Sunday, November 27, 2005

No regrets.

Earlier today, a classmate of mine from Maestro Ryan Cayabyab's school of music and I met up. We haven't seen each other for awhile so we had a lot of things to catch up on. When she found out that my long-term relationship has gone kaput, I thought she was going to cry. She then asked - no -- she demanded how was I able to sustain a 6-year relationship? I was actually silent for, like, 10 seconds. She laughed out loud at my silence, cursing me that it was in bad taste I had to think. She and her man have just been together for 3 months and, like any new couple, would like to 'spend the rest of our lives together.'

Was it that easy for the both of us to just part ways and live individually? Hell, no. It's never easy. My nephews would always look for him, always asking if Tito will bring food or new games for the PS. My mom, during the first few weeks, would often slip and ask/tell me things: if he was still sleeping wake him up para mag-almusal; baka ma-late sa work; what time darating for dinner; pupunta ba for lunch...

Repeat after me: It's never easy.
Did we see it coming: to last this long only to break up? No. I've always thought that he would be the man I would marry. The man who would be the father of my children. I still remember a night, two or three years ago, before going to sleep, I told him I missed my period. He immediately had a big grin on his face then he asked me, 'When do we announce it? Nasaan yung phone ko...' His disappointment was evident when my period came 3 days later.

I loved him more after that.

She asked me, 'How can you let go of a 6-year old relationship?' Paano nga ba? Hehe. It was not easy. We tried really hard to make it work. But neither of us was growing. And growth in a relationship, well, you get the picture.

We grew apart. We talked about it, and he did accept his faults. I admitted my own faults as well. He cried. I cried. He wanted to hold on to what was left. I was torn between getting what I truly deserved and hanging on to what was left of a once-passion-laden, fiery-manic-driven 6-year love affair.
He took me for granted; I was tired of making him realize that.
He was contented with his life: laid-back and no worries. I am ambitious and I crave for challenges.
He wanted to stay behind me; I needed him to be beside me. It was my desire that if I was on my way up, so was he. With me.

But no regrets.

6 years was spent loving and caring for a wonderful man who devoted his whole being to loving me and caring for me. I was blessed to have met a man who was able to accept all of me. I consider myself lucky, until now, that I was loved completely by a man so gentle and kind. He took care of me when I found myself sick in my bed or ill at the hospital. He stood by and with me through the tougher times.

Cried with me, played with me, held my hand, made me smile.

Most importantly, he showed me a glimpse of what kind of woman I can become.

Eventhough we have parted ways, and have hurt each other without knowing it, 6 years is still 6 years. And was it some kind of ride.

I despise the circumstance of why we had to end it but there are things that you simply cannot change.


aajao said...

pucha. sometimes i think if not letting go COMPLETELY and SLOWLY moving on is stupidity. i feel the same with my ex. aarrghhh!

... beachfreak said...

@aajao: Haha. Ganyan talaga. It's been a year, almost, that we broke up. We still talk and we still text just to check up on things. It's funny when we go out with friends and people ask why we aren't seating beside each other or why he's not the one taking me home. Hay. It's damn hard to explain to people. :lol:

jiggybabymiggz said...

I think we are on the same boat. Almost 5 years and gone kaput in just a couple of text messages. Except I was the guy.

... beachfreak said...

@jiggybabymiggz: I just read your entry and I must say, yes, you and my-then-man were on the same boat.

But as I said, there are things you simply cannot change.

Good luck.

boysarcastic said...

aaaw! i agree, "there are things you simply cannot change." no matter how hard u try.... huhuhu.

i just wish we dont have the ability to romaticize the past.

goodluck!!! ;-)

... beachfreak said...

@boysarcastic: thanks for dropping by. Oh geez, 'romanticize the past'... how true.

Anne said...

rosey rosey rosey all i can do is sigh ( & here's a hug too) i firmly believe that you're super smart, i believe you guys made the right decision... it's good that you don't regret anything cos it is only then that you can say you have lived your life to the fullest.

boyelroy said...

^^^wow, anne ur here! wala lang.

tama rosey! cheers!

... beachfreak said...

@anne: *hugs back anne*
There are things that I regret for fleeting moment but when I think of all the lessons I've learned, everything comes into perspective.

I've made mistakes, and I'm still making mistakes. But I'm not afraid.


... beachfreak said...

@boyelroy: Shoot. Sorry, skipped you, boyelroy. Huwaaaaat? No link? Namaneh.

barenaked said...

whoa! 6 years? kelan kaya ako magkakaroon ng ganyang relationship? puro short term mga akin eh. sigh.

going back to your entry, ganun talaga ang buhay. you win some, you lose some.who knows baka si twisted sunshine pala ang katapat mo? hehe! ;)

... beachfreak said...

@jill: Waaaaaaaah! Jill namaneh. Unti-unti ko nang iniiwasan si twisted sunshine. I know he doesn't feel the same way and I'm the only one who's pining... sad but i'm coping. And I'll get by. Miss ko na nga siya sobra... :'(

viva la pigarotti! said...

reading your entry just made me feel... "haay.." :(

you're a toughie! :)

... beachfreak said...

@pigarotti: It's sad, no? But, still, no regrets.

Hey, I love your magic videos :lol: