Wednesday, May 11, 2005

In Pain But Never Broken.

It's over.

You have left and I am somber...yet I am thankful.

Somber because
you did not get to feel and experience my love and my passion, the taste of my kisses and the warmth of my touch. You passed up the opportunity to have my devotion and my loyalty.
Thankful because now I can heal in peace.

I genuinely cared for you and when you left, nights were spent thinking if you were thinking of me, of what had gone wrong. Days had me dazed and confused. Laughing and smiling began to be a chore rather than a reflex action. I ached for you.
You nearly had me and all you had to do was to extend your hand but a little further.
At one point I felt the need to confront you and the need to hear the truth from you. I wanted closure and I wanted it so bad that the pang of hurt in my chest, sometimes, would make me gasp. There were so many questions which only you can answer. I had faltered in my quest. I was in pain. I was in tears.

But I was never broken. My heart...somewhat, but my character still intact. My spirit stronger.

The pain reminded me of what I had believed then: I still have a life so I have to live it. And I will.

I have realized that I will be fine without you. It was a painful realization. But I knew it was a realization that I have to act out. I have to go through it.
I have to own it, come hell or high water.
No, I am not angry at you...in fact I still care for you. And I don't blame you either for the pain. It was of my own doing. I let it upon myself. I permitted myself to succumb to the calling of my emotions and my needs as a woman.

Maybe, just maybe...someday, I can call you a friend. As of now, I have enough worthy friends to laugh with me through more heartaches and to be with me for 5 lifetimes. I don't need another friend.

I will now smile, everyday, even if I don't feel happy. And I hope that, one day, I will just find myself smiling because I am truly happy.

You will always be a memory and you played a role in my crazy life.
You have come and now you have gone. A closed cycle.

Now, your part in my life is over.

21 comments:

Quentin said...

{ sometimes the water that nourishes us the most are those that fall from our eyes than those that fall from the sky }

here's to angsty, broken-hearted, blog posts all over the world

cheers! :)

... beachfreak said...

Beer pa! Beer pa!

thess said...

someday, you will really smile again..take it from someone who's been there and done that ;)

take care!

mell ditangco (this is my pseudonym) said...

keep moving on... keep on.... :D

Say said...

you're my inspiration mommy rose.. don't worry there are better guys out there.. i know it sounds cliche pero meron din para sayo :)

S M I L E ! :)

love you :)

... beachfreak said...

@thess: thanks, thess. I know this is just a little bump on the road. :D Kaya ko 'to. Hahaha! See ya around =)

@ahia mell: As always, I will keep on. Take care, ahia.

@say: I know that, sweetie. Thanks for letting us drink nung Sunday. Miss ko na si Pareng Empoy. But seriously, thank you. I love you, Say. Mwah! See you soon.

Quentin said...

pansin ko lang, nirereciprocate mo lagi ending note ng mga replies dito. pag take care, take care din, pag lab yu, lab yu din.

o siya lis na ko, ang pogi pogi mo talaga ! :D

barenaked said...

damn girl, damn girl! nice one! u seem to capture the essence of my being when i was in the same stage as yours...relate na relate ako...keep it up, girl! don't worry, makakahanap din tayo ng katapat natin someday. :)

Tanda said...

Excruciating grabe... Had been there too before I met my bf.. and all I can say now buti nag-end yung mga past. Cheers! =)

cyberpunk said...

hi, LOTS OF LUCK sa iyong lovelife (hay, men can be such pigs at times no?)...anyway, concentrate ka na lang muna sa iyong mga pets...bukod sa mas cute sila, unconditionally loving pa :)

... beachfreak said...

@quentin: Talagang pinansin mo ah. Siyempre. Ang ganda mo! ;)

@barenaked aka jill: Yeah, I know dadating din siya. Guess he's just taking his sweet time =)

@Tanda: Thanks. I've been in this situation oh-so-many-times already. And it always feels like it's the first time you got hurt. :( But I'll pull through. =)

@cyberpunk: I'm getting the Persian cat soon *love* Cannot wait to have him with me. Haaay. And yes, animals are waaaaaaay cuter than men. Grr.

etryer said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
lei said...

all is nothing without the pain.

take care! :)

normi said...

Pain, as I've always believed, completes the recipe of love. Masokista mang pakinggan, mas masarap magmahal kung masakit. You have loved Mommy Rose and you have loved completely, I can attest to that.

One pain is enough for a love that was never reciprocated. His loss, not yours, remember that. He can never leave you broken, because the pain he caused only made you stronger, wiser, and more beautiful.

Cheers to love and pain! And cheers to you because you are exquisitely a woman.;)

... beachfreak said...

@lei: That I know. Hay. I'm not miserable, maybe a little angst-y, but NEVER miserable. The next ride will be worth it. Thanks lei!
Ingat!

@normi: I braced myself at the beginning. But it seems you're always NOT ready for the pain. It surprises you. You're caught off guard. I still see him, we work in the same building. I always move away from him, never letting him see me.

Thnaks Normi! I love you, anak. I miss you. Inuman na ito.

eventuallypretty said...

hay twinnie. our story unfolded. i hope i heal, without much scars. sana maka-smile na rin tayo. one big genuine smile.

im still looking for my closure.

tins said...

oh honey! that was a beautiful post. why do we usually write exceptionally beautiful when we're at our saddest times?

well, i was in the same boat also not too long ago. and it was a hard struggle.there are still bit of denial and hurt once in while but after 6 mos, i could say i survived the tsunami in my life.

you sound really strong and in focus. i guess that what matters now..real peace and happiness come only with an open acceptance what is reality today..You are better off without him dear.

stay positive. love will come at its sweetest time.

cool blog. take care sweetie.

::hunnytin.blogspot.com

... beachfreak said...

@twinnie: scars will remain but those scars will define how beautiful and special and strong we are. scars are not ugly.

oh no. on the contraire. =)

... beachfreak said...

@tins: Thanks for dropping by.

I smile and laugh with gusto now. Not as much as before, but I'm getting there.

For me, he was worth every tear.

I guess, maybe, he just found someone who was worth more than I.

But he will never find someone who can make him happy as I could've.

Shoot. *bitter-alert* Haha.

Life has never been this good!!! said...

That is what i call purest of pain. I can feel the pain in you.

Girl, you need to move on. I admire your courage, it's not easy to be left hanging and wondering what happens now?

... beachfreak said...

@applejane: I'm moving on. I still ache for him but now I know he's not coming back and that's enough reason for me not to waste my time and energy pining for him.

It's not easy but, hey, there's no way around it.

Ingat!