Twisted Sunshine. Part III.

I just had to give in only to be left disappointed. Again.

Taaaaangina.

Somebody... anybody, please, hit me hard.

Tanginaaaaaa.

Tsong, nagkamali ka ng panahon para bitinin ako.

Tangina talaga.

Ayaw mo pa kasi ako diretsuhin eh. Napahiya pa ako.

Leche.

I'm so pissed with you that I wish you never get laid this 2006. No, I take that back. I hope you do get laid but you never get an abso-fucking-lutely good one.
I suggest you handle your ego with care and then shove it up your farking arse.

Grrrrr.

I still love you but I sooo hate you right now, you SOB.

Yeah, I said I won't write about you in my blog.

I lied.

And I'm sure, I am so damn sure, na you have no friggin' idea that I'm talking about you.

Flagged.

Once a month, I turn into this 2-eyed bitchy-as-hell monster who tries to bite everyone's head off for turning the tv volume too loud, or for waking me up too early,

It's the time of month when I wish I was born a man.

Do not mess with me for the next 3 days.

I'm irritable.

I am fury herself.

So keep your mouth shut and your nasty opinions to yourself.

What I need are hugs. Lots of it.

Late.

I know, late greeting. But what the fuck?

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

Tagged.

I was tagged by patty. Haha. Pathetic that I have been so remiss in going through my usual blog-rounds. I've been making myself real busy I've forgotten to visit my usual reads.

Anyway...

10 years ago

I was in my sophomore year in DLSU-CSB. Having the time of my life.

Completed the mandatory 'Community Service Program' with Gen, RJ, Tess, and Chee at 'Kuya Drop-In' Center. Rewarding experience.

5 years ago

Around this date, 5 years ago, I received a call from the DLSU-Graduate School of Business office informing that I have until February 2001 to enroll for my MBA. If I don't enroll, then I'd have to take the exam again if I wish to pursue my MBA. Issues from my gov't work got in the way. Sad.

A year ago

Just broke up with someone THEN met someone who would eventually break my heart.

Yesterday

I promised Kizzy I would fill her Starbucks card for her (for the Starbucks planner). I'm done with mine, and I've helped Leslie get hers, so I offered to help Kizzy out. By the end of the year the whole SBU QA Team will have each a Starbucks planner. Haha.

Went to Rustan's to buy godson Basti a gift. Planning to get the stroller but since I had no car yesterday, it wasn't meant to be. Hehe. Will pick up stroller in Shang Rustan's instead this Saturday when I bring my nephews to Kumon.

Tomorrow

Was supposed to be on-leave to go surfing with sis Mayette in La Union, but I have Training tomorrow, as luck would have it, and I need that training. Argh.

Going to the 14th floor Bazaar to buy gift stuffs and my lotion and fragrance instead of buying it in Greenhills.

Will order the chocolate giveaways from Cha Ems.

Today

I'm sick. I'm tired.

Did my reports. How I love Excel *gigil*

Not tagging anyone. But you can try to reminisce....

Hehe.

Invisible.

Yes, my dramatic-life-mode has been on again for quite some time. *sigh* Throwing myself at work with a passion people have difficulty understanding.

Steady lang.

I've bought my new phone, the Samsung e530. I was craving for the green one to match my iPod but I only had a choice of blue, pink, and orange. Girl as I am, I got the pink. Hah! Also, I've been promoted from QAA3 to QA01 [which gives me the opportunity to handle my own team in the next couple of months]. 6 months worth of hard dirty work. Alvin told me the stress was showing in my shoulders. And in the way I hold my stare. Oh dear, it's that obvious, huh? And I thought I was handling things just fine.

Crap.

Saturday afternoon was spent catching up on much-needed sleep. Got home from a post-shift meeting around 1pm, slept at 5pm and consequently woke up at 7am Sunday. I loved it! Hehe. I only got up once, around 4am, when Mayette called to say Say has been evicted from the PBB house and that they were on their way to Rembrandt Hotel to see her.

Happy and excited that I was for Say, I had to decline. I called Say just to catch up on things and to make her promise to go out with us soon. She sounded dazed somewhat, most probably with everything. Also got a text from Bianca asking where I was and that they were already in Jaipur.

Crap, crap.

Anyway, I woke up feeling energized. Cleaned my room, ran my errands. By 4pm I was bored. It was my barkada's Sunday night movie date but Alvin texted me the plan was just to chill in Bryan's house and watch some of his newly-bought dvds, and I should just come over anytime.

Went to mass first then went to Kamagong after. I brought some junk food with me so we had things to munch on during the 'dibidi' marathon. Hehe. Had some pizza delivered. Watched 40-Year Old Virgin, Deuce Bigalow 2, The Island.

As always, had an awesome time laughing my ass off with their hirits.

Went home at around 5am, smiling.

Thank God for friends who know the truth.







As the weekend passed, I made a bargain with myself and it has now come to this:
I miss you so much but I don't think you miss me too.
I want to be with you. What hurts is the thought [that] you don't want to be with me.
I hate it when you ignore me and act as if I don't exist.
I'm invisible to you.
I think I'm finally realizing how much I really do like you *gulp* and I think it's too late for me to do anything about it.
I believe this is the best time to say good-bye to you, my twisted sunshine.
You will be always be someone special to me and I hope you find that perfect woman you're looking for.
I hope she'll love you as much as I'm doing now.
And if you do find her, I only wish you'll love her in return.

No regrets.

Earlier today, a classmate of mine from Maestro Ryan Cayabyab's school of music and I met up. We haven't seen each other for awhile so we had a lot of things to catch up on. When she found out that my long-term relationship has gone kaput, I thought she was going to cry. She then asked - no -- she demanded how was I able to sustain a 6-year relationship? I was actually silent for, like, 10 seconds. She laughed out loud at my silence, cursing me that it was in bad taste I had to think. She and her man have just been together for 3 months and, like any new couple, would like to 'spend the rest of our lives together.'

Was it that easy for the both of us to just part ways and live individually? Hell, no. It's never easy. My nephews would always look for him, always asking if Tito will bring food or new games for the PS. My mom, during the first few weeks, would often slip and ask/tell me things: if he was still sleeping wake him up para mag-almusal; baka ma-late sa work; what time darating for dinner; pupunta ba for lunch...

Repeat after me: It's never easy.
Did we see it coming: to last this long only to break up? No. I've always thought that he would be the man I would marry. The man who would be the father of my children. I still remember a night, two or three years ago, before going to sleep, I told him I missed my period. He immediately had a big grin on his face then he asked me, 'When do we announce it? Nasaan yung phone ko...' His disappointment was evident when my period came 3 days later.

I loved him more after that.

She asked me, 'How can you let go of a 6-year old relationship?' Paano nga ba? Hehe. It was not easy. We tried really hard to make it work. But neither of us was growing. And growth in a relationship, well, you get the picture.

We grew apart. We talked about it, and he did accept his faults. I admitted my own faults as well. He cried. I cried. He wanted to hold on to what was left. I was torn between getting what I truly deserved and hanging on to what was left of a once-passion-laden, fiery-manic-driven 6-year love affair.
He took me for granted; I was tired of making him realize that.
He was contented with his life: laid-back and no worries. I am ambitious and I crave for challenges.
He wanted to stay behind me; I needed him to be beside me. It was my desire that if I was on my way up, so was he. With me.

But no regrets.

6 years was spent loving and caring for a wonderful man who devoted his whole being to loving me and caring for me. I was blessed to have met a man who was able to accept all of me. I consider myself lucky, until now, that I was loved completely by a man so gentle and kind. He took care of me when I found myself sick in my bed or ill at the hospital. He stood by and with me through the tougher times.

Cried with me, played with me, held my hand, made me smile.

Most importantly, he showed me a glimpse of what kind of woman I can become.

Eventhough we have parted ways, and have hurt each other without knowing it, 6 years is still 6 years. And was it some kind of ride.

I despise the circumstance of why we had to end it but there are things that you simply cannot change.

Ranting away...

It's 11:30 pm and I just arrived in the office.

And I'm... I don't know... tired.

Tired and frustrated.

Yeah, my ass is too lazy to do any kind of work. I haven't read any of my emails or opened any of my rating templates.

Shit. I just want to file a month-long vacation and leave this gudamn place.

Let me tell you why the fuck I'm ranting away:

1. The program which I've been in since I started here has been reduced to 30 reps. To think Nitro was the biggest program (in SBU) then with almost 300 agents. We were around, oh, 12-14 QAs then. And now Nitro OB has one. Nitro IB has me. My other team mates have been displaced to other BUs (business units). I've been missing them ever since.

2. Kit is resigning to help out in their family business. I know, I know. I'm not mad at her. Kit has been very patient with me, very understanding of my bitchy ways. Sobrang bait. I'm just feeling a little apprehensive because I'll be under a new team, a new team leader. I'll be starting all over. She's been turning over some papers and responsibilities to my soon-to-be TL, Chiqui, who I know to be very responsible and smart. I'm just... I have no idea what I feel. I don't like change too much... pathetic? I know, I thrive under pressure but change, I don't like.

3. Yesterday, everybody was excited because it was payday. I was, too. Anyway, on my way home, I passed by iBank to check on my account... and was I surprised? The hell, I was. I only received half of what I usually get! Puta talaga! Gusto ko talagang umiyak. And to think wala akong absence, wala akong late, because I've been working really hard for my promotion. Where is my night diff? Where is my transpo allowance?! Tangina. Putangina. Huwag nilang ipagmalaki sa akin na we are in the best company to work for... tigilan nila ako. Ayusin nila sweldo ko. Hayup talaga. Give me the fuckin' quarterly survey, please. I'm giving them a call later on in the morning. Umayos sila ah.

Leche.

Now, I'm just browsing, and it's almost an hour into my shift. Nakakawalang-gana magtrabaho. Pumasok ka ng tama, hindi ka naman binayaran ng tama.

This has got to be a milestone if I get through this day without biting someone's head off.

******Update on Rant #3: It's already 2:14 pm and I just got home some 30 mins ago fixing my salary issue...

I was able to speak with Joycie from our Comp and Ben dept. There were discrepancies in my uploaded schedule (in the attendance software we use) and so - the deductions. She was very helpful and kind enough to listen to me rant away. She responded appropriately and in a timely manner. I really didn't appreciate the long hold time when she was checking something out, but I understand that she better had answers when she came back on the phone. She viewed her record of my payslip which said I had 7 absences *himatay* when in fact I had none and just had 2 VLs. She was genuinely baffled. She asked me to file some online form and send to her another form in hard copy so she would handle the case herself.

The TL of the Comp and Ben team, Ms. Joyce, was also in CC2 and I was able to speak with her as well. She really didn't say/explain anything which I haven't heard from Joyie. But she was very helpful and answered all of my questions. She even went out of her way to check my uploaded schedule in the software for the next payday, making sure my time-in and time-out were in the correct places.

Now, all I have to do is wait for the pay-out. I have bills to pay, y'know.

Whew. Whatta day.

Harry Potter, please save my day.

Group Hug.

Group Hug!

Yahoo! and MSN Messenger are going to be working together!

I cannot wait for this one.

I'm an MSN groupie, I must admit for the 2nd time in my blog. I wasn't really using my YM up until a good 2 years ago when friends noted I never went online through YM, and if I was I'd just be online for an hour then log-off. I had to explain I was working as a rep for an MSN account and I had to be very familiar with MSN Messenger so I could handle technical calls concerning the damn thing. AND since it was MSN-IATS, MSN Messenger was the only chatware we were allowed to install in our PC. MSN Messenger just grew on me.

Now I use MSN and Windows Messenger and YM.

Hay. Wala lang. Natuwa lang ako sobra. Hehe.

