Monday, March 28, 2005


Let me tell you something about myself:

I've been known, well, by close friends, to skip certain levels when 'forming' a relationship with the opposite sex. Think what you want, I don't care. That's the way I am. I don't exactly conform with the norm, if you know what I mean. I'm not a rare specie though, there are others like me, male and female. We have this way of thinking: if there's a connection, if there's a spark, let's take it for a ride and see where it takes us. Simple.

We get burned. Hell yes, we do. It hurts but you just get up, brush the dirt off, and hope you play the game right come the next round. Again, simple. I was having fun as a single woman who has just got out of a 6-year relationship. I was dating again.

I was on the right track. For awhile I was dating this guy I met online.

The conversation was always enlightening.

But I couldn't stand being lied to. I cut off the relationship as soon as I found out that he was already committed. I know...I know...I was sooo tempted to pull a few strings to see if I could wrest him away but I'm a woman too. Naagawan na rin ako: no woman deserves to go through the pain. So, instead, I stopped replying to his texts, to his calls, to his IMs. By the 2nd week of January, I was back in the game. I was alright.

But I didn't want to rush things again. I didn't go out on dates for a while but had week-end beach trips, out-of town barbecue get-togethers, chill-out and clubbing nights with my ever-dependable college friends.

Then I met another guy online.

As I said, I wasn't really 'looking' at that point. I was contented. I was happy. I took him as a pleasant surprise. He posted a sweet message in my blog. He sent me a message in Friendster, as well as in the forum where we post. We met, we were yosi partners for a number of times. We talked on the phone until the wee hours of the morning. He texted me what he felt (or what I think he felt at that time). I wasn't much of a believer of sweet-talk, I didn't have much patience for that. But I found myself wanting to believe what he said. I did admit to him that I liked him as well. Yet, I wanted to take this slow. I wanted to go through all the levels. I said to myself, I want to do this right. But somewhere along the way, it didn't turn out the way I planned.

After a few weeks, his texts stopped. I heard nothing from him. Other than the occasional quotes: no sweetness, no spark. I did text him, I think once or twice, just to ask him what was going on but he didn't reply.

I have a feeling he never will.

Now, I'm afraid of being 'stuck in a moment.' Again. Was it my fault? Did I take my time -- unwisely? Was it something I said? Was it something I did or something I did not do?

My best male friend said I was played. Was I? That most probably he has found someone else.

Yeah, most probably. And for all it's worth: I hope, for his happiness.

For me, the shit has hit the fan.

Just when I was taking things slowly, just when something was going right in my life, when everything was going my way...

I, indeed, found myself on the wrong fucking lane.


Anonymous said...

oh dear! same here, i'm a non-conformist too, hehe! that's probably the reason why i love reading your blogs. parang nakikita ko din yung sarili ko sa iyo somehow.


... beachfreak said...

@barenaked: We're kin! Hehe. Being a non-conformist has taught me so many things. And I've experienced quite a number of things that I may not have ventured into if I lived 'by the rules'. It's harder, we have to admit that, and the pain is very much at its most bitter. Weird noh? But it's the price we have to pay. I'm not complaining. :D See you in your blog! ;)

kat said...

Goodness, I can relate. When I started to show that I was beginning to like him more than as a friend, he began to back off. Damn. He was a great guy pa naman. :p Hi Rose!

... beachfreak said...

@kat: Hanlabo diba?! Men. Can't figure them out. Leche. =) Miss you, Kat!

Quentin said...

it's kind of my case most of the time: I take time to know the girl regardless if the connection is immediately apparent or not. I prefer the normal way (although not the normal courtship sense), and I take precautions, but not overly cautious, if it is a fleeting thing for both of us or what not. Yet with all the thought-out moves and words, nothing can ever prepare me for what the other party was thinking and *not* saying. We can't be mind readers. We can only make ourselves be read. Either that or you play guessing games o_O Guess the only redeeming factor in there was that we were true to ourselves. Phooey *hehe, magsulat ba ng essay?*

... beachfreak said...

@quentin: I get what you're saying. Sometimes I really wish that we could read each other's minds, but that would take out the "fun" in the game, right? Oh well. He wasn't into me. I can see that now.

And to think that he had me. He actually had me. =( Oh well.

La Solipsista said...

I've found that whether I'm rushing or taking my time, the universe will always intervene. There's no rhyme or reason to it - it's just the way the world is. You've got a great spirit, keep doing what you're doing, and you'll find peace on the journey. :)

... beachfreak said...

@la solipsista: "...the universe will always's just the way the world is.' OMG. I should feel so bitter towards the universe then. :lol: But seriously, yes, I agree with that and I realized it the hard way.

And I've always believed that it's the journey which really makes life worth living, the destination is just a 'come-on.'

Thanks, la solipsista. ;)

Quentin said...

there's actually a counter philosophy to that, where you can uncanningly predict what your man/woman is thinking using gender-based characteristics, like the much abused line that men just want sex and women are all in it for the emotions. that all this love thingie is just an elaborate dance to prepare for the next screw.

btw, nice siamese cat. me luv meows :3

sirensinister said...

"I, indeed, found myself on the wrong fucking lane"

Don't we all at some point? just take it easy... circumstance has a twisted path.

as for bora you will enjoy it! I did. Just had some misadventures witht he people i've encountered thats all. :P

baboinsking said...

oooohhhh! malabo talaga ang buhay. very unpredictable. ako nga hanggang ngayon nabibigla sa mga ginagawa ko.. go figure na lang kung ano yung mga yun.. :) :) :)

... beachfreak said...

@Quentin: That's Peachy, a Siamese cat I gave 'superman' (a PExer, too) when I was giving away kittens a few years back. Love cats, too. But I'd kill for a pug. Hehe.

@sirensinister: Yeah, I'm taking it easy. But at the same time trying to do many things all at the same time so I won't think about it. :( Sayang talaga eh. And, yes, I did enjoy Bora, too much I guess. :)

@baboinsking: Aba! Anoyuuuuuuuuun?! Musta na si Cheska? But, yeah, life is indeed unpredictable...haaaay. See you around, will visit RS one of these days ;)