Played.

Let me tell you something about myself:

I've been known, well, by close friends, to skip certain levels when 'forming' a relationship with the opposite sex. Think what you want, I don't care. That's the way I am. I don't exactly conform with the norm, if you know what I mean. I'm not a rare specie though, there are others like me, male and female. We have this way of thinking: if there's a connection, if there's a spark, let's take it for a ride and see where it takes us. Simple.

We get burned. Hell yes, we do. It hurts but you just get up, brush the dirt off, and hope you play the game right come the next round. Again, simple. I was having fun as a single woman who has just got out of a 6-year relationship. I was dating again.

I was on the right track. For awhile I was dating this guy I met online.

The conversation was always enlightening.

But I couldn't stand being lied to. I cut off the relationship as soon as I found out that he was already committed. I know...I know...I was sooo tempted to pull a few strings to see if I could wrest him away but I'm a woman too. Naagawan na rin ako: no woman deserves to go through the pain. So, instead, I stopped replying to his texts, to his calls, to his IMs. By the 2nd week of January, I was back in the game. I was alright.

But I didn't want to rush things again. I didn't go out on dates for a while but had week-end beach trips, out-of town barbecue get-togethers, chill-out and clubbing nights with my ever-dependable college friends.

Then I met another guy online.

As I said, I wasn't really 'looking' at that point. I was contented. I was happy. I took him as a pleasant surprise. He posted a sweet message in my blog. He sent me a message in Friendster, as well as in the forum where we post. We met, we were yosi partners for a number of times. We talked on the phone until the wee hours of the morning. He texted me what he felt (or what I think he felt at that time). I wasn't much of a believer of sweet-talk, I didn't have much patience for that. But I found myself wanting to believe what he said. I did admit to him that I liked him as well. Yet, I wanted to take this slow. I wanted to go through all the levels. I said to myself, I want to do this right. But somewhere along the way, it didn't turn out the way I planned.

After a few weeks, his texts stopped. I heard nothing from him. Other than the occasional quotes: no sweetness, no spark. I did text him, I think once or twice, just to ask him what was going on but he didn't reply.

I have a feeling he never will.

Now, I'm afraid of being 'stuck in a moment.' Again. Was it my fault? Did I take my time -- unwisely? Was it something I said? Was it something I did or something I did not do?

My best male friend said I was played. Was I? That most probably he has found someone else.

Yeah, most probably. And for all it's worth: I hope, for his happiness.

For me, the shit has hit the fan.

Just when I was taking things slowly, just when something was going right in my life, when everything was going my way...

I, indeed, found myself on the wrong fucking lane.

Of Queers and Friends.

In my entry yesterday, I posted that I wasn't able to go to Raffy's gig in BF, and since he made my Thursday afternoon hell by texting me all sort of things and making me guilty, I made a promise to go with him to his gig last night, Maundy Thursday, at BED in Malate. Met up with him at around 12mn at Bryan's place in Kamagong. When I arrived Raffy, Kuya Adi (Bryan's older bro), and Tito Greg (the Malantic bros daddy groovy) were watching 24 season 2. Since Raffy will not be spinning until 2am, we watched and made tambay muna until 1:30am. Before 2am, we were in Malate.

It was deserted:

Well, of course, what did I expect on a Maundy Thursday, right? Geez. Anyway, went inside BED and it was full. The Malate people were already inside. And, may I say, that I felt absolutely safe inside. It was full of queers. Don't get me wrong, I love my gay friends and gay people in general: stylish, go-getters, creative geniuses.

Now, girls, heave a sigh and just think: If only they were real men. Dammit.

Anyway, the place was cozy, much like Government, but a little bit smaller. And I loved the love seats. Stupid me didn't take a pic but it was really uber cool. It was like they bored a big hole in the wall, padded it with really nice, red leather cushions. It was wide enough to have 2 people lie side by side. The ultimate making-out seat. Now if they'll just install a curtain... hmm...

Got some beers from the bar, of course, complimentary, 3 drinks each kami ni Bogus. Yay! Met DJ Toy Armada, who is really really cute but gay :( He was dishing out vocal house mixes which the gay crowd absolutely loved. Have I ever mentioned that gay people are such good dancers? Grabe. Crazy.

By 2:30am, it was Raffy's turn. He just played for an hour because, after all, it was Good Friday. People were going home na rin.

After his BED gig, iinom pa sana kami but then we decided to just take a road trip The Fort. Paikot-ikot, smoking, while discussing major issues in our lives. Talking about his future as a dad and husband, talking about my realizations about men and marriage. Now, debates between us are expected. It's part of being friends, I guess. Hindi kumpleto ang pag-bonding namin kung walang debate. Raffy is one of the few people who know everything about me and vice versa, kaya alam niya paano ako sagutin, ganun din ako sa kanya. I'm one of the 3 girls he calls his 'bombo radyo angels', and he is our 'pimp daddy'. He was the first one to know na single nako ulit after 6 years and the hell I've been through, and I was the first to know that he was going to be a dad and the hell he's been through as well. Haaay.

You wouldn't want to know the things I would go through for my friends.

When we were waiting outside my house for me to be let in, I gave him a short speech. I told him: I know that he is happy and kung saan siya masaya, suporta lang ako sa kanya. I may not always agree with his decisions and choices (girls, love, life in general), and I may get angry and be insensitive at times, pero, sino ba naman ang magdadamayan kungdi kaming mga magkakaibigan.

All of us have been friends for over 10 years now and we've taken the friendship to a whole new level. We're like family.

Come to think of it, we are family.

Just dinner.

Currently listening to AkaFellas. I love their style and their songs. Astig sobra. I miss watching them at Dish. Kailan kaya susunod...

Anyway, long weekend ito. I can't wait to beach myself. Was supposed to go to Raffy's gig last night at Rafs77 in BF South (@mpot@h, ang layo kasi eh...), but had no car and had to do overtime ng 1 hour. I missed the oysters na naman. Grr. I thought I was going to be home early, around 1:30am, but just when I was musing on what to do once I get home, I got a text from the Badboy himself (hm-hm...Raffy, 'wag na mag-react...). Asking if I was home and if I had plans. Told him I was still in the office. He texted that he was in the Makati area and was wondering if I wanted to have a really late dinner with him, his treat. I was hesitant to text back, but as if he was reading my mind, he texted as pahabol: Just dinner, that's it. Ü I had to laugh at that hirit. Said sure, picked me up at Valero after 15 minutes, then went off to meet his friends in Hap Chan/g in Makati Ave.

It has been awhile since I last ate at Hap Chan. Cousins and I would always have our 'merienda' there after going to Baclaran Church every Wednesday ng madaling araw.

Food was still very good, and the conversation, that 2am, was even better. It was just like when we first met: no hassles, no pretentions, no hang-ups. But this time, I felt nothing: no physical attraction, no urge to kiss him, no 'want' to be with him. This was good. I realized I have walked away from that. Wow.

After an hour, he asked if I wanted to drink, we could go somewhere else. As much as I wanted to 'rhum coke therapy' the confusion for the past weeks, I declined. No shit. I can almost hear my friends: Atta'girl!

Hehehe. So he took me home, played a round of billiards (which he won... malamang), yosi, coffee, kwento. He went home around 5am.

As the song goes, I remember the boy but I don't remember the feeling anymore. Ü

And to Boracay I will go.

Will be going to Boracay on April 7-10.

OMG. I'm going and I can't back out now. Whew. I'm going back to the original Island of Sin. Hahhaha! It'll be an all-girls beach trip: Me, Mayette, Mishee, Say, Tricia, Aira. Yikes. 5 single girls (except for Tricia, Dada Ryan, will be going to Bora as well). I'm sure it'll be a blast but past trips have been... hmm... for lack of a better word... noteworthy.

I wasn't actually going. I backed out a week ago because of a family thingie that I had to go to. My mind was set, and my money safe in the bank.

But all changed yesterday.

Mayette texted that she, along with Tricia, Say, and Abbey, were going malling and asked if I wanted to come along. Hmm. Wasn't really planning on going out. I was keen on finishing Sophie Kinsella's 'Shopaholic & Sister' which I bought 2 weeks ago. But my 'shopping is better than sex' philosophy (of course, unless someone is good enough to change this philosophy of mine...) got the better of me, so I met them at Teriyaki Boy in Glorietta at around 7pm. After dinner, the shopping started: for the Bora trip. Argh. Again, my mind was set. I still bought some things though, and took note of others that I would come back for in the next couple of weeks. Finished shopping at around 11:00pm.

While on our way to the carpark, Mishel texted that she was with April in Pier 1, The Fort (***April, a fellow green pepper, who went to live in Australia and is back in Manila for a vacation until April 30.) We decided to drop by Pier 1 to surprise April since she had no idea that we were coming. And she was. She even cried to prove it. Hehehe.

April was one of the girls that I was really close to in the squad during my trainor days. She lived in JP Rizal and since I pass there for home, she would always hitch a ride with me. And during those 20-30 minute car ride, we'd talk about anything. She'd make kwento about her life, I'd do the same. We'd philosophize on certain topics until our nose bled. :lol: I felt really sad when she had to leave for Australia. The pep lost one of its best flyers, and she was just a few terms away from graduation!

Back to Pier 1. Ordered a rhum and coke and proceeded to listen to them discuss Bora. Picked on the sisig. Then they started to beg. Oh, geez. Here we go.

My closest friends know that to get me to say 'Yes' to something, they have to really make me lambing. And these girls were good at it. They should be, they learned from me.

And so, after showing me fluttering eyelids and 'puppy' looks, I said yes. Since I had enough money on me (because of the shopping spree), I handed Mishel the downpayment for the plane fare, ika-nga ni Mishel 'para wala ng urungan.' Shit. I thought 'My mom is going to go ballistic.' (**Update: Actually, she didn't. She even said that I needed a real vacation since I've been such a workaholic.) =)

After computing for Bora expenses and stuff, we started talking about the 'good stuff' daw: our sex-capades and love lives. We haven't been able to talk about things for a long time now since when we get together it's usually at a club where it'll be too noisy, and we'll be too busy dancing. Since we were all single again, well, except Tricia, it was great catching up on the real stories of the 'break-ups,' dating disasters and successes. It was hilarious talking about our favorite positions, expressions, ambiance, etc. Who did this better? Who did that twice? Who had the nicest skin and flawless butt? What 'buttons' to push and when to push them?

Went home at around, oh, past 3am. Right, not planning to go out pala, ah?

Oh well, it's just one of those nights. It's all g-double o-d good.

And I think and am sure, 1 or 2 of the girls were enlightened by the discussion. Hahaha.

Wounds.

I still remember the night my mom and I had a long talk. My sister was away on a mission ata, so I slept with my mom in her room.

My mom, when we sleep beside her, gusto niya holding hands, so I was groping around for her hand under the sheets and when I tried to grasp it, I felt that she was holding onto something like paper. I asked her what it was and she said it was a picture of my dad. (That was the time I was having issues with my work in the government.) She said that she has been holding onto it every night eversince my 'problem' started, and if my dad was alive, he would be doing everything to help me win the 'war'. She said how my dad loved me so much more than anyone else, more than her. She said I look so much like my dad, even my personality. She reminded me my dad had only 2 pictures in his office; a family portrait on the wall and a picture of me on his desk. And if my dad only knew how much pain his dream was causing me, he wouldn't have pushed me on. Then she started to cry.

I have never felt so helpless in my entire life. Seeing my mom cry tore my heart to pieces. I was going through some difficult time myself but my pain was nothing compared to what my mom felt in her heart. She quietly said that wala na siyang hihintayin umuwi pag gabi, wala na siyang ipaghahain, hindi na niya makakatabi sa pagtulog ang daddy ko. That was when I started to cry as well. I held on to her like any child would do. We tried to let the tears wash the pain away temporarily.

I was reminded of this just the other night when I came home. I saw my dad's picture, the same picture my mom was holding onto 5 years ago when we had the talk, placed on my pillow.

I know that it was not my mom's intent to make me cry. Far from it, I know. But I now find myself crying for a while before I fall to sleep, thinking of my dad or whoever, or whatever.

I still feel the sting of the deep wound, but I’m used to the pain now. Time made sure of that.