Will post something worthwhile soon... maybe later...

ciao!

Of Shots and Lost Causes.

J: (swallows the tequila with a grimace) You made a mistake. You made a wrong choice. Live with it. Masyado ka kasing passionate eh. Tsk. (pours me a shot) I-shot mo na yan.

Me: Ang dali ah. (looks at the tequila shot with disdain) You know, gusto ko lang i-share sa'yo; I read somewhere that anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of time. And that there are too many mediocre things in life to deal with BUT love shouldn't be one of them. How true is that, 'no? And I believe that, I do. That's what I've been doing: when I fall in love, I make sure it's mad, it's passionate, and it's extraordinary. (shoots the tequila and looks for a chaser that doesn't have scotch in it) Hindi naman mali yun, diba?

J: (Takes the shot I hand him and looks me in the eyes) No, it's not wrong. You just have to know when to stop loving, when to stop being passionate. (lick, shoots and sucks) And you don't have to explain yourself to me - kilala kita. And yes, that's how you are. (looks at empty Pareng Jose Cuervo) Pero naman, tangina, tigilan mo na yan. He doesn't see you the way you want him to see you. (peers down then reaches under the table and his hand pulls out an Asti Martini) It's a lost cause.

Me: ... lost cause... shoot, I think I'm gonna be sick... (gazes tentatively at the slammer J is conjuring)

J: And can I be brutal again --

Me: Oh, don't stop...

J: -- you don't live up to what he wants in a woman. (slams the drink hard, twice, and hands me the frothy concoction)

Me: Salamat ah. Kaibigan ka talaga... (shoots the gadem drink in a gulp)

J: (looks more serious than when he admitted to smoking weed in my car) Simulan mo. Say goodbye. The sooner, the better.

Me: Give me another shot. And don't skimp on the Asti.

J: (conjures another slammer, and before he slams the shot, he hesitates then looks at me straight in the eyes) And if you think another romp in bed will make him stay then you aren't the smart friend I used to have.

Silence.

He slams the glass. But I don't hear it.

I drink the slammer but I don't taste it.

It's a lost cause.

That's all I hear. That's all I taste.

It's a lost cause.

intermish.

Don't have time to post a new entry, I'm still uploading pics BUT I'm not busy to share this freakin' funny video (got it from Dunedain from PEx).

Made my day, really.

Lolo's Magic

It's not gonna be there forever ika nga ni Dunedain so if you want a copy just shoot me an e-mail.

Oh, if you have dial-up, it's gonna take some time. It's 6.55 MB.

Enjoy! Ciao.

Beach Me.

I lie in wet sand. Eyes closed.

I feel the sea caressing my ankles as they bow to the tide… slowly, almost sensuously... and I fantasize... and I begin to wish on the last star I see to let the night stay.

I feel the last surge of the cold water embrace me... I feel the tiny hairs on my shoulders, my arms and on my bare belly stand on end...

I hear myself moan. A throaty, cat-like purr escapes my salty lips. And I fantasize with no end in sight.A whiff passes my nostrils... of orchids and mint... my back arches from the beautiful scent and I struggle to gain control... I breathe deeper... languid breaths relax what remains of my tingling soul.

I lie in still wet sand. I open my eyes.

The sun is peeking. I can see its rays trying to reach me.

Ah. Daylight.

I try to move away. Inch by inch. My mind flashes with images of refuge. But I still lie.

It is a losing battle, I know. Foolish of me to ponder that I can run away from the laws of nature.

So I succumb to the light. I give in to the heat.

I do not dare move now. I feel the anguish in its glare. I do not close my eyes.

And I take it all in.
Until I burn with the twisted pleasure. Until I glow with the fantasy... and languish in what may not be.

Perspective.

So, the day of reckoning has come. Hehe.

I am, as of today, officially 29.

Anyway, amusingly, more than one friend texted me, 'How does it feel to be almost 30?' I replied: Age ain't nuthin' but a numbah.

And then ---- it hit me. I am almost 30.

Well, how does it feel to be 'almost' 30, you say?

Oh, it doesn't feel any different when I was 28... or 27... or 26. Hmm. The way I feel hasn't changed. The adding of 1 year to my age hasn't added any burden to my chaotic, dramatic, unconventional life. Physically, no difference. Emotionally, hmm, quite (oh shoot, no details muna). Spiritually... hey, I’m getting there.

I say: It's all about perspective and attitude.

I think my perspective all changed when I turned 25. That was when my real life began.

In my early 20's, I knew some people viewed me as unorthodox and rebellious, always turning up their nose when I pass them by. I used to care what they think. I used to make sure I behaved properly when they were around, and just let my hair down after they've gone. In this manner, I pleased them, and I got my way, albeit only after and just for short a time. I used to believe that in order for me to be happy I should strive to please as many people as I can. I felt restricted and chained to a list of rules that didn't agree with my perverted behavior and go-getting ways. I was confined to a seat I didn't feel comfortable in.

Ooooh, the agony.

But once I passed the quarter (of a century) mark, I discovered my dexterity to break free from the pressures of society and the norms they have hammered into my heart. I wanted to be undaunted. I felt the unsettling need to throw back my head and laugh like a woman who has seen it all, been through it all. I sought to throw my inhibitions out the window and be a woman of the world: who worked smart and hard then partied harder.

I realized my life was too short to be bothered by individuals who do not see beyond the money, beyond the clothes, beyond the title people carry.

I held, in my own hands, the power to direct my life as I see fit.

I knew there were risks. Frankly, I was terrified of where I would take myself. Knowing my brain and my heart, they were going to lead me into many painful and melancholic paths littered with insensitive men (who think they're God's gift to women), user-friendly friends (who will leave as soon as they see another cow to milk), and masterful servants of wishful thinking (who live in a kaleidoscope world of their perfection at the same time swim in doubt).

