Monday, January 24, 2005

Stuck in a Moment.

Had a really spaced-out week in the office. Going to work was just surreal. Everything was just a blur. Listening to 80 calls was just a breeze for me, but last week found me lagging behind in the quota. In the middle of the call I'm listening to, I'll have this pang of pain in my chest, so I stop it, and I just have to really, really concentrate not to let the tears fall. And it is so damn hard. Fuck.

Tuesday, the 18th. Woke up in a good mood. Had a really peaceful sleep because of the light load of sorting tasks the day before. Went online and checked stuff. Out of curiousity and, well, the need to torture myself (hehehe!), I checked his Friendster account. I've been checking it ever since we became friends. I know. It's pathetic. Pagbigyan niyo na ako. Tanga eh. So anyway, checked and, did I torture myself. He was In a Relationship, I knew that.

And now has a really long sweet testimonial from his supposed gf.

Did I just torture myself? Oh God.

I wasn't able to read the whole thing, though, because I just felt the tears clogging my vision. I just x-ed out of all the open windows, turned off the connection and shut down my laptop. I just sat there and felt all the bitterness again. At the end of the day, I was resolved that I will not reply to his texts. I will not heed his calls. IF he will text or call. With the way things were going, I wasn't hoping that he would, and the idea struck me just fine because I knew I had to end this, ignore everything, and move on.

Saturday came, and my resolve just dissolved when he texted. Anakanamanngpusa talaga o. Bad trip. And then wala na ulit. Mas bad trip. Punyeta. Iyak uli.

No, I am not in love. I can say that with all honesty. I'm thinking, I must be 'in-love' with the thought that I could be with someone else. Melo, upon finding out from me what happened, asked me straight-faced if I feel used. No, I don't, I quickly replied. The reason I'm crying and the reason why I'm bitter is of my own doing. I don't blame him. I blame myself for believing that I have what it takes to play the game right.

Rose, it's just a game. It's just a fucked-up, no rules game. Wake up and smell the odor of reality.

Ayoko na. Ayoko na. Ayoko na.

Lord, huwag Niyo na siyang ilapit sakin. Habang maaga pa. Please, bulungan Niyo na siya na huwag akong kausapin, hawag nakong kilalanin. Ayoko na eh. Please po.


eventuallypretty said...

shoot rose. are you telling my story?

im checking his friendster acct as of the moment? hahaha...we are such suckers arent we? one of my friends told me na nga "patricia kahit ano pang sabihin ko sa yo, kung gusto mo gusto mo. sana lang magising ka sa katotohanan..."

gising naman ako actually. hindi ko lang binubuksan pa yung mga mata ko.

oh yeah. i cried din the other day. susme :)

lei said...

putik, one woman's story is every woman's story talaga. half hoping he'd text, half wishing he'd stop and free you, knowing he's not for you, knowing there are other women, knowing he's not interested, thinking you can walk away unscathed because after all you know the game, you decide in the game, you make your own game, you get the game. but ninety-nine percent of the time, the game gets you.

yup, i also blame myself.

take care, gals.

... beachfreak said...

@eventuallypretty patty> Oh my goodness twin. Such a hard phase to get through. But we all know the hard truth, it's really up to us to open our eyes and TRULY, clearly see what's in the bigger picture. Maybe I'm in this denial phase...I'm working on acceptance now. :(

@lei> I still believe that women are strong and capable of rising above all their issues. Sometimes pain is an awakening to the realization that there are better things to do than to wallow in the sorrow. Oh well.

Men. Hay.

sachiko said...

Heartaches will make you strong..think positive.. :)

normi said...

i don't wanna go all "aaaw" bec I know you're strong. Ikaw pa. Though time can be fucked up, lalo na yung kaya mo na tapos biglang magpaparamdam. 'nyeta tlga! pero all's good bec in pain and bitterness you learn to love more. Hang in there and inom lang katapat nyan.. tara gimik tayo.. sa kassel nalang ako nakatira ngyaon.. yeba!! *winks*