Had a really spaced-out week in the office. Going to work was just surreal. Everything was just a blur. Listening to 80 calls was just a breeze for me, but last week found me lagging behind in the quota. In the middle of the call I'm listening to, I'll have this pang of pain in my chest, so I stop it, and I just have to really, really concentrate not to let the tears fall. And it is so damn hard. Fuck.
Tuesday, the 18th. Woke up in a good mood. Had a really peaceful sleep because of the light load of sorting tasks the day before. Went online and checked stuff. Out of curiousity and, well, the need to torture myself (hehehe!), I checked his Friendster account. I've been checking it ever since we became friends. I know. It's pathetic. Pagbigyan niyo na ako. Tanga eh. So anyway, checked and, did I torture myself. He was In a Relationship, I knew that.
And now has a really long sweet testimonial from his supposed gf.
Did I just torture myself? Oh God.
I wasn't able to read the whole thing, though, because I just felt the tears clogging my vision. I just x-ed out of all the open windows, turned off the connection and shut down my laptop. I just sat there and felt all the bitterness again. At the end of the day, I was resolved that I will not reply to his texts. I will not heed his calls. IF he will text or call. With the way things were going, I wasn't hoping that he would, and the idea struck me just fine because I knew I had to end this, ignore everything, and move on.
Saturday came, and my resolve just dissolved when he texted. Anakanamanngpusa talaga o. Bad trip. And then wala na ulit. Mas bad trip. Punyeta. Iyak uli.
No, I am not in love. I can say that with all honesty. I'm thinking, I must be 'in-love' with the thought that I could be with someone else. Melo, upon finding out from me what happened, asked me straight-faced if I feel used. No, I don't, I quickly replied. The reason I'm crying and the reason why I'm bitter is of my own doing. I don't blame him. I blame myself for believing that I have what it takes to play the game right.
Rose, it's just a game. It's just a fucked-up, no rules game. Wake up and smell the odor of reality.
Ayoko na. Ayoko na. Ayoko na.
Lord, huwag Niyo na siyang ilapit sakin. Habang maaga pa. Please, bulungan Niyo na siya na huwag akong kausapin, hawag nakong kilalanin. Ayoko na eh. Please po.