Yet I also knew that however dark and bleak the path I choose to tread on, I will have my family and some proven life-long friends (they may be few, but they are treasures) to lean on; I have my father who never fails to keep watch over me from the gates of Heaven, whose death made me realize that if I wish to love - I should, and ask nothing in return.

Again: It's all about perspective and attitude. Be my age and sulk in a corner regretting every damn mistake you made.

Or be my age and just live, hurt, heal, be happy.

Footnote: Thanks to everyone who texted me, called me on my cell or home phone, messaged me in Friendster and Multiply to greet me today. I have everyone listed, yes, and I’m going to reply to every single text and email and message. Thank you for 'being with me' on my day. Thank you. I was touched and some of the messages made me cry. Leche kayo. Hehe. Pag-gising ko tuloy kanina namamaga mata ko. But, hey, thank you for the sweet and tear-jerking messages.

Oct. 1976.

A few more days and I'll be turning 29.

And to tell the truth: I can't wait.

And to tell another truth: I have never lied about my age, to anyone.

It's because when people ask me (what my age is) they can't believe I'm already this old . Nyahaha!

I was born in the year:

The Ramones released their first album;

The Damned released their punk rock single 'New Rose';

Fleetwood Mac released their 'Rumours' album;

Apple Computer was formed;

Microsoft is registered in the state of New Mexico.

How cool-er can I get? Hehe.

Anyway...

2 things I want for my birthday:

a new Samsung E530

hmm. can't decide what color to get. hmm.

and a pug to own and to love.

male, female. doesn't matter.

Oh.

Make that 3:

Good health for my beautiful mom

(here with my equally beautiful niece, Regeena).

Basti.

Rolf Sebastian R. Punongbayan.

A sight to behold.

To tell you the truth, I'm ashamed to admit this now, when I found out that you exist, deep in the recesses of my heart, I resented you, because I knew, once you come out, your dad will never or seldom be available for the long talks, overnight inumans and until-morning gimmicks we have always had.

But looking at you now, all I feel is love... affection... wonder.

You have just sealed a lifetime of friendship and kinship between your father and I. You were loved from the time you were conceived, and now you are one of us, breathing the same air and hearing the same [house] music (hehe), you will be loved as you will never believe to be. Tita Ninang will always be here for you. I love you, with all my heart.

And speaking of hearts...

Don’t break too many hearts, you hear me?

Welcome to our world.

It's not perfect, and you will see, hear, feel a lot of things you shouldn't have to. You will cry. You will bleed. But I assure you, there will be people, just like me, who will wipe your tears away, who will make you laugh until your tummy hurts, and who will love you the way you should be loved ------- completely.

1-blogyear old.

Before availing of Blogspot's free service, I was using myspace's blog feature. I started February 2004. The entries were sporadic there; 2-3 updates a month. Or sometimes none at all.

I still remember the day I created this realm: It was more or less 3pm. I was multi-tasking: packing for a 2-day Galera beach trip with pep friends and chatting with a stateside friend. She said she has a blogspot home. Visited it. I was impressed. I immediately registered and proceeded to post a 2-liner entry.

And the rest is history.

Yes, my blog is now a year old.

How time flies.

"I did not know what to say, my mouth had no way with names,
my eyes were blind, and something started in my soul,
fever or forgotten wings, and I made my own way,
deciphering that fire, and I wrote the first faint line, faint
without substance, pure nonsense, pure wisdom of someone who knows nothing,
and suddenly I saw the heavens unfastened and open, planet, palpitating planations,
shadow perforated, riddled with arrows, fire and flowers, the winding night, the universe."

Pablo Neruda certainly knows his shit.

Am I Not Worthy?

Just earlier, I was re-reading my old entries. I was going through each and every post and the comments as well. Then I came upon my Stuck in a Moment entry and I was struck, again, as the first time I read it, by lei's comment.

"one woman's story is every woman's story talaga. half hoping he'd text, half wishing he'd stop and free you, knowing he's not for you, knowing there are other women, knowing he's not interested, thinking you can walk away unscathed because after all you know the game, you decide in the game, you make your own game, you get the game. but ninety-nine percent of the time, the game gets you." - lei

How true is that?!

I'm confused. Totally, utterly confused. My feelings are all mixed up now. Sometimes, my brain goes through this chaotic-theorising-and-analyzing-mode that by the time it finishes processing the data, it's more jumbled up than when it started.

Maybe I'm just disappointed. Maybe I just fell. Hard.

It hurts knowing I'm the only one who feels this way. If he doesn't see my worth now, kailan pa?

Dammit. I knew it. I fucking knew it.

Ayoko na ng laro. AYOKO. NA. NG. LARO.
Utang na loob.

Please, Lord, let there be light.

I don't want to be blind in the dark...

Anymore.

Of Council Sessions. Part II.

Last Monday, I received an invitation to a dinner to be hosted by the current members of the Sangguniang Panlungsod of Mandaluyong City. It's Councilors Week today and they were hosting this annual dinner for current and former city councilors on Friday. It was surreal to see the salutation Former Councilor before my name. Heehee. I almost laughed out loud.

I was going for a simple 'Ms.'

People have been asking me why I didn't go for a second term. I was already inside the circle, why not push my chances and run under the administration? Hmm... a simple answer: I've had enough.

I've kept my hands clean from politics for the past 3 or 4 years. Occasionally, I'd oblige to attend an event or a party/dinner hosted by the few friends I garnered during my 6-year term. I'd make my presence known by greeting the people who need to see me there, mingle for an hour or 2, have my picture taken for posterity, and then quietly make my exit.

During my first year in the political arena, someone gave me this unsolicited advice: Loyalty and friendship are unheard of in politics. Oftentimes.

I never took the advice to heart and forgot about it. Little did I know that this concept would materialize after 5 years right before my eyes. I had a few staunch supporters (bless them!) during my last year. It was a battle well-fought I reckon now. I fought for what was right, they fought for the position and the money it would bring them. It sounds pompous, I know, but during that time I was determined to protect what little dignity the position I held had. They knew I wasn't in it for the money or the title.