Sex and Tissue.

I'm pissed tonight so forgive me if I blabber about some things which are nonsensical, if there is such a fucking word. My mind is at its breaking point and I just need to let out a few good rants.

If you may....

Rant #1: Now, why do men think that you are easy when you, a woman, openly discuss sex with them?

When I openly discuss sex with you, it does not mean that I want to do you.

When I openly discuss sex with you it does not mean I want you as a fubu.

When I openly discuss sex with you it does not mean I want to get laid.

When I openly discuss sex with you it does not mean that we could get a sleazy room and shack until kingdom come.

Yes, I did say that I crave for intellectually-stimulating conversations.

Yes, I did say that sex is a good topic for one.

But don't get me wrong; if you are looking for a lay, you ain't gonna get any from me.

You want a piece of me? You're going to have to do more ---- much much more than have a sexually-oriented conversation with me. Get my drift?

Geez, get a life, dude.

***(Will have a full-blown, pun intended, entry on this one of these days...)

Rant #2: You know those circular tissue dispensers that holds those humungous rolls of tissue placed inside the comfort room cubicle? You know those? Huge, right? And they're somewhat thick, right? [Oh God, am I really talking about the tissue holder or something else...mwahahahaha!] Well, they placed one in each of the cubicles in the girls comfort room in the office. Fine. It's all good, I mean, any piss-ass girl would be thankful for the bountiful supply of tissue in the cubicle. God forbid it runs out. Ack.

Now ever since those tissue holders were placed, I've had to contort my body in such a way so that I can get in and out of the fucking cubicle.

Imagine this...You open the door of the cubicle 'pa-loob' and it almost, I say it again, almost, touches the edge of the toilet bowl. You with me? Okay. You have to step inside sideways so you can fit towards the left of the toilet bowl so you can close the freaking door. Now, you have your back against the wall. Oh, oh! Let me correct meself: You have your ass against the wall while you are slightly bent over because the gudamn circular tissue dispenser is in the way. All good? Goody. So you do your thing, and all that shit; pun not intended. Done deal. You have just enough room to fix yourself, thank God. So now you have to get out. You just go through the procedure but start from the left side of the bowl, ass against the wall, door touches the bowl and you exit sideways thingie. Ugh.

Bullshit.

Rant #3: If everything is going your way, chances are you are in the wrong lane.

Go figure.

Lech.

I must be fly.

I discovered India.Arie a couple of months ago while listening to Yahoo! LaunchCast. And I was blown away with her songs, lyrics and simple soul. I'm not a music critic nor an audiophile, far from it. But India.Arie caught me off guard. Her songs are so relaxing and subtle. The last time I felt this way about music was with Zhane's repertoire.

Let me share an India.Arie song...

The Truth

Let me tell you why I love him

Cause' he is the truth

Said he is so real

And I love the way he makes me feel.

And if I am a reflection of him then,

I must be fly cause he's light, it shines so bright, I wouldn't lie.

I remember the very first day that I saw him.

I found myself immediately intrigued by him.

It's almost like I knew this man from another life.

Like back then maybe I was his husband and maybe he was my wife.

And even the things I don't like about him are fine with me,

because it's not hard for me to understand him because he's so much like me.

And it's truly my pleasure to share his company,

and I know that its God's gift to breathe the air he breathes.

Cause' he is the truth

Said he is so real

And I love the way he makes me feel.

And if I am a reflection of him then,

I must be fly cause he's light, it shines so bright, I wouldn't lie.

How can the same man that makes me so mad,

Turn right around and kiss me so soft.

If he ever left me I wouldn't even be sad, no

Cause there's a blessing in every lesson. And I'm glad that I knew him at all.

Cause' he is the truth

Said he is so real

And I love the way he makes me feel.

And if I am a reflection of him then,

I must be fly cause he's light, it shines so bright, I wouldn't lie.

I love the way he speaks I love the way he thinks

I love the way that he treats his mama

I love that gap in between his teeth

I love him in every way that a woman can love a man

From personal to universal but most of all it's unconditional.

