers before parting ways but since I had work nga, nagpahatid nako. And wasn't really in the mood to drink anyway. Been wanting to go online so I can check stuff.

I want to say, or rather type so much but I don't know where to begin actually. Quite a few things I've been pondering on for the past few weeks and I've just been working myself to tiredness so as not to ponder on things anymore. I just need to let off a little steam. Hmmm. I know I just pushed myself between a rock and a hard place. And now I can't get out. I thought that I saw something good so I just eased myself in and took the risk.

Now, I've realized it was just a mirage. Nothing more. It was just too good to be true. Now, I'm just hurt. No. Bitter is more like it because I just lost in a game that I knew I would be good at. I've been telling myself that I was taken for a ride. But I know deep down inside my lustful heart, that in fact, I entered the game without the right emotional state of mind required for such a match.

I'm not up to this. I hate losing. I hate thinking of the could've beens, would've beens, ifs, ands, and buts.
I thought I was a bitch enough to pull this one off, but it backfired. I was so into it, and now, it's over.

Gademit. Sabi ko na nga ba eh, basta sobrang saya sa una, lubos na kalungkutan ang sumusunod.

Boko...rest in peace.

Boko, Tops, Sher, and Selwyn (at the back)

Around 915am today, I received a text message from an ex-officemate and the message read that Jeff aka Boko has passed away. I was surprised. I didn't know of any ailment or illness that he has. As far as I knew he was healthy, and the last time we chatted he seemed fine. So I texted if she was sure and if it was, how it happened. She replied, he was shot. On the 'floor.' In the head.

A friend said that he fell on my old workstation. He was in a coma since yesterday afternoon, and now, has let go.

I felt the tears in my eyes when the full weight of the realization hit me. He wasn't necessarily my favorite person in the old office but he endeared himself to me because he was open with his life and opinions, he was smart and intelligent, he knew how to make fun of himself, he was always helpful with troubleshooting steps, he was a whiz kid who always loved to share his mind. Boko was a fellow Indian (our batch in the office), a fellow MSN-Direct A-shift teammate, a breakfast buffet enthusiast, a companion when I needed one, and our team's personal sex guru who would candidly answer our questions and would bravely contest our theories and beliefs.

I was reading through his blog, http://spaces.msn.com/members/dicth, and it had only one entry. It was full of sadness and hopelessness.

My eyes are heavy, knowing that I wouldn't be able to chat with him, not seeing him go online forever with his trademark nicks and icons. My heart is heavier that he had to depart in such a gruesome and painful manner. He will be missed, so much.

I offer my sincerest condolences to his family and loved ones. I truly am sorry for what has happened. I know how it feels to lose someone so dear, but I know that your pain is greater. Have faith that his wish of being with his mom has come through. He is at peace.

2004. In retrospect.

The year 2004 has been an awakening of sorts for me. Changes have been constant and I found myself being challenged everyday, to rise up to any occasion.

I made a career move that surprised a lot of people. Hell, I even surprised myself.

I discovered that I have what it takes to be a workaholic. Yikes.

I found myself venturing into 'unknown territories.' I was, for lack of a better word, bold and adventurous.

I've rediscovered my friends, the honest-to-goodness group of friends that I have known for 10 years. And did we take the friendship for a damn, twisted, hip-shaking ride.

I really don't want to be specific but, looking back, I had a beach-ing kick-ass 2004.

Happy New Year!