I was in it because of my father's dream.

For a while after my 6-year term, the unpleasant memories hindered me from sharing what really went wrong during that last year. The betrayals, the threats, the rumors left a bitter taste in my mouth. And no matter how often I gargled it away, it would re-surface and haunt me for a time.

I was barely 20 when I was shoved into the arena. I was forced to grow up; to think beyond my 20 years. The burden of making decisions for the 270 members of the SK and more than 3,000 15-21 voters in the City pushed me to go beyond my limits. I was prohibited from making the wrong decisions. I was never one to uphold rules but for the first time in my life, I was asked to conform. Society called for a prim and proper me, and for my daddy, that was what they were gonna get. There was too much at stake. Even my heart took the heat. I fell in love with someone who came from a rival political family. We fought high and hard, to no avail.

When I got out of it I felt way older than my 25 years. I was never quite the same again. But I also felt liberated and free. Fortunately, my father's dream did not die with me, my brother is continuing on with his dream. And my kuya, if I say so myself, is doing a better job.

And so, on Friday, I'd make my presence known by greeting the people who need to see me there, mingle for an hour or 2, and have my picture taken for posterity...

And then quietly make my exit.

Pardon me.

I'm a very sensible person. I am amiable. Geez, sometimes I'm too nice for my own good. If you treat me with the respect and good nature I deserve I will extend the same courtesy to you. But treat me unwisely, I may--hell--I will give you a piece of my mind, a short but big piece of my obscene and crazy mind.

I've been called a bitch several times. I don't mind. It's true.

You don't call me or ask your friends to call me on my cell phone, call me a bitch, and then hang up.

You don't ask your male friends to call me at an ungodly hour to roughly ask me for sex.

You don't call my home and tell the people I love I'm a no-good woman. Hell no. You do not drag my family in this mess you created.

You say you read through my blogs and one of these days you'll post my entries in yours, and on your friends’ blogs, to expose my so-called ‘secrets’. Why not do it now? And do I really merit such recognition from someone of your stature and level?

You think you got me figured out just by reading my blogs?

Think again.

I don't appreciate being called names by people who do not know a single true thing about me.

I may not be innocent, but I sure hell know when to back off from someone who's already taken.

Tell him to stay away from me. I already told him that; maybe it's time you did too.

I admire people who can look me in the eye and tell me what they feel. I don't have much time for cowards.

I pity you.

I've never lost a pussy fight in my life and I sure won't start now.

Remember: I did not pick this fight. You did.

Bring it on, bitch.

Random Thoughts.

Just random thoughts for now...

***Am on leave! Sa wakas. A long weekend ahead for me. If my beach trip to Puerto Galera will not push through... hmm... will change my template ...again. Hehe.

***Oh, yeah, will have to finish burning those Harry Potter audiobooks and mp3s to CDs which I owe Aiah, Krissy, Louie, and Nenny.
***Argh. Am tempted to change my layout all over again...

Ano ba?!

***Beach House 04.05 has been out for a week or two now and I'm still waiting for my order. I've been hearing a lot of good things about the tracks in it. A handful of old familiar tracks are in it but with a new mix.

Excited nako.

Leche. Ang tagal ah.

***Will be meeting my good friend, Chris, tomorrow for lunch. She'll be getting married in June 2006 and so we'll be going to Mang Ben Farales' shop in Manila tomorrow for the finalization of the gown designs and measurements. I have 2 Farales gowns already, and am now making room in my closet for my third one. Hehe.

Ayan, may panahon pa para gutumin ko ang sarili ko :lol: Struggle ito.

***I've completed the stickers needed for me to claim my Starbucks backpack... yung merchandise na lang which my sister will be purchasing tomorrow.

Thanks to Louie, Kitty, Kerry, and my dearest ate Rhea for contributing to the 'sticker collection.' Gudjab!

***Had another encounter with my cute tall geeky officemate *himatay* but will keep that to myself muna.

Whathelz? Hmm. Will update soon with something that has sense. Swear.

Yun.

***Twisted sunshine, still freaking twisted.

'Nyeta. *points to self* T-a-n-g-a.

Of Past Lives and Lessons.

With nothing to do when I got home from work early today, I decided to clean my mess of a study table. Going through the drawer I came across the journal that I kept under lock and key. I've almost forgotten about it. My heart skipped a beat as I opened it with its key, knowing full well that opening it and reading past memories would rekindle some small amount of sadness, guilt, and anger.

I was flipping through its pages when I my eye caught the thick red pen writing. I opened it and I was transported back to the year 1999. Argh.

Had a knack for using the vernacular for poems, essays and journal entries. I love the fluidity of Tagalog prose and sentences, of how it comes together to form a thought. Hmm. Maybe I should write my next entries entirely in Tagalog. Anyway - I digress.

I'm very candid about my life in this blog, but this is nothing compared to what I have written in my journals. They contain the inner workings of my true self.

At the end of this entry, permit me to use the vernacular for my closing remarks.

Read on...

"Para akong pinagbuhatan ng kamay ng tadhana, pinagtatawanan ng panahon. Pinagsasaluhang apakan ng mga mababangis ngunit tahimik na mga katauhan ang pag-asa kong makakita ng liwanag.

Alam kong malaki ang pagkakasala ko sa Kanya. Naging masama akong tao sa saglit na panahon na iyon. Binigyan niya ako ng isang suliranin na akala ko nuon ay napakadaling desisyunan. Ngunit ng iniharap Niya sa akin ang guhit na maaaring ikabago ng buhay ko, nagawa ko ang hindi ko inaasahan. Naunahan ako ng takot at kaba. Walang pinakinggan at pinagkatiwalaan. Tinalikuran ko ang nag-iisang taong alam kong lubos akong aalalayan at aalagaan.

Lubos kong pinagsisihan at pinagsisisihan ang kamalian ko. Gabi-gabi ako kung humingi ng tawad sa Kanya.