You know what I'm talking about

That's the way I feel and I always will

There ain't no substitute for the truth, either it is or it isn't

Cause' he is the truth.
You see the truth it needs no proof.

Either it is or it isn't.

Cause' he is the truth.

Now you know the truth by the way it feels.

And if I am a reflection of him, then I must be fly. Cause he is, yes he is.

I wonder does he know.

Signs.

1am. I've got to sleep but I can't. I have to be awake by 6am to arrive at 7:30am in our offices in Eastwood for training. I cannot absolutely wait for Thursday when I'll be back to my 11pm to 8am shift. Naman.

The reason I'm still awake is: I'm thinking. Hahaha. Palagi naman eh.

I was offered an advertising job in Singapore by my cousin's best friend. I was, err, still am contemplating on accepting it, but not as seriously as a couple of weeks ago. I don't know. I'm at a crossroads, I think.

To go or not to go.

A good friend, Lady, is actually moving there this year. At least if I do decide to accept the offer, I'll have someone to make tambay and have night-outs with.

The offer was actually made a month and a few days ago to this day. I was having dinner with my cousins and some friends when Henry, my cousin's best friend, asked me if I wanted to go to Singapore to work for/with him. At that time, it really was an opportunity which was too good to be true. I wanted to get away, and he was giving me that chance. Although I said I'll think about it, I was actually tempted to say 'Yes!' right at that moment Henry made the offer.

But I have been pondering, again, really hard for the past week and I'm just waiting for a sign. Yikes, sign daw. *gulp*

Yes, honey, a sign. Grrr. Whatever sign that may be. I don't know.

I have until the end of March to give my decision to Henry, who is a Fil-Chi who has been living in Singapore for 10 years now. He has established himself as a tycoon of sorts in The Lion City. He called me just a few minutes ago to say that if I want to, I can visit him this weekend to get a feel of the city. Hmm.

It's no easy task, weighing and taking everything into consideration. I know for a fact that 'living alone' would not pose any problems for me, my independent nature would immediately kick in, I'm sure of that. What's killing me is that I'll be living alone so far away from the people I love and want to be with.

Oh man, the thought.

I also remember Henry, finding out that I am a beach freak, injected that Singapore has a wonderful-as-heaven white sand beach: Sentosa, which he said '...you'd absolutely love.' Hahaha.

Smart guy. That's the ticket: Appeal to my senses.

Of Waves and Rhum Cokes.

***Yes, yes, I know that this entry is long overdue. I ask for your forgiveness, soul sister. But here it is. Kahit late ng 1 buwan. Bwahahaha! Ahlabshoo Mayette!


Went to La Union with my soul sister, Mayette, for a beach-ing and surfing weekend last Feb 5-6. Mayette has been surfing for like 2 months now and I was really keen on learning how to myself.

Anyway, I had my work schedule changed Friday (Feb 4) so that I went to work 2pm to 11pm. Went home to get my things and do some last-minute packing, then met Mayette at Partas Station in Aurora. The bus left at around 1:30am, mag-2am na rin yun siguro. We arrived at San Juan at around 5:45am, just grabbed a quick breakfast at Burger Machine then we tried to look for Surf Camp, which was supposed to be the meeting place of surfers from all over the world. Spent an hour looking for the gudamn place. When we peeked at the beach, we were disappointed to see a lot of rocks protruding on the beach and near the shore. Definitely not the place for beginners like me. So we hurriedly left and decided to just stay at German Sunset resort (where Mayette and some foreigner friends stayed a few weeks earlier). Great place. Simple, clean, friendly staff, good food and nice crowd. Yan, the owner, is German who married a Filipina. Mayette pala texted a few days before to reserve a room for us. Smart girl.

Mayette and I peeked at the beach…and we knew we were home.

Anyway, since it was early and the waves were too small for surfing we caught some shut-eye and then woke up at around 12nn. Ate lunch and then headed for the beach. Still small waves.