Pero pinalibutan ako ng mga taong hindi nakikiramay sa aking pagbangon. Pilit pa nilang ibinabaon ang pagkatao ko sa isang malalim na hukay na puno ng poot at pag-aalinlangan.

Wala nang makakatulong sa akin. Lahat ng nag-alay ng kanilang kamay sa pangako na ako'y tutulungan upang makabangon ay lumisan na rin.

Nag-iisa sa gitna ng magulo at makasarili na mundong kinagagalawan ko. Nakabitag sa isang hawla, pinagkait sa akin ang liwanag at init.

Pinabayaang matuto mag-isa. Pinabayaang masaktan. Hinayaang maghikahos.

Sinubukan kong ibaon sa limot ang nakaraan ngunit hanggang ngayon ay pasan ko ang nakalipas na masalimuot.

Kailan ba matatapos ang sakit? Kailan daraan ang paghihinagpis?

Mas mahusay ngang humimlay na lamang ako. Maghihintay sa ilalim ng takip-silim sa isang pangakong mabuhuhay akong muli."

Pagkatapos basahin ang mga talatang ito isa lang ang masasabi ko:

Salamat na lamang ako'y nakabangon. Sa kasalukuyan, ako'y hangal pa rin ngunit kasabay nito ako'y mas masidhi, mas mapusok, mas maalam, mas malakas at pinatibay ng tadhanang tinahak ko.

Desperately Wanting. Part II.

Friday shift.

Twas our 4:00am lunch. Krissy, Louie, and I were at one side of the table facing the TV in the pantry. Kerry was on the other side facing Krissy. TV was beside the door.

Halfway through my Pork Teriyaki, the door opened and in came... my cute geeky officemate... without glasses *himatay* Took all of my self-control not to smile stupidly as he passed by our table to the water dispensers located at the back of the pantry.

My peripheral vision told me that Kerry and Krissy were looking at me with this knowing look. I felt my cheeks burning.

Of course, Lucio was with us so I braced myself for the onslaught of hirits...

"Hey, ----!" blah blah blah (hindi ko na matandaan yung flow...)
still Lucio, "----, kain tayo."
"Bakit Louie, susubuan mo ako?" said he.
"Hindi..."

Oh my God, ang poise ko...steady lang...

"...pero si Rose, susubuan ka niya."

I almost choked on my pork teriyaki...

Kerry and Krissy couldn't help themselves, they laughed and laughed and laughed...

Out of nowhere, I just heard myself jokingly say, "Sabi ko na nga ba ako na naman eh..."

*Oh, how I wish...*

sigh sigh sigh

Hala. Naloloka na naman ako.

ARGH.

Just got home from work. Argh.

Antok. Will update after a few days. I'm actually on leave today because I have a night-out: An impromptu high school batch reunion in Pier One Ortigas (tara na!) then some groovin' at Embassy later on.

BUT

parang ayaw kong lumabas...Season Finale ng CSI: Las Vegas. 2 hours. AND Quentin Tarantino is directing.

Gademit.

Of Igno, Bab and Brosia.

*** Was supposed to post this more than a month ago because I was waiting for Mr. Pol Medina's response to my email... to no avail... so am posting it now...

Bought myself the 17th issue of Pugad Baboy , along with F. Sionil Jose's My Brother My Executioner , a few weeks ago but I only was able to read through PB a few days ago when I was waiting for calls to monitor and rate.

Halfway through it, I was suppressing my giggles to the hilt.

Never fails to make people think I'm insane I kept on getting these weird, fearful looks by the other QAs in the batcave. Hehe.

Lemme share 3 strips which really killed me...

Kosa nga eh.

Uhm, loko.

at ang pamatay...

Tinginang Brosia 'to.

Jez wanna spread the gift of Pugad Baboy... laughter.

Ciao, everyone!

***Get yourself a copy, dali! Get all 17 issues, I implore you. I have all of them. And for Php 125 @, not bad...not bad at all.

**strips are owned by Pol Medina Jr.

Twisted Sunshine.

Nobody wants to have a twisted sunshine.

I don't want one. I don't need one in my current frame of mind. But after much deliberating, and then accepting the inevitable, I have surmised that I have one... much to my chagrin.

This twisted sunshine of mine makes me goofy-eyed. He plays tricks on my mind, and secretly, on my heart.

When he lays a finger on my skin, I can't help but respond.

My twisted sunshine is there when I need him, when I am in want. He gives me what I crave, what I pine for. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile. He makes me want to quit smoking.

He is always in the background, blending in with the crowd, only making his move when he sees fit.

I know he doesn't think much of me, except for the fact that we are friends.

Check that. Fact... friends... ?

Now it seems like I walk among faceless people. No direction. No destination.

Everything is a blur, alas, once again.

It's frightening because the urge to weep has left me. I don't feel the need for tears. Maybe I am beginning to be numb to the misery and pain.

It's sick, being honest to other people... when I lie to myself.

How lame is that?!

My twisted sunshine.

Maybe I should say 'No' one time.

Just one time...

then after that maybe my heart could just stop beating altogether.

Of Farewells and Missed Chances.

Brace yourself. Long post ahead. Well, not that long.. .just... long.

Game na? Game...

Friday night found me in San Lorenzo village for April's despedida party. Twas fun and sad at the same time. Lots of pics, again. Hehe. Check it out in my Multiply account.

Went home with puffy red eyes, a numb face and a freaking headache.

Knowing that April will be flying back to Australia the next day was really heavy for our hearts, especially for Mishel.

If I had Mayette for my soul sister, Mishel had April. You could see the sadness in Mishel's eyes.