Beached ourselves near the water, and started talking about the things we miss the most and all the stories that we haven’t shared with one another. Although we just went out the Saturday before, we didn’t get the chance to really catch up on things. After an hour, still small waves. We swam for an hour or so and then went back to shore. Got rhum cokes from the resort bar and some chips and bonded some more. After awhile we just caught ourselves staring out to sea and being overwhelmed by the scenery before us. It was a comfortable silence. After a few minutes, Mayette asked if I wanted to try to ride a board. Ride a board? Small waves? But what the heck?! Mayette retrieved Big Berta, this long board which she had used before, and then proceeded to teach me. Ang hirap pala. Langya.

* Dapa sa board, then paddle.
* Kneel then anchor yourself. Anchoring is like when you lunge but your weight should be at the back leg and foot placed near the fin. It’s like getting ready for a race…gets?
* Balance, stand up, ride the wave, and stay on!

Astig. Too bad the waves were really small so I didn’t really get the feel of ‘surfing’ a real wave. At least was able to balance and stand. The benefits of being a gymnast and a cheerleader. Haha! By 6:30pm we decided to bid the beach goodbye. Showered, and then to the bar we went for dinner and drinks. Met some surfer dudes and then just made tambay and kwento and more kwento. Mayette and I had around 4 or 5 rhum cokes. Pagdating ng 1am, we were pooped. Said ciao to our new friends and promised to see them in the morning for quality surfing time.

Sunday, woke at around 9am. And bummer of all bummers, still no waves. Argh. Sa sobrang desperado namin, we just paddled, swam and got ourselves a tan. There were some surfers paddling their boards out to sea as well, again, out of desperation siguro. Haha! Hay naku. Naks, parang hindi namin ginawa yun. Haha!

We had to check out by 12:30pm so by 11am we gathered our stuff and then made our way to the resort for a German lunch and fix ourselves for the trip back home to Manila. Rode a jeep to the city proper which was a good 15 minutes. The jeep had to take a different route and would not pass the Partas station so we just alighted on a corner and then proceeded to walk to the bus station. But as usual, our kakulitan got the better of us. We chanced upon this Chinese temple (Ma-Cho Chinese Temple) across the road. We just exchanged looks and we were off towards it. We took pictures and pictures and then we made a short video since I had my handycam with me. Laugh trip sobra. After spending, ooooh, around 45 minutes there, we went off to the bus station. Habang naglalakad, we were saying mukha kaming mga turista in our backpacks and hipbags. :lol:

By 10pm or 11pm we were back in Manila.

Back to reality. Ugh.

Of Straight Shifts and Teddies.

Straight shift = 18 hours in the office. Working. Just working.

12:43pm. Started work at 12mn for my Thursday shift. It's now Friday, 12:43pm. And now I'm dead tired. And I have 6 more evals to make. ARGH. My table is a mess. Papers strewn all over the desk. Pens and markers here and there. Celphone won't stop ringing and flashing. And horror of all horrors, I just got the error message that the computer is low on system resources and will need to be restarted. Aaaaano baaaaaaaaa?! I've been interrupted from work 7 times...by 7 different people...with 1 concern.

Yes, I tried to get some shut-eye in the lounge, that was around 1:50pm. But to my utter dismay, the same time I dropped myself on a vacant Laz-y boy, someone immediately started snoring. Oh, no, I meant SNOOOOOOOOORING. Gademit.


I miss my bed. I miss my fluffy pillows. I miss my teddy bears, Fitzimmons and Kipling. I miss my cat who'll curl up beside me when I sleep. Hell, I even miss my intercom which I have to take off the hook so no one can disturb me while I fall in slumber.

6:58pm. Met up with Eric in Seattle's since he offered to take me home. By 8:00pm I was already in my room. Was so damn tired I just laid on my bed for a while without taking my Trets off. After a minute of peace and quiet, at last, I heard it: the sound of small Birkenstocks on our narra stairs, growing heavier and coming closer...and then I realized I didn't lock the freaking door. Damn.

My nephews were on me in a second. 3-year old Raymund came from behind, dived on top of me, then 7-year old Dominic dived next, pinning me to my bed like a wrestler would on tv. They were laughing and tickling me the whole time. Had tears in my eyes after pleading for them to stop. They just positioned themselves in my bed, sandwiching me. Sleep again evaded me. Oh well. And did I say I was dead tired?

Tiredness all gone.

Uber joy. Just lying in bed with my two favorite men.