As a take-home present, Mishel gave April a scrapbook. Now, this is totally out of Mishel's character. It is NOT her to make a scrapbook. When we were going through the pages of the scrapbook, which contained old pep pictures, block pics, practices, gimmicks, it was evident to me that it was made with patience, love and affection. Mishel revealed to me that she did contact a lot of people for many of the pics. Haggled, pushed, shoved a lot to make the scrapbook a treasure as it is. She wanted to give April something which will remind her of the great time we had while she was here in Manila: our Bora trip, Galera beach trips, numerous Pier 1 inumans, Jaipur/Embassy/Dusk night-outs, those 'tara-inuman-tayo-ngayon-kala-Say' texts at 11pm, Tagaytay trips.

Anyway, the party lasted until sunrise. Bianca and I were fixing the tables and collecting the empty bottles, and we were amazed at the amount of alcohol we had consumed. A whole lot of 1L Red Horse bottles, more than 8 bottles of pareng Empoy (for those who are not in-the-know: Emperador), bottles of Tequila Rose, 2-4 bottles of champagne and wine, a case or two of those big plastic bottles of softdrinks, and then the gallon of GinPom the pep boys pulled out from nowhere.

When it was time for me to go home, I had a hard time keeping my composure. Eventually, just as I feared, I had a tearful goodbye with April. It was like the first time she left: a lot of tears and kisses, few words and tight hugs.

Again, I'm never good at good-byes.

Be safe, April.

We'll always have Bora.

***********************************************

The next day..................

I missed the Neil Gaiman book signing. Ugh. 'Nyeta.

My copy of 'American Gods' and 'Stardust' were already stashed in my bag, and even if I had a hangover from April's despedida party in San Lo, I was determined to go to Rockwell and brave the crowd.

But as luck would have it, my brother and his wife had to attend a wedding, the yayas were given the day-off and have already left, my sister had to accompany my mom for her check-up... and so... I was tasked to bring my 2 nephews to a birthday party in Megamall that 3:30pm.

Nakngpot@h. Hey, I love my nephews to pieces, but we're talking about Neil Gaiman here. NEIL GAIMAN.

Repeat after me: NEIL. GAIMAN.

There'll be other birthday parties my nephews can attend in the coming months naman diba? C'mon, missing this one wouldn't hurt, right?

I begged. I pleaded. I wanted to throw a tantrum. Well, I wanted to but baka masampal pako ng kuya ko. Hehe.

Melo called me up and I had to break the news that I wouldn't be able to go. She then informed me that Neil would be reading an excerpt from his new book, Anansi Boys.

Saksakin niyo na lang ako. Grr.

Dominic, my 7 year-old nephew came in my room and I was taken aback with what he said. "Tita, you could always just come back for us. Ako na bahala kay Raymund.'

Aw, man. I explained to him although I am disappointed, I would never, ever leave them somewhere just so I can attend to my 'want.' So, instead of braving the 3,000 crowd in Rockwell, I lovingly brought my nephews to their party.

I was pretty much okay after that. Tired, hungover, sleepy but okay.

Then I found out that my cute tall geek officemate (yes, the guy in my Desperately Wanting entry) was in the book signing as well AND was with Melo and Aiah the whole freaking time.

Nooooooooooooo...IT...CAN-NOT...BEEEEE...

Pakiabot nga yung blade. Pakipasa na rin yung calamansi.

Hindi ko kinaya. Waaaaaaah!

*hikbi*

Was sulking the whole Saturday night. Re-read 'American Gods' while soaking in the tub.

Good thing my Saturday night turned into... hmm... an eventful one... if you know what I mean.

De-stress? Hah!

Desperately Wanting.

Haaaaaaa! I found his blog. Pakshet. Thanks, Kerry. It's actually devoid of any pictures, design or tools, just entries.

Actually the surprise was that he has one, but now that I've thought of it, why not? I like the way he writes. And it's wonderful that he relates so much about himself without ever really revealing anything.

Talk about intellectually-stimulating. *grrrrrrrrrowl*

Fuck. I've been owned.

My friends know that I've this thing for cute men with glasses. Well, not really geeky but men who actually look and are smart. Not just some wannabe geek.

He was this guy in the office that I've been eyeing: tall, nice fair skin, broad shoulders, wavy hair, beautiful eyes with long lashes behind the glasses. Never noticed him before until that one time in March in the pantry when I was having merienda with Lucio and he came in for a drink. I think Lucio noticed that I was looking too hard at the guy that he called him by his first name and made small talk.

I thought to myself, 'Shit. Yari.'

By the time we were back in our work stations, Louie said that he'd set me up with the guy. Uh, yeah. So ever since that time when the guy would walk past the QA station Louie would call him: 'Hey, ----. You've met Rose, right? Rose! Rose!?' I'd never rise from my chair and risk being seen with this deep red flush on my cheeks as if I've downed too many rhum cokes. A few times, I'd see him in the yosihan, but I'd be too shy to say hi, so I'd just smile (sometimes to myself, hehe) and keep my distance. One time I was alone in the 14th floor, I was going through our lateral when I saw him with his teammates, and with a new haircut. Smiled at each other as he passed me by. Hella thought I was gonna faint.

Hayup ka talaga, Louie. Animal.

Kerry and Fats joined the bandwagon. We were in the batcave when they called his office to request something. Bigla ko na lang narinig, 'Uy ----, sabi ni Rose 'Hi.'

I was like, 'The hell?!' Kerry (mahal kita pero hinayupak ka talaga, haha) couldn't stop laughing. He was laughing, too. Then he said, 'Pakisabi 'Hi' rin sa kanya.'

Hokay. *dazed mode: ON*

Ampotah. Kaya ayokong kinikilig ako eh. Ack.

For the first time in my life, I'm diffident. Yikes. What is happening to me? I've always been aggressive but I'm apprehensive at the moment.

Putcha, maybe Raffy is right: I am losing my touch. Haha.

Gademit, Rose. Umayos ka.

And hell no! I won't put his link here lest I be discovered and... and... hmm... yun nga... discovered.

Grr. Anoooooobaaaaaaaaaa?!

From Black to Silver.

Beautiful.

Just gad-dem beautiful.

*nearing sexual satisfaction now....*

And then there were only 2.

We were called the Tres Kapitanas. We were bonded for life by our one true passion: dance. The 3 of us became captains of the CSB Pep Squad consecutively: Mayette came after me, and then Tricia. I was able to handle them both during my captain and trainor days. Our beliefs and ethics similar; execution always perfect, movements upbeat and self-assured.

Then, 12 hours ago, Tricia, one of the truest friends I have, left for the US of A. For good. No more 'Lean Back' groove partner. I'll miss your kaputian.

Sad, really.

Dazed, Mayette and I spent the rest of the afternoon and early night in Megamall and Podium.

I'm never good at goodbyes.

Be safe, Tricia.

Just do the rock-a-way.

My apologies...

just got home an hour ago from a night-out...finished template in under an hour...am sleepy...and I still have to go to work later at 2pm...ang saya.

will fix font colors of the entries later on....

ciao.

Hell yes.

Never knew my afternoons could get this hotter.

And it's not even a weekend. But hell yes.

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. *deep breath*

I just love roller coaster rides.

After the ride, can someone hand me a barf bag?

Y'know, just in case...

Daddy. Part II.

Daddy! Happy Father's Day!

Brought you flowers, and also the candles that you like, those scented ones that really smell good when burning.

So, how's heaven? Your compadres keeping you company? Tong-its game every night, eh? Does the Johnny Walker taste better there? (Gee, I hope so...)

Daddy...

There never was a day that I didn't think of you, that I didn't miss you, that I did not wish you were still alive.

I know you always check on me each and every night, making sure that my door is locked. I know because I hear the wooden planks outside my door creak and I'd hear the doorknob crank a little. It makes me sleep better knowing you were just outside my bedroom door.

Before your passing, on weekend nights (and weekday nights as well) those wooden planks that creak, I avoid stepping on them when I'd sneak out for a gimmick with clothes in my arms and my heels stashed in the kitchen downstairs. For the longest time, I didn't think you knew. Until mama told me. You'd make sure I was already downstairs and then you'd radio the tanods to see if I was going to be fetched or if I was going to 'bring' a car, and one time, had a patrol car follow me. Mang Boy said you guffawed when you found out I had to 'push' the car out of the garage one night and away from the house before I climbed in and drove oh-so-slowly away -- with no drivers license. You said to him daw, 'Yang bunso ko talaga, ang lakas ng loob. Parang lalaki yung ugali. Ugali ko.' After that conversation you hired him to be my full-time driver/bantay (-cum-bodyguard-cum-kakuntsaba). Memories such as these will forever make me smile and remember.

Hat_tr1ck, from PEx, and I have the same fear: that one day I'd forget what I know of you. But I won't let that happen. I swear.

When I'm alone at home, I slide open the glass doors of your closet and I bury my face in your polos and barongs. I am comforted by the smell of your perfume. I am calmed by the thought that somehow you are still with me.

You are still, and, you will always be my hero.

Music Baton.

Fine.
I don't really like doing these things but since it was aajao, I'd make an exception.

Total volume of music files in my computer:
1980 songs, 9.7 days, 10.39 GB. Haha. I'm a music junkie, what more can I say?

Last CD I bought:
Latest CDs I bought were:
Drip's Far Side of the World
Thievery Corporation's The Cosmic Game
Sneaker Pimps' Bloodsport
Gary V's Soul Full
Apo's Ten Years Together and Feet On The ground albums

Song Playing Right Now:
Roam by The B-52's. Reminds me of my high school days.

Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:
Hmm. According to iTunes the 5 most played songs in my library are:

1> Breathe by Télépopmusik
Reminds me of this 'one-night-turning-into-day' of absolute bliss. Was watching the sun rise in Boracay in front of Willy's with my cousins and friends, drinking strawberry champagne to end our 7-day stay on the island. Was not sober yet wasn't drunk enough. Perfect.

2> We Need A Resolution by Aaliyah
I love the video of this song. And the song itself tells me that things need to 'resolved.' As it says,
"Speak your heart, don't bite your tongue.
Don't get it twisted. Don't misuse it....
Am I supposed to change? Are you supposed to change?
Who should be hurt? Who should be blamed?
Who should be hurt? Who should be ashamed?
Who should be hurt? And will we remain?
We need a resolution. We have so much confusion."

3> Don't Know Why by Norah Jones

"When I saw the break of day... I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand... catching teardrops in my hand
My heart is drenched in wine... you'll be on my mind
Forever...
Out across the endless sea... I would die in ecstacy
But I'll be a bag of bones...driving down the road alone... "

Nuff said.

4> No Ordinary Morning by Chicane
This was December's song of the month
"You could give a million reasons change the world and change the tides
Could not give me the secrets of your heart and of your mind
In the darkness that surrounds me now there is no peace of mind
Your careless words undo me leave the thought of us behind..."

5> A Woman's Worth by Alicia Keys

"She walks the mile, makes you smile, all the while being true
Dont take for granted the passion she has for you
You will lose if you choose to refuse to put her first
She will if she can find a man who knows her worth

'Cause a real man knows a real woman when he sees her
And a real woman knows a real man ain't afraid to please her
A real woman knows a real man always comes first
A real man just can't deny a woman's worth."

San ka pa?! Tsk.

Five people I'm passing this to: Kerry, Ivy, jean_grey, daesdemona, barenaked aka jill.

Wednesday blues.

*****Will not delete this post. This will be a reminder of how stupid and deranged I was for the past couple of months. Hehe.

It was just an ordinary day for me, like every shift for the past month. I was fine.

Until we saw each other today.

It was so natural for you. Like nothing ever happened. Like we were just old friends that lost contact over the years...

It was sad because you never uttered my name. It was like...you've forgotten it.

I'm sorry, I didn't even stop when you called out to me. I just smiled at you and I walked away. I didn't want to stop and then fall all over again...

But you have no idea how much I missed you;

of how much I wanted to touch your face and your lips;

of how much I wanted to hear you say my name.

You have no idea...
You'll never know.